How long until placement

[Pegs11]

Hi, we are considering adopting a child, but we could only adopt one, for space reasons. I’ve heard it can take longer to find a match if you can only give a home to a single child. I’d love to hear from people who (for whatever reason) only had capacity to adopt one child… how long was it for you between the day of your panel approval to the day your child was placed with you? Also I’ve heard it can take longer with girls than with boys so really just trying to get an indication. Thank you

I adopted a single child. I found him 4 months after approval, getting him home was another matter.

My experience is that boys wait longer

@Ted27 thank you for replying. How long did it take from finding him to getting him home, may I ask?

I think it varies for a lot of reasons, such as the area you are in and also the age of the child you are approved for. We were approved for a single child, 0-2 and were prepared to do EPP. With EPP it's a bit different as you don't have to go to matching panel before the child moves in but our little one moved in 17 days after we were approves at panel

Our first child was linked 3.5 months after approval panel and came home 6 months later. Our second child was linked 4 days after the ADM signed off signed off approval panel decision back in February and we begin introductions next week.

Both times we have experienced a variety of delays between the initial linking visits and going to matching panel. Delays included social worker illness and holidays; actually getting a meeting with a paediatrician and foster carers having bereavement and holidays. Both times the various social workers involved have only worked part time and so meetings could only take place on certain days of the week due to their other commitments.

We were approved feb this year 0-3 single child and still waiting.

Are you actually going to adopt? You have posted do many questions have you thought about contacting an agency to put all these questions to? Also if you haven't even started the process it's a bit early to ge asking how long a placement would take. Things change, how long is a piece of string?

Definitely a piece of string question. My son came home a year after I was approved. I said no to quite a few children.

It took six months from matching to him coming home because there was a Christmas delay and then a Covid delay.

Approved in the December, match found in the April, LO home in the July

@Patchyman1 we are considering adopting. I want to find out as much as I can about it. Yes, I have talked to a couple of agencies, and been to a talk by one of them, but I’m not planning to submit a registration of interest until I’ve heard a lot more real experiences from a wide range of real people who have done it.

@Pegs11 At the prep courses, they tend to invite adopters along to tell their story. I think adoption uk have zoom meetings for prospective adopters, agencies might too. Could be useful to you

@Patchyman1 I’m sure the adopters who share their experiences at the prep courses would be really helpful… but there would only be a handful of them, and they presumably would have been hand-picked to an extent by the agency to share their experience. I just think it’s wise to hear the experiences of as many adopters as possible in order not to end up with any unrealistic or false expectations.

I also always totally recommend the Adoption UK zoom meet ups they are fab.

The thing is so much depends on variables, including what you hope the outcomes to be (eg number, age of children), where in the U.K. you are, what’s happening in wider society at the time - for every person who were matched quickly, there will be someone who waited 2 years. For everyone who has had an easy time, there will be someone who hasn’t.

Individual stories are just that and while I understand you wanting to go into it with your eyes open, your process will be your process. In the meantime asking lots of questions about a very personal process with no real context will put folks backs up because it feels like gathering information for the sake of it.

Usually people here are happy to share advice (often from their own experience) where people are asking questions based on their own experience - tbh it feels a bit voyeuristic to be asking for the kind of information you have been without any context, eg gathering folks experiences on spec.

but I’m not planning to submit a registration of interest until I’ve heard a lot more real experiences from a wide range of real people who have done it.

This also stood out to me. Adoption is about creating a family, if you want to create a family the adoption process is just part of that - steps to take to have a child. Knowing the general process is one thing, but basing your decision to enter that process on what others have experienced strikes me as odd. What would people say to make you go ahead, or say to make you decide not to go ahead.

Whilst I think that it can be helpful to hear other people’s experiences before you start the process, it can also be confusing

I adopted a nearly 8 year old, its been a success, other people will tell you to run a mile.
Some people will say don’t adopt more children than there are adults, but I know single adopters with more than one child, and couple who adopted big siblings groups who are doing well
Just two examples
I am particularly reluctant to discuss timescales. Once you get into the process, other peoples timeframes are meaningless and may cause you unnecessary stress if you don’t appear to be progressing as quickly as others.

@Jellycatspyjamas I thought it would be beneficial to hear from a wide range of real people before deciding whether to go down the adoption route. It’s certainly not gathering information for the sake of it. The last thing I want is for people to regard me as suspicious! Perhaps I should have given more context at the start of each of my threads… I guess I didn’t feel it necessary to repeat myself. I also didn’t realise that my questions were particularly sensitive, but then I don’t have children so perhaps I don’t fully understand that side of things.

