Thoughts about adoption and a birth child

[Mattieandmummy]

I wanted to ask for some thoughts from people who adopted their second child after already having a biological child and how you have found it although of course all child are different so I realise you can't cut and paste situations.

We are very unlikely to be able to have any further children of our own as I have developed adenomyosis and whilst we could try ivf adenomyosis makes this even less successful than it would be otherwise and after a number of miscarriages I can't face loosing another.

Our daughter is 3 years in November, we have the space in our house for another child and I am already a SAHM so we would just continue with that until school age when the plan is to go back part time whilst they are at school.

I guess I was wondering how you might deal with either child feeling like they weren't good enough or there being resentment. Am I overthinking this? Is this essentially sibling rivalry and you could manage this in the same way as you would if both were adopted or both were birth children - ie. by making sure both know they are loved and valued.

Any other thoughts or things to consider would be really welcome.

Many thanks and please be kind, we're new at this

There is a v helpful webinar on adopting with birthchildren in Adoption UKs webinar lists.
Your not overthinking it, there is lots to think about and its good to start thinking about it.
I cant advise as am still waiting for matching to add to our existing family, but can say they go into all this stuff alot in the process and you will read buckets on it. There is a useful vlogger who gives a positive side of things called molly mama adopt on you tube, and you will read alot of less positive stuff too.
They usually make sure of a 2 year, or more, gap between the 2 children so needs are different etc and a natural continuation etc.
I think thats all the help I can be, but always recommend Adoption uk they are full of helpful info :)

@scully29 thanks for all that, I will have a good look. Have to admit I was getting a bit worried about all the horror stories.

I hope you are not waiting much longer 🤞

Just remember a lot of people take to forums to ask for help and advice when something has gone wrong or they need support. Those with no issues don't often post about it. This is why you see a lot more negative stories than positives.

When my BS was nearly turning 9 we adopted a boy who was nearly 4. It all turned on the outcome of a bump into meeting- my BS had been very ambivalent about adoption and if he had said no following the meeting that would have been it. SW were worse than useless as swung from stop the process if your son is not keen to you are the adults so you decide. We therefore had to take control of the process. First 8 months were hard - AS is a very determined little boy who was used to hitting and kicking to express his frustrations, but I micro managed the interaction. First sign of aggravation and I intervened and both children got lots of individual time with a parent. On a few occasions I wondered if we had done the right thing despite how wonderful our AS was as my BS would cry sometimes at the negative energy created by his brother but 2 years in i can say it was indeed the right thing to do. My BS recently said he would be very lonely without his brother (I dont think he would be but it shows how he now regards him) and they have lots of fun together. I still manage it a bit - not least because I cannot abide listening to arguing - but gradually allowed them to work it out. My AS learned to respect the boundaries of my BS. It is particularly hard to have a BC who is not actively up for it and that is why I was determined he would get to decide but other parents may well take a different view. The age gap was definitely a good thing not least because the hitting and kicking was annoying rather than serious and a 100% consistent approach to the issue has resolved it for us.

Sorry, just realised I hadn't answered your Qs! You need to be guided by your BC and what fears they express to you. That having been said my BS told me recently a big part of his ultimate willingness for it to proceed was a youtube video he stumbled upon with a character that said how good it was to have an AC as a brother. We spent alot of time providing reassurance and explaining our friends did not love their oldest child less because they had more children but who knows what goes in and sticks. I would not have proceeded if my son had not ultimately been ok to proceed - and with hindsight I would take the same approach again - but even then at the risk of being facile it is just another of life's leaps into the unknown. It is really important though to think very very hard about basic compatibility- my AS is a delight, bright, loving and enquiring but he is also impetuous, determined and delights in annoying if ignored - and the mix created aggravation with a much quieter and sensitive individual.

oo model citezen you dont happen to know the you tube video you mention do you? Dont want you to have to ask your ds but if you know it yourself it could help us!

You are right about why you mainly read sad stories, it's definitely important to remember that.

My LO is all pro having another child in the house, she regularly announces that her brother and sister are in the post and will be here soon but she's also only just over two and a half and I don't think she really understands what a new sibling would really mean.

Can anyone advise as to whether a local authority or a private agency is better? I guess private agencies generally cover a wider area / nationally and so have access to more children needing a home?

