Child’s background

Pegs11 · 2021-07-27T14:00:50+00:00

Hello, I wondered if any of you who have adopted would feel comfortable telling me a bit about your child’s background, what their life was like before they were taken into care, how this has impacted them and how it’s manifested since you’ve known them. I’ve read about it but not spoken to anyone with real life, first hand experience. Thank you in advance.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/07/2021 15:11

Why do you ask? It’s unusual to be asking about the background of children without giving some kind of context so people can decide how much, if anything, they’d like to share. What’s your interest in adoption, for example.

Original poster

Pegs11 · 27/07/2021 16:02

Oh yes, of course.. sorry… I am looking to adopt a child, and have been using this forum to ask burning questions as I’ve been going along! I just want to arm myself with as much information as possible before diving in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pegs11 · 27/07/2021 16:05

Here’s the most recent thread I started: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/4301482-Burning-questions-about-adoption?msgid=109244179

OP posts:

kitkat463 · 27/07/2021 16:34

I don't think you,ll get many replies as your first thread asked so many wide questions without much explanation of your circumstances, that people are naturally a little wary about sharing their child's history on an open forum. Especially here where journalists have been known to use posts as research. I'd suggest asking your social worker to put you in touch with an adopter or adoption support group in your area. You usually can join once you have applied to be an adopter. Also read adoption forums where you will get more stories of real life families, though bear in mind most people change details significantly for anonymity. Every child's background is unique and affects them in different ways but all children are affected by their backgrounds in positive and negative ways. Good luck on your journey if you are looking into adoption for yourself.

Original poster

Pegs11 · 27/07/2021 18:20

@kitkat463 That’s fair enough, I wasn’t sure if people would be happy to share these details on here, which is why I mentioned the thing about feeling comfortable to do so… but reading it back to myself now, I can see how it didn’t come across very well and how I might be mistaken for a journalist!

I have read about theoretical life situations that a child may have been removed from, and how - again theoretically - it might impact on them, but there’s nothing like hearing people’s real experiences. I’ll set aside some time to have a trawl through the forums… Thank you.

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claireb7rg · 27/07/2021 20:36

If you've got that far the training will cover that. We were approved to adopt two weeks ago and it was definitely covered in our training as well as hearing the stories in the webinar put on by adoption uk

Original poster

Pegs11 · 28/07/2021 11:39

@claireb7rg wow, congratulations! That’s a milestone. May I ask, how long was the official process for you, up to this point?

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sassygromit · 29/07/2021 20:54

There will be a huge variety of reasons why children are taken into care, and the effect on the child and how the child progresses will depend a lot on

the help they get in relation to any developmental trauma they have experienced
the help they get to process what has happened to them
the help they get in relation to life skills going forward
whether they are loved by and feel connected to their caregivers
whether they are well understood by their caregivers

It will also depend on what has happened to them after they were removed and in their current home environment. There are therefore many, many factors.

In my experience there isn't ever a lineal formula which will apply – although sometimes it will sound as though there should be, because some of the training given comes across as though adopted children suffer early life trauma and as a result behaviours follow a pattern and sometimes only early life experiences are considered when thinking about behaviour is confusing - basically as above I think it is usually going to be more complicated than this.

I have to admit I did wonder from your other thread if you were a writer....

If you are just wanting to adopt (and not a writer !) my advice instead is to read up on developmental trauma, normal child development and research based parenting (such as on ahaparenting.com) and research based therapeutic work for children – becoming as expert as you can in all this will take you a long, long way towards successful parenting.

Good luck!

sassygromit · 29/07/2021 21:36

*ignore "is confusing" in second para, not sure where that came from!

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 30/07/2021 07:37

On prep courses you will get more info, plus anonymised / amalgamated profiles to give you an idea. There are so many reasons children are taken in to care, but it is unlikely that any/many people will be happy to post details here. Normally, although you may discuss their being adopted with others, you don't give details as to why.

In the homestudy you will get to discuss what you think you could / could not cope with eg

history of sexual abuse (impact on child & behaviour?)
parents with MH issues or SN (would they be inherited?)
born as a result of rape (coping with life story)
domestic violence witness / victim (impact on child & behaviour?)
known medical issues (could you cope?)

claireb7rg · 30/07/2021 14:24

[quote Pegs11]@claireb7rg wow, congratulations! That’s a milestone. May I ask, how long was the official process for you, up to this point?[/quote]
It took us 6 months. But loads of people on our training had taken longer than that

claireb7rg · 30/07/2021 14:25

@sassygromit

There will be a huge variety of reasons why children are taken into care, and the effect on the child and how the child progresses will depend a lot on

the help they get in relation to any developmental trauma they have experienced
the help they get to process what has happened to them
the help they get in relation to life skills going forward
whether they are loved by and feel connected to their caregivers
whether they are well understood by their caregivers

It will also depend on what has happened to them after they were removed and in their current home environment. There are therefore many, many factors.

In my experience there isn't ever a lineal formula which will apply – although sometimes it will sound as though there should be, because some of the training given comes across as though adopted children suffer early life trauma and as a result behaviours follow a pattern and sometimes only early life experiences are considered when thinking about behaviour is confusing - basically as above I think it is usually going to be more complicated than this.

I have to admit I did wonder from your other thread if you were a writer....

If you are just wanting to adopt (and not a writer !) my advice instead is to read up on developmental trauma, normal child development and research based parenting (such as on ahaparenting.com) and research based therapeutic work for children – becoming as expert as you can in all this will take you a long, long way towards successful parenting.

Good luck!

Must admit I thought that too.... Odd way of questioning

Original poster

Pegs11 · 01/08/2021 10:23

Thank you everyone for your helpful answers and signposting, and sorry for taking so long to reply!

Just to clarify, I’m not a journalist. I used to be a writer, but nothing to do with children or adoption or anything remotely close to it.

I was really tired and a bit ill when I wrote the post and sort of forgot that people need a bit more context! Wasn’t thinking straight 🤣

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Widgets · 08/08/2021 16:11

I have not even told my family about my children's backgrounds, so why would I tell a stranger on the internet?!?!

Local authorities and adoption agencies will send info packs and cover reasons children are taken into care during prep training courses and during the assessment process.