I’m just trying to be sensible and responsible about adopting, and asking real people about their real experience is helping me figure out not just what to expect in terms of the process but also whether I’m cut out for it at all! Even though I want children (and can’t have my own), I know adopting is a very different ballgame and at the moment I don’t even feel confident about doing a registration of interest! I want to find out a lot more first… I don’t want to just dive into it and ask questions later (…although I’m sure many more questions WILL come later!). It seems like an absolute minefield and I’m trying to arm myself with some sort of roadmap - one that’s based on possibilities and probabilities that I need to consider - before pushing ahead.

I don’t want to rely just on what the agencies tell me, as I’ve heard they can be a bit liberal with the truth and I worry they will cherry-pick from adoptive parents sharing their experiences at talks etc.

I could be accused of over-thinking it I suppose, as this is something I have a tendency to do… but I would resent a label of “voyeur” if you were to slap it on me.

@Pegs11

I’ve given talks at adoption prep groups. My story has never been ‘vetted’. I am always honest.
I regard our story as a success, that is not to sat its been without challanges. It has, we have had very difficult times, but have come through them. Which really is what most adopters do.

Adoption can be very tough, its good to know that and be prepared
The truth about adoption is that it is a gamble. But its a gamble that for the majority of us pays off. We have problems and challenges, sometimes very complex, we also have great kids and ordinary family lives.

@Ted27 thank you for your reply. I think I am quite scared of taking that gamble. But I have to weigh up the potential heartache caused by adopting a child as opposed to never doing it… Both seem a bit of a gamble to me.

For me, the gamble I’d be taking by adopting is:

a) the adoption process (TERRIFIED of applying, getting my heart set on it and then being rejected); and

b) adopting a child with unforeseen behavioural difficulties that are so severe we really can’t cope. We’re not made of steel, and if someone asked us if we thought we could cope with ANYTHING adoption throws at us, then the answer would probably be “no”. I’m not sure what level of resilience would be expected but we do have our limits, and we are more resilient in some areas than others…

I’m not sure how we’ll I’d cope, for example, if we adopted a child who kept us awake most of the night. Not getting adequate sleep for an extended period of time means I can’t function properly. Does this make me unsuitable or would it be considered unreasonable to expect me to have good levels of energy, irrespective of the quality of my sleep? It’s these sorts of anxieties that are plaguing me.

Pegs, I dont think that the adoption process, training, talks, etc, are set to make things sound easy, but quite the opposite, they really really dont want anyone to go into it unprepared, no one wants that, and so they really really do batter you with really thought provoking stuff, theres no sugar coating. The assessment is long and extensive and deep, they have you consider all kinds of things in proper depth, like even matching criteria is hard and thats like one form. So I wouldnt worry about things not being true from that side of things. It really helps to get a broad spectrum of real stories sometimes I agree so you can hear the positive along with the difficult side. I think mumsnet isnt so good for it as people dont want to overshare on social media for many reasons. A really good thing to look at is the Adoption UK adoption barometer perhaps as that gives anonymous truths from adopters.
For two very different sides of the stories, theres the adoption vloggers, Aimmee Vlog and Molly Mama Adopt on the one side, and theres the Al Coates Podcast on the other, all views are really valid and really helpful, but really quite interestingly different!
On expectations it really is hard, and I think it is useful to hear that the 6 months thing they quote isnt realistic, I would have liked to have known that at the start as we thought it would be much quicker than it has been and I dont know why they make that target but guess it must work sometimes.
Expectations on placement is also really hard, on our stage 2 group one of us got matched immediately, the rest still waiting or even still waiting for panel, there are so so many variables.
best thing to do is read and watch everything you can, join adoption Uk and their zoom meetings, watch ALL their webinars, and document all of this that you do as will be needed in your assessment later, reflect on each thing too (written) and build your knowledge theres so much to read and watch its all helpful :)

I also give talks at adoption prep groups. It's much easier to talk about our journey/experience than it is to type out.

We adopted a sibling group. If I had to tell their stories separate one would sound incredibly tough, the other not so much. I have experienced some people being horrified at some things they have heard and others just accept it as it is.

On our prep course we had 7 families. One didn't make it to the end of the course, one were told they were not ready to adopt, one changed their mind after panel and 4 went on to adopt. I have adopter friends who are single with one child, couples with one child, all different family make ups.

We both worked full time pre kids. Now I work part time and my husband doesn't work. It's what we have to do to meet their needs.

