fear v despair

[seasky]

hello all. wise words on this forum so reaching out. in 40’s happily married, fulfilling big job and unable to have children after IVF. have been talking to agencies who think we are strong candidates for adoption-and we think we are too in many personal and practical ways for a single child.
but -on the one hand I have absolute terror of making the worst mistake of my life by adopting a hypothetical child that everyone/thing i talk to/read tells me will be profoundly damaged. the idea of both destroying our lives and theirs by failing this hypothetical child is overwhelming. on the other hand i am struggling with absolute depression and emptiness that life is meaningless without having a child to support and protect and raise. i have been trying to find input that can give me any glimmer of hope about adoption but anything positive i find is completely negligible or from adoptive parents of babies that can still afford to be naive (not meant disrespectfully) and happy as the worst of trauma is not exhibiting yet. it is hard not to feel that adoption is loaded so negatively towards failure. i feel trapped between terror and absolute despair. i know this black and white thinking is itself very unhelpful and i am trying to snap out of it by getting as much real input as possible (thus this post!).
Being torn between these two competing perspectives is making me
extremely anxious and borderline ill.any advice or similar experiences very much appreciated. thanks for taking the time to read this.

The Adoption UK report came out yesterday and it’s quite sobering, especially with regards to the help that adoptive parents need for children as they get older.

I adopted a year ago and my little boy is 3. It’s been really hard but we have a strong relationship that will only get stronger and I put my faith in this. He’ll go through hard times but I trust our relationship.

Speak with adult adoptees (children adopted in the 80s have experienced similar to children being adopted now compared to the stereotypical children placed for adoption in the pre 50s/60s because of single mothers and stigma etc).

And finally, think about love. Like all relationships there’s good and bad but there’s also love.

my son is 17 in a few weeks time. We have been a family for 10 years.

We have had some tough times, we have been through therapy. But we have come out the other side and we are a fairly ordinary family cracking on with life. I work, my son got a decent clutch of GCSEs, is at college, has friends, a Saturday job. He is settled, stable, happy. I’ve no doubt we will face more issues as he moves into adulthood, he will need more support than the average young person, but he will get there.

There are many adoptive families like us. We have difficult times, we get help, we get through.

I’m not going to sugar coat things, adoption is a risk, it can be tough, sometimes very very tough. You need to be resiliant, tenacious, problem solvers, advocates for your children.

Above all dont forget, that it won’t be some hypothetical child, it will be your child, who you will grow to love and will fight for.

Hi @seasky I can really relate to what you've said. For context my DW and I (also a woman) are currently in stage 2.

Many years ago I read something about adoption, can't remember the specifics, bit it gave me the impression that adopting is literally like bringing a dragon into your home - I somehow felt that the child would be truly terrible to live with, would be certain to end up in prison, you get the picture.

Then a little while ago I met up with some friends who were fostering, and the children they were fostering were so lovely, I asked my friends and they were really happy, and I realised that my previous ideas were not accurate, and we (slowly) began to explore adoption.

At many times in the up until we began stage 2, I've been anxious about the difficult behaviour and stuff, so I completely understand where you're coming from. I was reading this forum obsessively and it was really worrying me.

The first thing that helped was reading Sally Donovan's Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting, I think it's called. I have seen some people here say they don't like that book as it's so negative, but I actually found that book gave me hope, as it was the first time I realised that there are things you can do which actually do help manage the behaviours, but by dealing with the actual causes, like the low self esteem, feelings of shame, things like that.

The other thing was realising that the person who is behaving in this way will be someone that you love (not at first but in the long run). I don't know if that makes sense? I don't think I'd exactly realised that I've love the little person, and it will be my job to support them as they grow up, and part of that will be managing difficulties.

Please also remember that people will be more likely to post when things are hard, because that's when they need support and advice.

Please let me know if any of this isn't clear. And I hope I havent offended anyone with what I've said about my perceptions initially. I'm aware my perceptions are wrong, but just trying to be honest about what my fears were.

It can be very hard to imagine life with any child, much less a child through adoption when your path to parenthood hasn’t been straightforward. We adopted a sibling pair aged 4 and 6 at the time, so older in terms of adoption.

I’m not going to pretend there aren’t challenges, my kids had a hard start in life and that shows in all kinds of ways, and I’d be lying if there weren’t times I wondered what the hell I was thinking. But, they are fabulous kids, they’re bright, funny, affectionate, kind little people and I’m privileged to be their mum. They haven’t remotely destroyed my life, they’ve enriched it in every way.

They carry the impact of trauma, and my older child particularly needs a good deal of support for quite complex additional support needs - in saying that, she’s coping well in mainstream school, has some lovely friendships and is learning and growing every day. We are 4 years in, while it’s tricky at times, it’s also fabulous. I have a wide group of friends who have adopted at various stages - they are all just living family life with no huge dramas or issues. I’d say the same for us - support where it’s needed but mostly we’re busy being a family.

Do you have specific concerns (eg about particular behaviours or issues) or are you feeling a general sense of overwhelm?

I have adopted three children - all separately. My eldest is 11 and been with us since he was 3. For us, adoption has been a blessing. My son is by far the one who has had the most struggles - my other two (7 & 4) we adopted as babies and it really has been plain sailing with them. Despite his issues (completely text book adoption case - attachment issues, food issues, regression, difficulties at school etc), we have never regretted adopting. We both work full time, all our children are in main stream schools, we do all the normal things families do.

Our is a very positive adoption story and although, like I say, my so has been hard work, he has also been absolutely worth it. We adore our children and wouldn’t change a thing.

