Burning questions about adoption

[Pegs11]

After attending an initial adoption information meeting and reflecting on it, I have some questions about adoption and would love to hear people’s experiences…

1. Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. This worries me a lot! What are people’s experiences of this?

1. If you’ve adopted a slightly older child, are they happy to call you “mum”/“dad” (especially if they are maintaining contact with their birth mum/dad)…?

1. If your adopted child is of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

1. I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically (especially if you have not had children together before). If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

1. To older couples in particular, or those with health issues, do you have any issues with the energy and stamina needed to care for a child? How have you tackled this?

1. Did you encounter any problems at panel stage? Were you asked any difficult questions that hadn’t been addressed earlier in the process?

Thank you so much in advance for your help 😊

1. Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. This worries me a lot! What are people’s experiences of this?

We have indirect letterbox contact twice yearly including photos. It has been overwhelmingly positive. We also met BM whilst we were doing intros.

1. If you’ve adopted a slightly older child, are they happy to call you “mum”/“dad” (especially if they are maintaining contact with their birth mum/dad)…?

Eldest was nearly 8. Yes they were happy. I feel, though others may disagree, that if a child isn't ready to call you Mum&Dad or similar they maybe aren't in the right place to be adopted.

1. If your adopted child is of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

No. DC2 got asked some questions which we helped her answer. Something was once said in secondary by an ex primary pupil which the teacher jumped on immediately.

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

I'll come back to that later.

1. I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically (especially if you have not had children together before). If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

I don't think it really changed the dynamic that much. We had been married 10yrs and failed IVF before we adopted.

1. To older couples in particular, or those with health issues, do you have any issues with the energy and stamina needed to care for a child? How have you tackled this?

Only recently (youngest is 16)

1. Did you encounter any problems at panel stage? Were you asked any difficult questions that hadn’t been addressed earlier in the process?

No.

1. Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. This worries me a lot! What are people’s experiences of this?

We agreed to indirect letterbox contact with the birth parents twice a year via the adoption agency (no photos). This is the most common approach. This means we agreed to write to them twice a year to let them know how the kids are and vice-versa (kids are not involved in this). However, due to the lack of responses from the biological parents over the years to our letters (despite social services offering to support them) we stopped letterbox contact and will re-start it again if/when our children request it. It is important to note that once you adopt and receive your adoption order it is really up to you as a parent to decide what’s best for your child. In our case we didn’t think letterbox made any difference to our children’s lives and we actually felt uncomfortable sharing details of their lives without their consent. We feel that it is up to them to decide if/when they wish for information about them to be shared with their biological parents. However, we do talk openly about their biological parents and go through their life-story often with them. They know the exact circumstances that led to their adoption and know who their biological parents are through the information we share with them and photos.

1. If you’ve adopted a slightly older child, are they happy to call you “mum”/“dad” (especially if they are maintaining contact with their birth mum/dad)…?

The expectation in most cases is not that children are in contact with their birth parents, but that you as an adult write to the birth parents once or twice a year to update them, indirectly via the adoption agency, and vice-versa. In our case their birth parents are not known as mum/dad (since that’s us), but by their first name. However, this might be different for a 6+ year old.

1. If your adopted a child of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

We adopted younger children who are now in school. They haven’t been bullied relating to the fact they are adopted.

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

The adoption process itself probably, which is a rollercoaster of emotions and one of the most challenging and stressful things we’ve been through as a couple. We encountered general chaos and administrative incompetence all the way throughout the process. When we adopted we were just glad that it was all over and we could finally live happy lives with our children. If I went back and was able to offer myself some advice it would be - be very patient and get ready for a ride!

1. I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically (especially if you have not had children together before). If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

The change in the dynamic is that you will have less time for yourself and as a couple. Your life will become all about your adopted child/children.

1. Did you encounter any problems at panel stage? Were you asked any difficult questions that hadn’t been addressed earlier in the process?

Nothing out of the ordinary, but we are healthy and have a settled and secure life.

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

16+.
We should have asked for life story work for eldest when she was early teens. When she turned 16 and went to college she got a boyfriend very quickly and very seriously to the exclusion of friends, family and hobbies. I feel a lot as if this is replacing the birth family unit she never had. We still have the repercussions of this 6 years on and it has impacted out younger DC too. We didn't see it coming. Should we have? I don't know.

