Hellish first night

[AbsolutelyDoneInNow]

It's our first night together after introductions and our poor baby hasn't really slept. I feel like just sobbing and am wondering what the heck have we done?!

Our poor LO is ill (the bloody timing of this!). He has happily slept in his cot for nap times so not sure if this is purely that he is ill or whether it's also the move.

The whole night we have taken it in turns to hold him in our arms, it's the only time he stops fussing. He allows us to comfort him, which I know is positive, he has even drifted to sleep in our arms a few times.

I've rocked, sung, patted all night long and I'm absolutely bloody shattered after what felt like the longest week of introductions. He responds better to me than DH.

I've got no idea what to do about routine tomorrow! I mean it's 3:50am and he has probably slept lightly in our arms for about 4 hours I reckon. He had a bottle because I was trying to rule out other sources of discomfort. He is used to sleeping 12hours a night!!!!

I can now hear him wailing with DH. The night hours are so long aren't they.

Sending big hugs, I haven't adopted so no specific experience, but it'll be strange for him but he'll quickly realise he's got stable loving parents and settle better. How old is he? Many congratulations, things will get better but nights are a killer - get some sleep whilst your DH does his shift

It"s normal xx
Not easy but typical for babies xx

It all sounds "normal" especially when a baby is poorly, lots of cuddles and cups of tea will get you through this and in a day or two you will soon have your new routine settled.

And yes, the nights seem very long at these times!

It is very normal when adopting. I adopted three times. Child is too young to explain the situation. All they know is that EVERYTHING is different - voices, people, sounds, smells. Even the air temperature will be different. It will take them time to adjust - not hours, days or maybe weeks.
My advice: You nap when they sleep. Don't worry about house cleaning or laundry or anything else right now. Just hold them, feed them, cuddle them and start bonding. Everything else will wait.

To non-adopters trying to be helpful - it’s really not helpful to tell adoptive parents that what their baby is doing is normal and they’ll settle in a day or so.

Hang in there new parents. Don’t worry about routine. It won’t be gone forever. He’s accepting comfort from you both and that’s brilliant! Don’t know how old your beautiful baby is, but the bond between you is brand new, and it’s not unusual for that to mean your baby behaves more similarly to a newborn than to the settled older baby routine.

They’ve just been through a massive massive change and they don’t know how to begin to process that. But they know you are with them and they will learn to take comfort from that. It’s fine to give extra milk, lots of milky comforting cuddles, and whatever else works.

Is your SW checking in tomorrow? Hopefully they’ll be helpful.

Illness during intros is quite common too - it’s so stressful for everyone that the immune system takes a knock.

You’ll get your routine back - or you’ll build your own one as your own family - but in the meantime just keep going. Sleep if you can when your baby finally does. Let them take longer naps this morning and early afternoon if they will.

You’ve got this. It will be ok.

His temperature finally broke at 5am and he allowed me to put him in his cot for an hour. He went to sleep I think (so did I!). He has woken up very tearful.

He is 1. We have adopted before and didn't have this behaviour at bedtime, though obviously had been waiting for it to happen. I know why he is upset, I just feel at a loss to how to help and I'm shattered.

It is absolutely like having a newborn. Will text SW today but nothing she or anyone can do. Just have to get on with it. DH going to look after him so I can sleep later. Sounds like he is up for the day now. PJ day for us.

Settling in for a hellish night number two. LO screaming and won't let us comfort him now. My ears are ringing. I've resorted to sitting beside his cot holding his hand as he doesn't want to be in my arms. He is absolutely furious at his new situation.

I KNOW it's early days but I feel like he will never want to be part of our family. Yes, that's the tears and tiredness talking!

Anyone else have a really tough start? Can anybody distract me with positive stories?

Really tough. Crying for nights on end, just didn't know what to do. My presence was an insult, because I was the Wrong Mummy, and yet couldn't bear to be alone.

It will pass. It will. Be there, take each minute by minute. Listen to something on your phone while you sit, and sush, and sing, and rock. Keep going. Will he sleep in your bed? It's so hard.

So tough for you all.

Do you have anything which smells like his foster carers?

Horribly horribly hard. Hope he’s calmer now and you do get some rest.

My child’s foster carers had called themselves Mummy and Daddy. I hated that at the time, but actually it did mean that when we were going through those awful early days I could just say over and overcome”Mummy loves you.” Reminded me and made it true for me. And comforted my child too even though I meant me and my child meant foster mummy.

I am in my 40s and am adopted. My dear dad tells me that I spent the first night crying non stop gasping for air - i was grieving - and he spent the whole night walking up and down with me. He did not sleep a wink.

I love him to bits (mum passed assay several years ago) and your child will love you just the same.

Hang on in there.

This is so tough for you all.

Speaking as the voice of (bitter!) experience do whatever you can to get through. My DD had / has massive issues with sleep. I tried every bit of advice given and sometimes it worked (for a bit) and a sometimes it didn’t. I felt like a failure and a rubbish mum. (One particular ‘highlight’ was toddler DD shouting for 5 hours each night on 5 consecutive nights)

BUT

It does eventually get better. Promise.

