Does this sound like ds is being used?

[Rosebud2005]

Ds has recently been friends with a slightly older girl. Not really an issue, as he also has slightly younger friends also. It’s just since he met this one girl they have a lot in common.. ok fine, but I’ve been watching more and more and I get this feeling she might be getting him to spend his money on her. We’ve all done it, spent money on our friends but we give him £20 pocket money and once a month he’ll get £30 to spend on his own clothes. He says we’re not giving him enough money. He gets his money and it’s gone very quickly. When he gets the clothing money and they’re out together I see a lot of things like jewellery, makeup and ‘female’ items on his receipts. Now it’s his money rondo what he chooses but I’d hate to think he’s being used by someone he thinks is a friend. Whenever I ask him who he’s spending is money on he says I lose it every time he spends his money. (I really don’t)
What do you think? Do I just let him carry on since it’s his own money? Let him work it out for himself if anything is going on? He’s a vulnerable 15, not what you’d call streetwise as yet. He does have attachment issues and with all his friends he’ll jump from one to another. Also I’ve discovered if he’s out, they’ll buy his tickets for venues, trains, etc. He has his own money but explaining saving to him and careful spending is not easy x

It's a tough one really to call. From what you explain it could be that this girl is using him but on the other hand it could be that he thinks she is, or is his girlfriend and he wants to treat her to things. An alternative is these 'female items' are actually for him and this friend is someone he has confided in. Perhaps he doesn't want to tell you this for fear of your reaction? As for other friends buying his venue or train tickets maybe they take it in turns? I think you need to sit down and explain your concerns to your son and ensure he knows he can come talk to you or another adult if he needs to.

Hi yes I’ve had conversations with him about it, I even told him I don’t want him spending all his own money in on everybody else and to enjoy his money but try not to ‘accuse’ the person. He is gay, we’re already aware of that and know there’s always a possibility he could buy certain things for himself which is fine and I’ve told him that too that whatever he needs, wants that makes him feel good or comfortable is his own choice. We support him. For an example, the other day he got £30 for a day out, spent £14 on train tickets - it’s £7 for one. Went for lunch, usually about £6 - it came to £12, he then texts me to add another £5 on his card because he said she didn’t have enough for her lunch. He always tells me she spends hundreds when they’re out so I don’t think she’s short of money if that’s the case. He lessors telling me he doesn’t have enough whereas they spend all this money. I said save your money and you will have the same amount to spend.

If she’s spending hundreds when they’re out does she ever buy him anything? I’m wondering if there’s maybe an element of him either trying to keep up with her spending or buying her things in a sort of reciprocal effort?

I think it sounds like that.

No that's not right. U don't go around "treating" your friends when your a young teen who's just getting pocket money. It's not enough because it's needed for 2.

I'd sit him down for a talk. If he wants to share his money or treat her that's very kind of him. Ok for a one off or now and again but not every time he goes anywhere he's footing the bill. When he says she spends loads ask if he means in both of them. Does she buy the popcorn and drinks if they go to the cinema etc.

Thanks. I know it’s happened a lot because he’s had a go Henry which I can see where and how much he’s spent each time. He’s not long had an actual bank card which the Idea was to give a bit more control of his own money. He doesn’t see it as a problem

Once again yesterday they went round to the local shop. He asked for £10. I gave him if from his own money as he’d already got his spending for the week. I then get a text asking for another £5 as the friend’s card didn’t work... I Said - again?? Anyway I had the conversation with him last night again. He said he likes to give her something if she hasn’t got it. I said and that’s a nice thing to do but not all the time. How much is she getting? Apparently the same as him (she’s older than he is so I doubt that !)... I said you get your money and that’s your money to spend on you and she gets her money too. If her parents only give her a certain amount that’s not up to you to make up the rest. If you haven’t got it you haven’t got it and that’s that. I only have him the tenner from his own account but I said even then when you keep spending it or giving it to her it’s leaving you short for the things you want. I said I just want you to be careful and not leave yourself without your own money, her spending is not your problem and i feel it’s happening too often. - like every time they’re out! She’s not got money for food, she didn’t have enough for a ticket, she bought me xyz so I bought her ....

When he next goes out, before he's goes say to him have you got enough money, if he says yes - all good, if he wants more while he's out say sorry no, you need to stay within your budget, if he's say no ask him why, and what could he do to be within budget. Aslo if her card doesn't work she needs to contact to her parents, a few gentle no's are needed here. But it's hard