The other, related thing, has been balancing the differing needs of siblings with a larger age gap. During the pandemic we have had to make some really tough choices where their needs were diametrically opposite.

1. Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. This worries me a lot! What are people’s experiences of this?

This is usually in the form of letterbox as others have explained, some areas do seek face to face contact (relatively common in Northern Ireland), you’d be asked whether you’d be open to this, not being open to it wouldn’t necessarily exclude you from adopting.

1. If you’ve adopted a slightly older child, are they happy to call you “mum”/“dad” (especially if they are maintaining contact with their birth mum/dad)…?

My two were 4 and 6 and called us mum and dad from the outset, which I was concerned about tbh. They’ve settled well and have a good understanding of their various families along the way ie birth family and foster carers (who were also called mum and dad)

1. If your adopted child is of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

No, my DS particularly is fairly open about being adopted, there has been no bullying but that might change I teen years. If it wasn’t adoption it would be something else tbh so I’m not stressing about it.

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

The adjustment from being child free to parenting two very scared little people. Nothing can adequately prepare you for that.

1. I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically (especially if you have not had children together before). If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

It does, you’re responsible for a child or children, your relationship shifts and your time and priorities are necessarily elsewhere - much the same as for any new parents. Tolerance, patience and having each other’s back counts for a lot.

1. To older couples in particular, or those with health issues, do you have any issues with the energy and stamina needed to care for a child? How have you tackled this?

I was 42, yes it’s tiring but with older children you don’t have the same toddler chasing, judicious use of nursery, child care, help from friends helps relieve the pressure.

1. Did you encounter any problems at panel stage? Were you asked any difficult questions that hadn’t been addressed earlier in the process?

No, ours was a tricky assessment process with lots of delays but panel was very straightforward.

1. Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. What are people’s experiences of this?

We have letterbox once a year. At first the birth parents wrote back, now they don't. My children find that sad, but at the same time they feel there is less emotional upheaval for them. We have regular direct contact to birth siblings, which has been incredibly helpful in many respects, but also has brought some serious challenges. Overall it has been very helpful and positive though.

1. If you’ve adopted a slightly older child, are they happy to call you “mum”/“dad”?

It was the first word one of my daughters said to me (aged 6 at the time). She felt we were the solution to all her problems. 9 years on she still feels the same. My little one also always called us Mummy and Daddy.

1. If your adopted child is of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

In primary school in role play other children always wanted to be "the adopted child". My kids were told by others they wished they were adopted. In secondary we have had two nasty comments by the same boy. He was scared of potentially being taken into care. I explained that to my kids, they understood and were fine. They are quite proud to be adopted and continue to be very open about it.

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

The teenage years. With the effects of trauma and mental health problems, you really are on a very different playing field from birth parents. But there isn't anything I would do differently and my kids are still doing very well.

1. I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically. If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

I think our dynamics has not changed more than they would have with any other child.

1. To older couples in particular, or those with health issues, do you have any issues with the energy and stamina needed to care for a child? How have you tackled this?

We have always had enough energy. My kids feel we are very "normal" in that respect. We have 37 and 39 yrs age difference to our youngest.

1. Did you encounter any problems at panel stage? Were you asked any difficult questions that hadn’t been addressed earlier in the process?

No. It is similar to a job interview. We were well prepared and our sw was fantastic.

re Bullying because adopted.

I think in the 'old days' (50s/60s/70s) the majority of adopted children were there as relinquished (or really not given a choice) as babies. There was a stigma to being the child of unmarried parents (as most relinquished babies are). There were far fewer children not of 'happily married heterosexual parents'.

These days most people don't bat an eye. There are divorces, single mums, single dads, step families, gay/lesbian families. Adoption is just one other type.

However there is something you need to be prepared for. Many (not all) of adopted children have some kind of additional need, whether something like Autism or ADHD, or just being emotionally less regulated. This can make them less able to make / keep friends with NT untraumatised children. It can make life at school generally hard and stressful for them (the environment, and how they are treated by their peers).

You may need to pick a school not on Ofsted and reputation and academics, but on their pastoral care and SEN awareness.

After attending an initial adoption information meeting and reflecting on it, I have some questions about adoption and would love to hear people’s experiences…

1. Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. This worries me a lot! What are people’s experiences of this?

We have letterbox contact once a year, the bp write and I/we write back. Nothing lengthy, just a paragraph or two about how dc are getting on. No face to face contact

1. If you’ve adopted a slightly older child, are they happy to call you “mum”/“dad” (especially if they are maintaining contact with their birth mum/dad)…?

