Early stages of considering adoption - next steps?

[ObhObh]

I'm 40 years old, single and I'm considering adopting a child or children because I would love to have a family. I've lurked on here for ages, I've looked on other forums and websites, I've read books about adopting and therapeutic parenting. So I've done some reading and research but obviously not nearly enough.

But...I'm nervous about getting in touch with the council even just for an initial conversation to find out more. I haven't even told family or friends that I'm thinking about adopting because I'm scared about how they will react. I have a lot of worries about whether I'd be a good parent to a child throughout their life. I know adopting isn't easy.

I'm suppose I'm just looking for some encouragement or advice. What should my next steps be? How do I broach the subject with my family (we're close, but not very good at talking about personal stuff which probably isn't good!). And if you are an adoptive parent, what made you go from just thinking about adoption to actively pursuing it? I would be so grateful for any advice.

Hi, I feel the same. I'm 40 and thinking of adopting a sibling for my BC. I've done so much reading but actually going ahead with anything feels so scary!
I guess you could go along to an information event and see how you feel afterwards? I'm sure they could support you in telling your family if you decide to take it further. Could you maybe take a friend along for support?

Good luck x

We chose to speak to the agencies and get some information before discussing with our families; our logic was that there was no point getting their input or their hopes up if we were going to be turned away at the first hurdle.

Everyone has their own preference when researching the best type of organisation to go with; but after researching and engaging with quite a few, we didn't like the approach that most LAs took, and much preferred all of the adoption agencies over the LAs.

We eventually went with one of them and submitted our expression of interest in April, and have just had our final Stage 2 assessment today. We could not have been more pleased with how the process has gone for us so far, and feel so lucky with the social worker we have been working with.

I think at the beginning, family-finding was also a key factor in our decision-making, in that LAs generally only try to place children in its care with their adopters, whereas most agencies don't have their own children under their care, so will consider with you most/all children regardless of which organisation currently cares for them.

I didn't tell my family in the early stages, but as we progressed through Stage 1, we needed to provide a family member reference each, so sharing this came earlier than I had wanted it to; so that's just something to be aware of in relation to you not wanting to tell your family yet. But nothing stops you going to information days for fact-finding before telling anyone else!

We UMMd and AHHd about it for a few years before we both finally felt we were on the same page and ready to move forward, even with the acknowledgement that actually we were never truly going to be 'ready' or in the best position to have children, the same as most parents who conceive naturally etc. I think going to some information days and starting to understand the process more and hearing from adopters and so on will help you to decide if now is the right time for you - you're not committing to anything at that stage. We went to our first information day around 2.5 years ago and it took until April this year for us to say 'ok, let's go for it'.

Hope that helps. And as someone who only started the process 4 months ago and has been through it pretty quickly (approval panel scheduled for 3rd Nov !) it's all still pretty fresh in my memory so happy to answer any other questions you may have if you think it would be useful!

• Mr. KnightGlimmer86

I’m a single adopter. I applied when I was 43, I’d probably been thinking about it from late 30s.
I guess I always thought I’d be a mum, but I wasnt that fussed about having a baby. I applied when the time felt right, though I did delay once I’d started the process because I had the opportunity for a much better job.

Just go to an information evening, you won’t need to talk in any depth to a social worker if you don’t want to and it doesn’t commit you to anything, Once you’ve taken that step, the next will be easier.

Its perfectly normal to be nervous and have doubts. Its a huge thing you are contemplating, why wouldn’t you be nervous about it? Personally I think thats better than going into it thinking you know it all and being over confident.
My family were never close, we didnt talk much at all. I just sat them down and said I was doing it. I think they were a bit relieved to be honest, the last time I sat them down to tell them something big was that I was giving up my nice secure job, going to travel across Africa and going back to uni. I think they thought adoption was a lot tamer! My son has definitely changed the dynamic in my family, we are much closer, they think he is the bees knees and he thinks the world of them,
With the exception of one, my friends were supportive, some more enthusiastic than others at the start, but they have embraced him and us a family.
As for being a good parent, that doesn’t mean perfect. We are all just making it up as we go along. You will make mistakes, I’ve made plenty but that’s ok, You learn, move on and do better next time.
Being a single mum is hard work, but I don’t regret it for a minute

We were very apprehensive about starting the process. We'd had 2 years of being unable to conceive and didn't want to go through ivf so adoption was our next option. Although my partner had wanted to try adoption earlier. I started doing loads of research about agencies and the process and found our RAA that sounded like it covered all we wanted and then contacted them.

We had an initial virtual meeting December with a social worker who answered a lot of our questions and suggested things to read etc and then we submitted our expression of interest in January. We were approved in July. Now in the matching phase.

All of our friends and family that we've told have been very very supportive, most of them are in our support network. They've all been keen to learn about the process too and have participated in some of our agency family and friends events as well as the adoption UK ones.

Adoption UK has been great, they do a weekly (sometimes during the day sometimes in the evening) prospective adopter group sessions which have been fab as well - you don't need to be an adoption UK member to join these chats

Thank you so much everyone for replying and sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it and you've given me more to think about.

I had just assumed I would be best to get in touch with my local authority, but I'm now going to look into agencies and have an initial chat with a couple of them too. It's really good advice to do that before speaking to family, I will do that so I am armed with as much info as possible.

To everyone who posted who's currently in the process of adopting or thinking about it, I hope it works out well for you.

Thank you again, I am actually a wee bit emotional and starting to think, hey, maybe I can do this.

To add to what someone else said LA / RAA have the children to place whereas independent agencies don't so it may take longer to be matched with a child with an independent agency but you can look nationally whereas with an LA / RAA you can only look in your area for the first 6 months and then look nationally.

Our RAA covers Hull, east riding, York, north Yorks and north east Lincolnshire so our children will (hopefully) be from one of those Council areas

Thanks @claireb7rg that's good to know.
I'm in Scotland, I am assuming it would be a similar approach and I would be able to look nationally (UK wide) if I went with an agency here. That's something I will be sure to ask about.

So not always the case that an LA will wait 6 months before letting you look nationally, ours didnt so must depend.

Hi - I am also in Scotland and it is a little different here. Not as many VAs to consider, and the LAs only ask for 3 months of staying within the area before they will give you access to the Scottish Adoption Register to loom country wide.

@scully29

So not always the case that an LA will wait 6 months before letting you look nationally, ours didnt so must depend.

Oh interesting, I'd heard the same from a few people in other areas of the country so assumed it must be a national thing.

@tinkerbell53 Thanks for the info about how things work in Scotland.

You can take your time talking to your family. In the world of adoption things usually move slowly.

You might want to check if your local Adoption UK group offers events for prospective adopters. We found that very helpful at the time.

We always wanted to be parents and IVW did not feel right. The whole process is very step by step, so you will know if it is right for you by the time you need to decide. You can change your mind for a very long time.