Won't lie, we have had and continue to have tough times. Never expected to experience half of what we have. But they are our kids and we would both do anything for them.

@Pegs11

remember that at the moment you are thinking in the abstract about an unknown future child. When you have YOUR child its very different.

Every parent has disrupted sleep, you adapt and get on with it. What do you think would happen if you had a baby and they didnt sleep? You just get on with it.
The only thing I was absolutely certain about was not wanting a pre-schooler. I wasnt overly keen on having a boy with ASD.
Who did I end up with? An 8 year old who happend to have ASD but at 17 is a funny, brave, charming young man.
Words like ASD, FAS can be very scary, But when you start to look at real children you will have more of an idea of how these things impact that individual child.
None of us are made of steel, all of us are different with regard to our resiliance.
I’ve had some tough times, but we made it through, and it was all worth it. We are a family and we stick together.
No reason that things would be any different for you.

[quote Pegs11]@Ted27 thank you for your reply. I think I am quite scared of taking that gamble. But I have to weigh up the potential heartache caused by adopting a child as opposed to never doing it… Both seem a bit of a gamble to me.

For me, the gamble I’d be taking by adopting is:

a) the adoption process (TERRIFIED of applying, getting my heart set on it and then being rejected); and

b) adopting a child with unforeseen behavioural difficulties that are so severe we really can’t cope. We’re not made of steel, and if someone asked us if we thought we could cope with ANYTHING adoption throws at us, then the answer would probably be “no”. I’m not sure what level of resilience would be expected but we do have our limits, and we are more resilient in some areas than others…

I’m not sure how we’ll I’d cope, for example, if we adopted a child who kept us awake most of the night. Not getting adequate sleep for an extended period of time means I can’t function properly. Does this make me unsuitable or would it be considered unreasonable to expect me to have good levels of energy, irrespective of the quality of my sleep? It’s these sorts of anxieties that are plaguing me.[/quote]
Having just gone through the process, all of your questions will be answered by either your social worker or the training.

It's very in depth training and your social worker will end up knowing everything (and I mean everything) about you, your wishes for a family and what you will and won't be able to cope with. You get to say what you will and won't cope with in a child and you get to decide whether a child is for you or not.

You get lots of chances to stop the process and it goes as fast as you want it to. Agencies advise from expression of interest to approval paneland we were pretty much on that track. We submitted our expression of interest in January and were approved mid July.

There were 7 couples / individuals on our training and out of the 7 only one hasn't yet had approval panel yet.

Your PAR (the report all about you) will go into all the detail needed to be able to adopt

I can understand that, I’m someone who likes a lot of information on which to base a decision but things like a individual child’s background, matching considerations and the like are quite personal. In my children’s case there are parts of their story they don’t know yet which I won’t be sharing with others before I share it with them. You’ve mentioned specific concerns (eg sleeping) which folk might be happy to answer more than they would a general question about their adoption experience than tell you about their child etc.

In terms of adopters at information meetings, they tend to be asked to give an honest account, you don’t generally find someone speaking who is going through a crisis, for obvious reasons, but people who are relatively stable and settled. That’s much more about supporting the parents than filtering what they tell you.

For my part, I adopted 2 siblings aged 4 and 6 at the time. I can’t remember when I last had an uninterrupted sleep - for no reason other than they both routinely come into bed with me. Of course my energy levels are affected but it’s been years since sw have been anywhere near us, so I don’t really care if they expect me to be bright eyed and bushy tailed every day - sometimes I am, sometimes not, just like every other parent I know.

You could read some of the threads talking about early placement which can be incredibly challenging, but there’s a lot of support here too. The danger is the more you read, the more you might freak yourself out. I often think the adoption process is one you need to take one step at a time, rather than trying to look too far into the future.

Talking 15 years ago now. Friends of ours waited 2.5 yrs after approval before placement. We waited around 20 months, but it could have been < 1 month if we had said yes to the link we were offered just before approval.

Adoption is a leap of faith, there are no certainties, just as there are none with birth children. If you know you would find it hard with less sleep then you can say 'no' to a known bad sleeper - but there is no guarantee that a good sleeper in FC won't turn into a bad sleeper with you. (And all birth parents would probably 'request' good sleepers if they could too.)

The older the child the more likely it is that certain issues will be obvious already - but the more experiences they will have gone through before you.

You will need to be honest with yourselves as to what you think you can/can't cope with, but you just don't know how a child will change over time.

We went through the process giving it our all, but also knowing we could change our minds if we wanted.