How long until placement

[Pegs11]

Hi, we are considering adopting a child, but we could only adopt one, for space reasons. I’ve heard it can take longer to find a match if you can only give a home to a single child. I’d love to hear from people who (for whatever reason) only had capacity to adopt one child… how long was it for you between the day of your panel approval to the day your child was placed with you? Also I’ve heard it can take longer with girls than with boys so really just trying to get an indication. Thank you

With sleep this is a thing all parents have, not just adopted children, I have two already and they have only recently mastered sleep, they are ages 7 and 6. No sleep is really really tough but its really helpful to have support, and cebebbies, and expectations that expect little sleep. Having had kids with no sleep I am always very unbelieving of the profiles that say a child sleeps all night! But I do think you will hear lots of stories of children who dont sleep and children who do sleep! To me adapting to no sleep was really hard but like others have said, its a non negotiable you just do it because you love them and you have to. Its different having no sleep because your sleeping next to a child who needs your touch to sleep than for any other reason, and you just kind of adapt and have tea and cebebbies while you wake up.
Every child will be different and being honest with your social worker will enable all this to be taken into account

Hi not adopted but I spent a lot of time in care homes. Sleep may well be an issue when everything in this child life changes, I used to lay awake heartbroken, feeling alone, missing my mum, dad siblings, wondering when/if I would see them again, wondering if I'm in a safe home, wondering if I'll be in this home for a long time or not.

If you have a kid there will be sleep issues, my youngest struggles with worms as he sucks his thumb, that's a no sleep until 3/4am issue. He is a good sleeper otherwise.

My honest advice would be get over the sleep issue, all parents have a period of learning that you can survive on fuck all sleep for a surprising amount of time.

A 'difficult' sleeper is likely to be a very lonely and unhappy child at night, you're alone at night, your head can tell you things that are awful. It's also possible that you will be the first person to try and have a 'bedtime' for this child.

You need to be very aware that children waiting for adoption will change over time. They will be a bit fucked up, a child who appears to be happy will have issues that they may not be aware of until they've been in a stable home for a while.

You're not getting a sheepdog who has been trained you are getting a child who has no idea whats going on. Your habits are new, you are new, you may not be there in a month, you may be yet another adult who doesn't like that child. It is so hard as a kid to believe that you are not in care because you are bad or unloveable.
There is a reason it takes so long.

Thank you all so much for your replies and advice.

@Jellycatspyjamas I think you’re right, too much information could freak me out (it already has, a bit!) and I think maybe I should just get on with it and see what happens. I’m sure the SW will figure out whether we are ready to adopt or need a bit longer. Thank you

wise words @lilmishap

I also think being vigilant with an older child who is not necessarily calling out to make sure a child is comfortable and sleeping is important - not getting enough sleep plays havoc with hormones, cognitive skills, it will feed into any other problem and compound it.

Sorry, not the point of the thread though!

OP I am sorry I just went back and read your posts - I hadn't read the full thread

adopting a child with unforeseen behavioural difficulties that are so severe we really can’t cope my opinion - and I am aware that not everyone who posts in adoption will agree - is that there are roadmaps for behaviour - the parenting advice you get on websites like ahaparenting is based on a huge body of research going back 50 years and it is comprehensive and extensive. There is also evidence based therapeutic parenting advice, such as the video I linked on another thread recently. Every child can be understood and helped by reference to these resources.

We’re not made of steel, and if someone asked us if we thought we could cope with ANYTHING adoption throws at us, then the answer would probably be “no” I think it is very much a relationship thing - it is unlikely that the child will in a vacuum just continue to lob things at you - there will be reasons and there will be answers.

Also, you know, if you have biological children, life has a way of chucking things at you. One of my dc got very ill with an infection when they were 2 and were in IC for a while and there were consequences of that which took years of therapeutic work to deal with. It was horrendous, but you just deal with it because it becomes the most important thing (along with needs of other dc) in the world for you for you to do so.

I’m not sure how we’ll I’d cope, for example, if we adopted a child who kept us awake most of the night you adapt. You think you can't but you do, and if you want the best for the child, you will be so focused to help the child sleep - to meet their needs - you will not realise that you are in fact functioning.

I think bottom line (sorry to use the phrase) - parents needs are often the polar opposite of their children's needs. But if you can meet your children's needs, you will be rewarded by the relationship you have with them - you get back what you put in.