1. If your adopted child is of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

none, it has been very positive with children and teachers taking it into account and being very kind

1. What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

the cast majority of dc being adopted have suffered neglect or abuse at some point, even those fostered at birth have had the trauma being being removed from Mum, with that comes a lot of challenges such as attachment disorders. Parenting an ac is very different to an bc (I have one of each). It's rarely plain sailing

1. I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically (especially if you have not had children together before). If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

it changes everything, as a child changes everything for birth parents*

1. To older couples in particular, or those with health issues, do you have any issues with the energy and stamina needed to care for a child? How have you tackled this?

1. Did you encounter any problems at panel stage? Were you asked any difficult questions that hadn’t been addressed earlier in the process?

no

re panel. If you have any difficulties that might concern panel, you should be well aware of them beforehand, if you aren't then your assessing SW won't have done her/his job properly.

I will answer the questions that apply to my experience.

Apparently contact with birth parents is encouraged. This worries me a lot! What are people’s experiences of this?

We had an agreement re letterbox contact ( letter twice a year and birthday and Xmas cards ) . BM found this too difficult and stopped sending anything when DS was 4 years old. She chases though if we are late sending our letters to her. We have continued to write and send photos to her twice a year. We also had a contact agreement to meet birth siblings with their paternal grandparent supervising once a year. This went well for the first 6 years and then broke down for various reasons. We were happy to continue but the siblings were having their own issues and paternal grandmother then lost her daughter in a tragic accident. The daughter had been a huge support to her in helping to raise the children after they were removed from their birth mother and she has not been able to facilitate contact since. This has deeply affected my DS who feels rejected all over again. He is almost 16 now and struggles to talk about his siblings without getting very down.

If your adopted child is of school age, do they suffer any kind of bullying related to the fact they’re adopted? If so, how do you deal with this?

Yes - mild but it really hurts. There is a horrible rhyme " your mum ,your dad ,the ones you never had, you're adopted" . Both of mine have had that chanted at them. Being told they can't make a Mother's Day card because they don't have a mum/ your mum isn't your real mum. Being told that they must be horrible because their mum didn't want them. Confiding to a friend about being adopted and then the friend gleefully "outing them" after a falling out.

What have you found to be the most challenging aspect of adoption? In hindsight is there anything you would have done differently?

I had no idea how much being adopted and early life experience can damage a child's self esteem , even when the adoption happens at 10 months old. Also getting people/ friends / teachers to understand this is hard. I would not have taken the advice of my health visitor to use crying it out as a way to get DS to go to sleep or to stop him waking us in the night. It worked a treat but I have terrible guilt now that I realise how that may have contribute to the issues he has now even as a teenager.

I can imagine that adopting a child can change the dynamic of a relationship quite drastically (especially if you have not had children together before). If this applies to you, please could you share your experience and how you’ve dealt with that?

We've had no problems. We were married 10 years before we adopted. Of course it changes things but we adapted as all parents have to.

Thanks so much to all who have replied so far.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders what exactly is life story work and how do you think it can help?

@Jellycatspyjamas how long distance it take before your little ones stopped being scared and started to settle in? How long until you started using nursery and did they adjust well to this?

@AngelsWithSilverWings I’m so sorry your child had to go through this awful bullying, I’m sure it was upsetting for you too. How have you tackled it, if you don’t mind me asking?

@Jellycatspyjamas how long distance it take before your little ones stopped being scared and started to settle in? How long until you started using nursery and did they adjust well to this?

Honestly? It’s taken a long time, but there are different levels of settled and not scared - it took a while for them to take a snack from the cupboard without asking, or to ask for a snack at all, or to treat the house like their home generally. They didn’t move toys up to their rooms for a year - everything was in the playroom and they needed to feel safe in their rooms before taking toys up there. For my oldest it wasn’t until she had been with us longer than she’d been anywhere else so 3 years. In saying that, they’ve not been scared children all of that time but it pops up when they’re tired or sick or feeling insecure.