Scully29 - I will ask as it won't be any bother.

thankyou! but only if it wont cause any stress or hohar atall! :)

@ModelCitizen

Scully29 - I will ask as it won't be any bother.

@ModelCitizen I would love to know too if that's ok? Thank you x

Its worth being aware that they often ask for an age gap (commonly seems about 4 years) between a new child and a birth child.
So it could be that you will need to be looking at the under 2 range at most which can take a while to find a placement. Very young children tend to arrive by foster to adopt which in my experience isn't as popular for people with children due to the uncertainty aspects

I guess private agencies generally cover a wider area / nationally and so have access to more children needing a home?

I can understand your thinking but it’s actually the opposite, private agencies don’t have children to place - they are paid to complete the pre-adoption assessment and local authorities then pay them when children are placed through them. This means that they usually have children who are harder to place, because local authorities will use their assessed adopters first. Harder to place doesn’t necessarily mean harder to parent - there are many issues which can make a child hard to place. Private agencies sometimes have better processes for post adoption support and tend to be quicker with the assessment process (because they don’t get paid until it’s completed), but they can also be quite choosy about who they accept for assessment (because complex assessment takes longer and they want it done quickly).

Local authorities can take a bit longer but know the children coming through the system so can sometimes place quite quickly and are more open to sticking with the process if it turns out to be more complex - again lots of reasons why the process is sometimes more complex. Local authorities will place you on Linkmaker which is the national register after 3 months if they don’t have a child for you.

I agree with pp that you see more bad stuff online. But with that proviso in place.
I wouldn't do it.
I have lost much of my relationship with my brith child because of the huge needs of their adopted sibling.
My birth child is attacked if I so much as take my eyes off them for a second.
If I give my birth child attention in front of my adopted child then they hurt themselves of destroy stuff to win that attention back.
It's like living in a constant war zone and the stress destroyed my marriage.
Your worries about them feeling loved enough/equal don't come on my radar at all. I'd die for both of them. They know that.
We destroyed our family by adopting simple as.

I have birth and adopted children. The ones who arrived by adoption can feel more "needy", but that's the way it is, and it can be difficult juggling everyone's needs.

However, mine all adore each other, and the dynamic is that of "normal" siblings. If anything, because the BC were counselled so well, I think it was easier than a birth sibling arriving "uninvited" as it were.

We went with a VA that offer support to BC already in the family, and it was important that the BC were considered in all decisions. The LA we adopted with treated the BC like some extra baggage, in the way, so I'm glad we didn't just have them supporting us, as it could have led to the BC rejecting the AC.

As it is, we're a "normal" messy family. Not always harmonious, often chaos, but family.

I have a BS and an AS. There is one year between them - they are now 8 and 9. There are just brothers - nothing more and nothing less. They fight and are fiercely protective of each other. Maybe we are lucky. Maybe we are the norm. I have no idea. It’s just how our family was formed. 🤷‍♀️

Ok, I asked my son. Yes, he remembers the clip, yes, it was likely it was an American family, yes it was a real life family. No, he has no idea how he came across it and how to find it again. Sorry, no use to anyone!

aw thanks Model citizen! il put that into you tube just in case you never know! my ds just loves you tube so could help!!

Thanks for the perspectives on agencies, that's really helpful and I understand that there needs to be a few years between our daughter and our second which is a good thing. I had always hoped for 3 to 4 years between children so see the gap as a positive.

I do worry that the levels of trauma of any adopted child would have a massively negative effect upon my daughter so am glad to see some people have negotiated this positively. I have several friends who have been adopted and have only positive things to say about the process but they are children of the 80's when perhaps it was different by which I mean all were adopted as babies and so had secure loving homes from a very young age.

This absolutely needs more thought.

My Mum had 2 of her own, then adopted 5, no resentment from the older ones at all (other issues around the younger adopted ones, but nothing about feeling resentment) Everyone case is different tho but you'll have a lot of support. Good luck with everything

@OP I’m sure anyone familiar with your story could only feel compassion for you.

@CliffsofMohair thank you, that's a kind thing to say although on this board I very much doubt that I am alone in that, sadly. But I do also recognise that I am so very very lucky to have my little girl.