DD (now nearly 12) can sleep in her own room and only needs me to stay with her for about 20 mins til she falls asleep. At its worst, she was sleeping in a bed next to mine, waking up in the night, not able to go off to sleep, angry outbursts etc the whole bedtime ‘routine’ such as it was taking anywhere from 1-3 hours. It’s exhausting. But it will get better.

In these very early days nap when LO naps, try and take it in turns with your partner so you get a bit of a break, sod the housework, the cooking, washing etc. Get friends to drop off meals or takeaways.

Hang in there x

It’s so hard, if you can alternate night waking with your DP, so one of you gets a proper sleep while the other is up and vice versa. I remember my DH and I both trying to soothe scares children but in reality it meant neither of us had a sleep so the next day was hellish for us both.

Once we started tag teaming (four hours on, four hours off), it go easier because one of us had slept and the other wasn’t far from sleeping.

I’d echo what others are saying - don’t even think about routines or feeding etc, literally do what you need to get to the end of the day, is there anyone that can help with practical things? Getting shopping in, taking a load of laundry, dropping off a meal. It does get better but the early days can be so very hard.

Thinking of you. (Sometimes they keep you up even years in, but nothing like the trauma of the early days.) Hope you're all fast asleep.

Morning, hope you're night went better. Just an idea but could you put his cot in your room or you in his room on a mattress?just so he knows comfort is there.

Hope you've had better night's sleep by now. My cousin has adopted twice and she says the best thing she did when they wouldn't settle after coming home was to bring them in bed with her. Apparently this isn't recommended by social workers (not sure why) but it makes sense to me.

Hello all, thank you for the messages of support!

Last night, I can't believe I'm saying this, but he slept through!

He screamed at nap time this morning so we didn't push it and I'm currently sat in the car while he naps!

I feel totally overwhelmed now. I suffered post adoption depression with our first and I was a terrible terrible mother. I don't feel I'm as bad but those feelings of panic and anxiety keep rising up and biting me on the arse. I'm much better generally this time but I can feel that nagging voice telling me I'm a shit mother again. Luckily DH is amazing and is taking pressure of me...but then I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Sigh. So LO is doing better and that is a massive positive for him!

You are not a shit mother. Poor little one is transitioning to knowing you as his care giver and person of safety along with being unwell. I do not have any adopted children and have had runs of nights like this with all of my children and also questioned my parenting skills and sanity. Hang in there.

You're not shit. Having also suffered from PAD myself, I can see how easy it is to think that and don't mean to belittle you. You've shown on this board already you're not shit... You've come on to get advice on how to help your child. You're thinking about your own mental health and watching your triggers. You're sat in a car waiting for them to wake up! That's incredibly boring and putting their needs before yours.

You're doing great. Early days are hard work. He doesn't know you yet. He doesn't know you're safe, he doesn't know why he's there. All he knows is his safe person has disappeared.

It will come. You will be his safe person and he will adore you as much as you do him.

Sleeping is hard even for Adults.

My fav piratical tip is to buy a Rockit, it attached to a buggy and vibrates it. (I recommend this enough I should get commission :-) )

This really helped us when our LO was 14 months old. Without it we would have had a lot more sleepless nights.

In the end no matter what they will find a rhythm with you and you get to start enjoying the fun moments a lot more. From what you say your loving and caring and putting the LO's needs ahead of yours so they are already in a great place.

Sending the hugest hugs. You are so strong adopting. So, so strong and beautiful. I have a 3 year old biological son and his sleep was atrocious for 2 years... cried whenever he woke from sleeping. We have always done attachment parenting so he's been with us but it has been a journey. Honestly this may be the crapppest most obvious advice but if you haven't already thought of it, speak to him of his grief, of all the emotions he'll be going through and sympathise with him. It's so hard and you must feel so very sad, I am here and will always be here with you. I am okay and you will be okay. Or whatever words you're feeling. At around 5 months I took my son off falling asleep on the boob as his gas was causing him to wake in agony (not getting into whether this was right... prob wasn't but that s a whole other thing!) And he was raging angry, but he heard the sympathy in my voice and I watched incredulous as he very quickly became quiet and thoughtful. Obviously a drop in the ocean of the experience your baby is going through but it certainly was a big deal for my son and it was the defining point in our relationship and how I've parented since. if he is ever is upset by something I let him know I see he's upset and share my sympathy and he gets over it in 30 seconds. Of course you both are on a long challenging journey but you'll get there and he will adore you xx

I've not adopted so feel a bit like I'm trespassing on here but I just wanted to say that I've read your thread and it's so touching, you sound like a fabulous Mum and just the perfect Mum for him

I thought I would update the thread. Thank you to all who posted! LO settling in so nicely now. Still wakes up in the night for an hour or two but tends to babble happily rather than crying. Napping has been solved too. He is so happy, laughing and giggling a lot now. Love him to bits

This thread made me well up. I’m so happy things are going well, OP. What a lucky little one you have.

@AbsolutelyDoneInNow

lovely to hear, well done