adoption disruption

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

My cousin adopted a little girl at 6 years old and it has been challenging. She has trauma and learning challenges and started displaying sexually precocious behaviour.

Social services are removing her. I want to support my cousin, and her daughter, but I can't find on google whether my cousin will be able to visit her at the care home. My cousin and her husband are absolutely devastated, this is not their choice.

Does anyone know if they will be allowed to visit her? Obviously, I don't want to ask my cousin, she's so upset, I'm worried I'll make a horrible situation even worse by asking a crass question and google has been no help as the stories are about situations where parents are in agreement that things have broken down.

There's a difference between adoption disruption, and "parenting at a distance". Does your cousin have the SF
Adoption order? Are they legally the parents?

I think the adoption order was delayed because of some concerns about her behaviour that school flagged up.

I'll have a google of "parenting at a distance".

She needs a lot of help, she's a lovely kid, but has had a shitty hand dealt to her by life. I don't, if I'm honest, think that my cousin and her husband have the skills to provide all of the help she is going to need.

It is so sad, she is so loved and they all want it to work, but, it clearly isn't.

I don't have all the details, obviously it's not appropriate for me to know them all and I am very careful not to ask.

I'm hopeful she'd be able to see her and take her out for family events etc.

If it's before the adoption order, I suspect social services will just remove the children, and your cousin will have no rights.

Depending on the situation, it may be compassionate to your cousin to support through the loss. "But they can't do that!" "You should fight it!" Isn't always helpful. Sometimes, social services can do that, and do do that, and no, you can't fight it and stay sane. Although you may also grieve the loss of this little girl to your family, remember your cousin can't contain that loss as well as everything else, so (not that you would!) please don't put your sadness, or sense of injustice, or whatever on to her. If you don't know the full story, then you know what you need to. Let your cousin know you support her, and be there for what she needs

I'm sorry for your cousin's loss, and for this little girl.

Sadly if this is occurring before the adoption order was granted any contact will be at the discretion of SS and what they feel is best for the little girl. Your cousin will not have any right to demand visits etc.
I'm sorry this sounds like a very sad situation.

Thank you both. I feel much more able to have a conversation with my cousin about this face to face - I don't want to make a shitty situation worse by asking clumsy questions.

I'm hoping that they will be seen as stable and positive influences for her and will be allowed contact. I do agree, fighting for rights that don't exist is a waste of energy and these decisions are not made lightly.

They really have tried very hard to make a lovely home for this child, and to provide what she needs. It is so dreadfully sad that they are just not able to give her what she needs. I don't know how you would ever get over such a thing.

Sometimes, no matter how amazing the family are, some children cannot settle in an adoptive family. I am a retired SW. I was the SW for a girl who had been adopted but she was so badly damaged by her early childhood that her new family could not manage her despite doing everything they could. She eventually ended up in a small residential unit as she could not cope with a family setting. She did very well there. Often it is nothing to do with the adoptive family and everything to do with the early childhood experiences of the child. Please support your cousin to see it is not her fault but that the child is just too damaged by the trauma in her past.

Thank you, Apollo, you are very wise. I think the situation is likely similar.

I hope she has the same out come as the girl you worked with. I'm so upset about it. She is a very lovable child, but, sometimes love isn't enough.

Thank you for looking out for these kids in your career. I have grown a huge respect for children's SW and I do trust they have her best interests in heart.

Thank you @vivariumvivariumsvivaria Not many people thank social workers so it is very much appreciated! I did they very best for all the children I worked with. It was very stressful at times but also very rewarding.

@ApolloandDaphne I am an adoptee, I was adopted by a CP SW in fact, and I have no doubt that you did your very best for the dc you worked with and I am sure there is much you should be thanked for, but I don't think you are right when you say some children just can't be helped and need to be in a residential home - I think that that is a out of date approach - and I am only passing comment here because I think it is extremely important to get that message out there. There is more expertise out there now compared to a five or so years ago.
Having said this, looking after a child who has suffered from trauma is extremely hard work and it is clear that many families find it hard to access the help they need.

OP I am sorry to hear about this, for your relatives, I hope that the right decisions are taken for the child, about having your relatives stay in her life as a stabilising influence, and that whatever happens I hope that your relatives will be okay too.

Thanks for the good thoughts, Sassy. I'm glad your adoption was positive. It is a wonderful thing.

Perhaps this will work out well for my cousin's daughter. I spoke to my cousin on the phone, just briefly as it was so emotional it was a whole mess of a conversation.

All she wants is to give her daughter a family and she says she has failed to do that. She recognises that SW is putting the child first.

No one prioritised this little girl in her early years, and here we are. She is agreeing to make things as easy for the child as possible because that's what loving parents do.

It is intersting that you read into my post that my adoption was positive, because I didn't say that, I didn't comment either way.

I think the problem in part is that proper assessments are not done for all children, and that there is not always enough expertise to make sure that either the adopters in each case are going to have sufficient skills or to ensure that they are going to be able to access the right professional help. It is difficult and it is complicated and though far more is known now about how to help children, the knowledge isn't always filtering down and the extent of professional input required isn't available, I don't think. This is my understanding of it, in any event. I think that here though, as a pp as said, it isn't going to help for you to make qualitative judgements here about what is "right" or where blame might lie, but just for you to provide support to your cousin as they ask for it.

Best wishes.

*interesting