Please keeping mind you will often read the worse cases as people tend to reach out to forums such as this when they are struggling or in times of needs. When it is good people don't tend to reach out and write about it so you are only seeing a proportion of what goes on. We our son was 3months old when he came to us and is now 4. He has speech delay but other than that is a great little boy. We have not had any issues with attachment, food, sleep or anything else. He goes to nursery and loves it and starts mainstream school next term.

i cannot thank you all enough (both those on this thread and those who privately messaged me) for your kindness in replying and your empathy and understanding. I am reading and rereading your thoughts and advice and will definitely follow up everything you all mention/suggest.

The irony is that i know that having a birth child is equally a leap of faith but is very easily sugarcoated by society and by the relatively little honest discussion of how all biological parenting can be extremely challenging too.

in answer to your question Jellycatspajamas- i think the idea of not being able to make a decent life for a traumatised child and in the process losing everything that has kept me sane through infertility and quite a tough upbringing completely overwhelms me. I try to balance this feeling by remembering that i have been through difficult times in my life and although it has been tough have got through - and maybe this resilience and my emotional oversensitivity might be strengths in their own way in terms of helping a child.

But as you all have said it is totally different to be in a relationship with an actual child as opposed to an imaginary dragon as you so effectively put it ScottishBeth.
Thank you so much for hearing me out. I’ve felt ashamed of feeling like
this and to know that you have listened and responded and understand in various ways what I am struggling with has helped me a whole lot. your descriptions of your children and families have moved me in a really beautiful way and given me a moment of hope that I have been finding so hard to hold on to for some time. thanks so much.

@seasky

you should never be ashamed of your feelings.
We all started out with worries and fears, its natural, adoption is a big thing, having a child is a big thing. They will turn your life upside down - of course its flipping scary.
But you research , ask the questions, put your fears out there, its ok, because we have all been there.

i think the idea of not being able to make a decent life for a traumatised child and in the process losing everything that has kept me sane through infertility and quite a tough upbringing completely overwhelms me.

I can really understand that, on both counts. Adoption for me also meant a significant change in career, which has been wholly positive but also brought up feelings of loosing myself because as a childless woman my career had particular meaning for me which I didn’t fully appreciate until it changed.

The potential to lose yourself is there however you come to parenthood but there are challenges unique to adoption in that you don’t have the adjustments that come with pregnancy, where you experience the child growing and that relationship with the child in the womb. You literally go from being childless to having someone to care for 24/7 with no prior relationship with them. You start making adjustments in anticipation of having an unknown child placed with you which can feel very abstract for a long time, and then suddenly it’s very concrete.

Your supports and coping strategies change, you don’t have the same time or freedom that you had before and your stressors are all very different. It’s a huge adjustment but if you’ve coped with everything that’s gone before, you have the skills to change and flex, and to learn new ways of managing - you find new parts of yourself, new capacities. It may feel overwhelming at times, I know it has for me but every single change and adjustment has been for the good. I’m more accepting of my own limitations, softer with myself, more empathic with myself and others, more reflective.

As well as imaging yourself parenting an imaginary child, your picturing yourself parenting them as you are now - because you don’t know how becoming a parent will change you.

thank you so much Ted27 and Jellycat.

I remember having a lot of concerns and doubts about whether my relatively stable, happy, contented life was going to be turned upside down and inside out by adoption. I also remember conversations with family and friends who were equally concerned about the impact of adoption on us as a couple with a kind of "is it worth putting yourself through this?" questioning.

We're 3 years in to adopting and it has been the best 3 years of my life. Yes, it's completely turned out world upside down but all for the better. Yes, there are challenges and there will be more as time goes on but we will face them as a family.

Another poster mentioned love and how it's hard to factor that in when you think about a hypothetical child. Before adopting, I remember thinking I'd be able to care for a child well but I felt very anxious about whether I'd love them! It can take longer, but in my case, I was bowled over with love for my child in a few days of meeting them and that love has just grown and grown.

Every adoption journey is different but just wanted to share a snippet of mine which is positive and to say I remember having a number of the fears you have mentioned.

he irony is that i know that having a birth child is equally a leap of faith but is very easily sugarcoated by society and by the relatively little honest discussion of how all biological parenting can be extremely challenging too.

I think this is absolutely true. Disclaimer: I only have a birth child but being an anxious person was convinced through the whole pregnancy that everything would go wrong etc. And everytime I tried to talk about this all I got was "don't be silly, these things won't happen, it will all be wonderful." And for sure when anyone announces a pregnancy they don't expect to get "what happens if it turns out to be a drug addict/a serial killer? What if it ruins your life?"

hI HPFA
thank you so much for posting.
i am sure i would have been exactly the same as you as a biological parent. I think the issues around being an anxious parent of any kind are often dismissed by nearest and dearest and that is really unhelpful. but of course it would be more crazy NOT to have those thoughts about something so life altering. the fact women are so often told a variation of 'don't worry your pretty little head about it' is another thing in society that has to change. I look at my most anxious friends who have biological children and they are the best parents i know. they are bringing up their kids mindfully and thoughtfully and i can see that the skills they use to channel their own anxiousness into positivity they will pass on to their children when/if they need them. so i hope i can do the same if my adoption process works out.

jacketpandbeans

thank you so much for your post. what you describe is what i so hope for myself and my husband - it's so lovely to see that it has happened for you. i really appreciate your kindness in helping me along with all the other posters.

A friend's daughter (by birth) was born with a random genetic condition resulting in mental and physical disabilities. She will never be able to live independently

My daughters (by adoption) have tested me at times, but are growing into healthy adults capable of having an independent life, with positive relationships and earning a living.

Becoming a parent is a leap in the dark, however you become a parent...

May be it be wise too seek advice from your LA, look at different aspects of looking after children Adoption, fostering too adoption, short term respite care. , list is long may be will address your concerns or set you on pathways you may not have considered.

Best of luck.