Is adoption right for us?

[Babybreakfastcereal]

Hi, this will be a long post...

My partner and I have recently discussed adopting. I have always wanted my own biological children and always wanted to Foster. My partner however has never wanted to Foster as states he is scared he wouldn't want to give them back... He was also anti adoption but more recently said he would rather help another child than have more of his own...

My partner and I have been together 5 years and whilst I am fit and healthy to have my own children, my partner had a vasectomy after his second child. He has two children, a girl aged 13 and boy aged 8. We tried to have the vasectomy reversed but this failed and the thought of having IVF/ICSI fills me with complete dread and fear as it could fail and I do not think I would be content in giving up until successful. This no doubt would put huge pressure on us both financially and emotionally and a part of me just doesn't even want to go down that route to avoid the whole situation.

My partners children do not live with us on a permanent basis, they visit us every other weekend, some nights for tea and 50/50 for summer holidays. My partner had a nasty court battle 3 years ago where the ex made up countless lies about my partner from domestic abuse, child abuse and much more. This was fully investigated and CAFCASS (the courts social workers) and the courts found that there was no evidence of such claims and as such my partner was granted access again. The ex partner had no evidence of any of her claims but remains stronghold on the position that she and the children were abused. FYI they weren't, just a bitter ex, my partner had his children almost daily after they separated with no issues until she found out I was on the scene. Ex partner has gone on to marry and have more children of her own so my partners children do have younger siblings anyway.

The youngest of my partners children does have SEN needs, no diagnosis at this stage as waiting on CAMHS. Oldest is fine, happy and wished she spent more time with us stating she will come to live with us when she is 16...

There are a number of things that I am scared and anxious about about adoption so any advice greatly appreciated.

1. What if we are lucky enough and we don't love the child?
2. What if they don't love us?
3. What if my partners children don't tolerate a new child?
4. We only have a 3 bed house so one of my partners children would need to share when here, is this even allowed?
5. What if a social worker approaches the ex partner and ex partner continues with her lies?
6. What if after a chat to the kids a social worker thinks it's not right for us, FYI the oldest is always telling us to adopt as understands our situation.
7. Would a social worker dig all the court stuff up again?
8. What if having a child ruins what my partner and I have?

Mainly, I dont want to start looking in to this if its just going to fail as again I would be heartbroken but I cant shake the feeling of a child to calling me Mom and my partner and I having our own child together and having our 'own' family.

Are these normal questions to have or from what I ask, are we not suited at all?

Thanks, x

These are all really normal questions though some of them are unanswerable and living with a lot of uncertainty is part and parcel of adopting.

Your first question, in the context of the rest of your post, jumps out at me. I think the most important thing is to ask yourself if, deep down, you could love a child who’s not biologically yours. I am wondering from the rest of your post whether there are in fact unresolved issues around that for you, considering you could have one biologically but are perhaps feeling a little forced into this situation because of your DP’s vasectomy?

With regards to the other DC, social workers would want to explore all that very carefully but it’s not a deal breaker.

On question 8, every single couple in any circumstances asks themselves that!

Good luck with your thinking, it’s a lot to work through.

You will need a room just for the adopted child- they can't share (unless with a birth sibling).

They will speak to your partner's ex. Be absolutely honest with yourself, because they won't want to place a child where there's any history of abuse, whether that's emotional etc. The ex will be given space to express her concerns.

Adoption is a leap of faith. You both have to want to do it.

There's no saying how it will turn out.

1. What if we are lucky enough and we don't love the child?

• It is something to explore, can you love a child who is not biologically yours? How do you feel about nieces/nephews/step children?

1. What if they don't love us?

• You can't know for certain, but risks can be mitigated against by what profile of child you choose.

1. What if my partners children don't tolerate a new child?

• This will be explored in the home-study - at their age they will need to be interviewed

1. We only have a 3 bed house so one of my partners children would need to share when here, is this even allowed?

• this could be an issue. Generally adopted children are expected to have their own bedrooms

1. What if a social worker approaches the ex partner and ex partner continues with her lies?

• they are used to vindictive exes. They'll have the reports from before and be able to talk to the children

1. What if after a chat to the kids a social worker thinks it's not right for us, FYI the oldest is always telling us to adopt as understands our situation.

• then you'll have to accept it, or work on the issues raised

1. Would a social worker dig all the court stuff up again?

• possibly, at least to some extent. you would need to be open about it and expect to share the papers and the decision I would think

1. What if having a child ruins what my partner and I have?

• you need to be honest in the homestudy as to what you can and can't cope with. there is no guarantee, but neither is there with birth children.

We adopted 14 years ago. First 8 years was all fine, last 6 years has been tough and DH and I have really needed a strong partnership to support each other.

Adopting isn't a one-time decision:

• go to info session, decide to continue
• go through homestudy, decide to continue to panel
• get offered a particular child, decide to find out more
• find out more, decide whether to go to panel

It is only at the point you meet the child that things are more serious to back out of, but in theory you can back out at any point during intros or before final adoption order, though of course you should expect to be 100% committed by then.

Good luck whatever you decide.

1. What if we are lucky enough and we don't love the child?

Love takes many forms, and grows over time. You might not be have that “rush” of love at first sight, you might not feel particularly affectionate for a while - adoption is a massive adjustment for all concerned. You will, if you offer care, empathy and acceptance, grow to love your child but the reality is it can take time.

1. What if they don't love us?

Again, that might take time, an adopted child is most likely to have been harmed by people in their life, which can make relationships feel very scary. You need to be prepared to be consistent and tenacious.

1. What if my partners children don't tolerate a new child?

It depends on what you mean, not like or actively harm. I strongly think children don’t get to decide on whether there will be more children in the family, but adoption is complex, their views will be explored through the process

1. We only have a 3 bed house so one of my partners children would need to share when here, is this even allowed?

Your lady bees children would need to share with each other, it wouldn’t be ok for all sakes for the adopted child to share.

1. What if a social worker approaches the ex partner and ex partner continues with her lies?

SW are very used to dealing with this.

1. What if after a chat to the kids a social worker thinks it's not right for us, FYI the oldest is always telling us to adopt as understands our situation.

The sw would explain why they think it’s not right based on what the kids say, and you have the right to reply to that. The best thing you can do is really expire their views beforehand so there are no surprises when they talk to sw

1. Would a social worker dig all the court stuff up again?

They will want to explore it in the context of your relationship both in terms of whether there was abuse and the impact the allegations had on you both. Expect to spend some time talking about it. The more reflective you are, the better

1. What if having a child ruins what my partner and I have?

That’s always a concern, and you both need to go into adoption with your eyes wide open the more together you are, the better a team you make the more able you’ll be to cope with the stresses.

My concern in reading your post is that it appears you and your partner want different things (to some extent). Have you accepted not having a biological child?

Can I ask roughly how old you and your partner see? And does your partner produce sperm or have seen stored for IVF? Or would you consider doner sperm? You do not need to answer me but just think about these issues.

I have a 16 year old birth child and 11 year old adopted child.

I do think you and your partner need to be on same page.

You need bedroom for adopted child. Could you move house or extend? Especially if older step child will join you at 16?

Hi OP! I agree with @Italiangreyhound, you and your partner need an open, calm discussion about everything.
I would suggest to first get your thoughts in order, decide on which things are very important to you personally, maybe even get some counselling together, on trying to decide and work all these things out. Even answering your questions and preparing you on the family dynamics.
I wish you good luck!