We started the kids in school and nursery about 8 weeks after they were placed, which was sooner than anticipated but they had been at school and nursery in foster care so we’re used to that routine, they both were very very demanding after placement (understandably so) and in all honesty I was struggling with having two children quite literally physically attached to me 24/7 so my sw was very supportive of them being in school (ie she really pushed it). We carefully chose the school though and they were fantastic at accommodating my kids needs, had a good understanding of early trauma and excellent additional support for kids - if that hadn’t been the case I would have waited longer. They moved in the summer holidays and my original plan would have been to have them home for 12 weeks which would have coincided with half term, as it was they went back after 8 weeks which coincided with a local long weekend holiday which worked just fine.

Life story work is where a trained person helps the adoptee make better sense of their past. I don't really know what is involved in it. DD2 is going to have it at some point when more urgent things are resolved, but that is a whole other story.

@Pegs11 re the bullying - we have if it's serious complained to the school who have had a word. The main thing is just reassuring the children that what the other kids are saying is rubbish.

We ask them how they want to deal with it. Do they want us to speak to the school or not or do they want to deal with it themselves. It's not easy dealing with bullying and often getting involved as a parent makes it worse for the kids. I've never found the answer to this.

The thing is kids ( mine included) get picked on for all sorts of reasons.

DS as well as being picked on for being adopted was bullied for having sticky out teeth, being very tall and not being interested in football.

DD has suffered bullying for allegedly having bushy eyebrows, being too skinny , struggling with work in class , being a posh little rich kid ( current state school ) and not being enough of a posh little rich kid ( previous state school)

Being a kid is hard!

@Pegs11

as @UnderTheNameOfSanders said life story work is about children understanding their past and how they came to be adopted.

It should be a continuous process from the early days. Thats not to say you have to talk about it every day, but more of a drip feed, depending on age and what memories they have.
So for example you might say to a young child, mummy and daddy couldnt keep you safe so the wise judge decided to find you a new family who could look after you. First you went to live with Peter and Jane who were foster carers. The social worker found us and thought we would be perfect for you so you came and joined our family.
As the child grows up you can provide more detail in an age appropriate way.
The work that @UnderTheNameOfSanders refered to is often called theraputic life story work and is delivered by a trained professional therapist.
once the children hit their teens, like most teens, they are thinking more about their identity, they may be very curious about their birth familiy.
As they mature, knowing the facts isnt enough. Why is the big question.

My son came to me at 8, he could recite chapter and verse, names, addresses, dates, incidents. He came to understand that mummy and daddy couldnt keep me safe meant they took drugs, drank too much, were violent.
Then the questions become why did they do that, why didnt they love me enough to stop, why didnt they try to keep me - and so on.

Children do have to be mature enough to handle the information. It is a theraputic process, not just the imparting of facts.

we had theraputic life story work when my son was 12 -14, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through with him, but he now has a very sophisticated understanding of how he got where he did, and that his birth parents were and remain very troubled individuals.

1. What are your particular worries? My son had letter box twice a year, we now send things directly to birth mum and she sends things to us (I have set up a po box). My son decides how often this is, he goes through phases of maybe once a month and at other times he will choose not to send anything to her or read her things for a few months at a time (I do tell her when this happens so she knows whats going on).

1. He was only a young toddler, he calls me Daddy, hes welcome to choose what he calls me, so if he chooses to call me by my name when he is older thats fine.

1. No, I have no idea if he has mentioned it to any children at school.

1. The lack of support for my son generally, post adoption support has been nonexistent, on top of that other professional services who are ignorant about adoption.

1. Single adopter, so N/A

1. I do have health issues, but they don’t have any impact on my parenting/don’t make me knackered, cause lots of pain etc, so I function as ‘normal’.

1. In family adoption so very different, my difficult questions focused around contact with the rest of the birth family as its hard to prove you won’t have contact with them. None of the questions I had were a surprise.

I am an adoptee, and face to face contact can be fantastically positive for adoptees in some situations - but for a basic introductory summary about what currently happens, this from Adoption UK might be helpful to you:

www.adoptionuk.org/managing-contact-with-birth-family

It is also worth looking at a few of AUK's "adoption barometers" to gain a better understanding of adoption generally, incidentally.

Re your question on bullying, I wasn't bullied at school, and people knowing about me being adopted was a positive thing. I think that the culture of the individual school and how it deals with bullying is going to be very relevant.

@sassygromit thank you for your reply, it’s very useful to hear your perspective as an adoptee. May I ask, how old were you when you were adopted, and is there anything else about your experience that you’d be willing to share?

I am sorry I got snowed under and missed this - I have just posted on your other thread instead