Day to remember?

[Rosebud2005]

We are coming up to the day ds moved in with us. He’s never wanted to recognise his adoption day and since he was little wanted to do something on this day. We’ve always done an activity or day out of some sort but now he’s a teenager and currently pushing us away as he doesn’t feel we’re his family as I’ve mentioned before.
So he doesn’t want to go out for something to eat, do anything. I’ve always felt it’s important not to let this day go unnoticed or to be forgotten as it was the most important day for us as a family. Adoption day was obviously but this was the day we feel we became a family.
Should I keep it up or am I likely to upset him even more by insisting on this?

If he’s made it clear that he doesnt want to do anything then no I wouldn’t insist. I’m not sure how you would make him participate and even if you managed it he will probably resent you for it and you will have a miserable time.
why don’t you just give him a card and small present related to something he is interested in

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. We celebrate the day we met our son. For us, it also represents when we became a family and I hope we will always be able to mark it in someway. I have no experience of teens or of this situation but I would be inclined to do something to recognise the occasion. A card and small gift as Ted27 said sounds like a good idea. If you do nothing, might it reinforce the current perception of you as 'not family'? Even if he won't accept it on the day, he won't be able to conclude that you are rejecting him.

I agree with @Ted27, something small that lets him know the day matters to you - he may be struggling and not want to celebrate, and teen years are difficult in that young people are very much figuring out their identity and his has complexities that most don’t need to deal with. A small minding lets him know you remember which may be important to him as he gets older - I think sometimes we need to hold space for our kids when they can’t do it for themselves.

I’d also suggest you do something nice for yourself whether that be a nice meal, coffee with a friend or whatever would be celebratory for you - it’s an important anniversary for you too and one that you can mark in your own way for you.

The other thing we do is celebrate our family on our wedding anniversary. It’s less laden with mixed memories for our children and something we’d celebrate as a couple anyway - maybe there’s another occasion when you could celebrate your family which may be a bit tangential but still meaningful?

We don't celebrate the days they came home- the days they again lost everything and started again, a day of massive grief.

We make a massive fuss of birthdays- a day to celebrate them, in all their glorious individuality.

I don't feel we need a day to celebrate being a family, any more than any other family- is that not everyday?

I know some adoptees find birthdays a challenge, though. And some like celebrating "gotcha" day. I would listen to your child on this, and let them know you love and respect them.

Just to offer a different point of view, my eldest dd got to 13 and we'd always had a little treat or trip on the day she came 'home' and insisted that she didn't want to do anything that year. No problem....until the actual day and she was in fact so incredulous that I hadn't organised anything she was convinced I'd planned a surprise....cue a very frantic morning sorting out a suitable surprise.
I'm not saying your son is the same or feels the same but it might be wise to have something in reserve incase he does change his mind.

'gotcha' day is very Americanised, feels very different to me

given the chance my son would celebrate first day of intros, moving in day and court day, so we just pick one day depending on where they fall ( sometimes its over Easter)

last two years we have had afternoon tea on our allotment, cake, some time together, he does get a present. Very personal to us, far from a big celebration.
Its our 10th anniversary next year and he will be 18 , so we will have a special holiday, assuming we can travel by then, and a small celebration with family
far from gotcha day

I agree with pretty much everything that people have written here. As an adoptee, my 'Gotcha Day' is personally more special to me than Birthday, however my sister as a teen went through something similar to your son.
My parents always made sure we had her favourite takeaway for dinner. They also ensured they had a little present hidden away, just in case she was disappointed nothing happened. This seemed to work well, and allowed flexibility depending on how she was feeling on the day.