I just wrote a very TLDR post and then accidentally deleted it, so I shall summarise.

Whether it appears that way or not, all of my questions relate in some way to my current state of health and what I’ll be able to cope with. How much resilience will I need…? I’m extremely resilient in many ways, but in other ways I’m not… sometimes my mental and physical health aren’t tiptop, and I’m trying to gauge how much this might impact, and how much “better” I might need to be in order to cope with the gruelling adoption process and with a traumatised child. Whether I really will be able to “adapt”, and “just get on with it”, as most parents do. Whether the excellent support network I have around me will be sufficient for us to cope with the x, y or z that could happen.

Health-wise, I have been on an upward trajectory for the last two years and feel very strongly (after years of not even knowing what was wrong with me) that now it’s simply a matter of tweaking my medication a little bit more to get me there. But… perhaps I’ll never be 100%. Will that matter…? Will 90% better be good enough…? What if I go down to 50% every now and then due to lack of sleep…? I have these questions swimming around and really, everything about this process hinges on my health and my level of resilience… and the support and resources I might need and can access… and the “worst case scenario” events and my ability to rise to the challenges. So whether it seems that way or not, all of my questions link in with this!

I guess I don’t want to apply and be turned down with a flat “no” because I haven’t prepared properly. I’m trying to figure out where I need to be in terms of my health and capacity, before even applying.

It’s very rare to get a flat “no”, much more usual to have things to work on or think about. Flat “no” tends to be around things like smoking, schedule 1 offender, drug use etc, so things that are reasonably predictable - they’ll likely ask for an early medical to explore your health concerns so you can work with your health care providers to give as stable a base as possible. You can also talk to someone at your LA adoption team informally about your specific concerns and they’ll be able to advise you.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you, that’s helpful. I will try and speak to someone at some agencies who can give me a bit more to go on than the vague answers I’ve received so far from them.

I was trying to be encouraging, and being positive. But obviously no, in a literal sense not all parents "adapt" and cope.

I think it is good that you are very reflective. I think for you to find out about various scenarios and imagine how you would cope is a good strategy.

@sassygromit yes, I’m trying to figure out whether I’m cut out for this. I know I probably won’t know for sure until I’ve got some way into the process, but I still think there are things I can start doing now to prepare, and to spot where my weaknesses might be so I can address them asap. I realise my lines of questioning might have seemed a little abstract but really, it’s all helping me get from A to B. I’m not ready to do a registration of interest yet, but I will take the advice of try to speak to someone at one or two agencies to see what they think of my health circumstances, etc.

I think as well once you have a child placed with you, you can be surprised at what you can cope with in practice rather than theory. One of our children has been diagnosed with a condition which means we need to inject them every day. No way would we have thought we could cope but we gave no choice do we do. Lack of sleep during the night is an issue, but you can nap during the day when they are at school etc. Since they moved in I have been diagnosed with a long term medical condition. There are ways round everything and you will be surprised with yourself how much you can do when you have to!

@Patchyman1 Yes I do hear a lot that you can surprise yourself with how well you can actually cope.

In some ways, I think life has prepared me very well for the challenges adoption might bring. In spite of my fears about how difficult it could get, and whether I’d cope, I actually do wonder sometimes if adoption might be a breeze compared to what my husband and I have been through in the past 😅 and whether I’m perhaps worrying disproportionately!

We have been through things that have pushed us to the very edge, we have had to contend with stuff we could never in a million years have dreamed of…. and we have survived. Our relationship took a few hard knocks along the way, but we were committed and determined and we got through it… we have actually been incredibly strong and resilient in that regard.

I may have health issues that sometimes eat up some of my energy, and this does concern me, I do need to figure out if/ how I’ll cope during the bad times … But there’s another side to the coin, which is that I know how to persevere with things and to not give up.. I’m a dab hand now at fighting tooth and claw for things - like getting the right help and support (I’m also getting much better at knowing when to walk away from a battle and focus my energy on something more productive).

I think these things will help me be a strong parent… I’ve dealt with almost everything life could throw at a person already and I’m still here 😅

@Pegs11 for us at least and in most cases I believe the medical is done in stage 1. So there would be plenty of time to work out any potential medical issues with your social worker prior to approval