Advice for a BME prospective adopter

[Courtflash]

I'm a black woman looking to adopt and I'm willing to adopt outside my own race, which I know is extremely rare for black people, and I wanted to hear people's thoughts on the matter. In fact, I was only able to find three examples of black people willing to do this, and all are in America. Do you think it would be odd or bad if I ended up adopting a Caucasian child? I use Caucasian as an example because I know there aren't that many BME children up for adoption other than black children, but adopting another ethnic minority is something I'm also open to. I know transracial adoption is mostly frowned upon because of the white saviour complex and people not trying to understand their children's needs as minorities, but it's something I'd really like to be normalised, because I love seeing mixed families. Do you have any advice for me if I end up adopting a child who looks differently from me? And just general advice for a single, prospective adopter would be great too.

I'm actually looking for communities for adopters to connect, but there isn't much out there for people who are in the early stages of the process. I live in London for reference. Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long post!

@sabzino Congratulations and thank you for your input!

@Courtflash

Right, I understand what you guys are saying, but I think you're taking this the wrong way. My point is that I don't mind my child's ethnicity and wanted insight because like I said, black people typically only adopt black children. I don't want to adopt because I like mixed families. I want to adopt because I want a child to love and care for. And the reason I like mixed families is because they're willing to bring a child into their family regardless of what they look like, and I really admire that because you can easily see that their child is adopted and they don't care about that at all. That's all there is to it. I didn't say I don't want to adopt a child who looks like they could be my biological child. I know that matching is based on the child's needs and whether or not I could provide for those needs. I'm not going to adopt a child because of what they look like. I just wanted to know if there were any black people over here with the experience of transracial adoption.

If you’re approved and when you’re going through matching, what the child looks like is likely to be the last thing on your mind. So yes, you’re right that you’re not going to adopt a child because of what they look like. Plus a good social worker would never let that happen!

We’re all new at the start of the process and I know I was very naive about lots of things. But as an adopter I bristle a bit at “you can easily see their child is adopted and they don’t care about that at all”.

To be honest, I’d imagine most adopters don’t care what people looking at their families think of them. That is such a strange thing to write. Lots of adopters have been in painful fertility journeys and then the adoption process and the last thing on their mind is if people can easily see if their child is adopted or not!

Ethnicity is one aspect of identity. I believe that children should be matched as close as their parents as possible; I lost out on a match because I was a different religion to the birth mother and she had religious wishes for her birth child. I wasn’t happy about it - and I don’t believe a BM should have a say over religious upbringing of a child who is no longer theirs - but I understood it from the point of the matching matrix. Ethnicity is obviously different as it’s a visual element to identity, but saying you like seeing families who are mixed ethnicity is weird. I get what you’re saying - love is love, it doesn’t matter, etc - but adopters bring children into their families regardless of the rocky road ahead of them in terms of the child’s pain, trauma and attachment issues, FAS, etc more than because of the colour of their skin.

@mahrezzy What I meant by that was I think it takes a lot to be willing to adopt a child that at a glance looks nothing like you or your spouse. Not that they care what other people think. It's just easier to go about life when you're able to blend in and you don't have to deal with strangers staring or making remarks. I'm not saying that other adopters don't have any troubles at all. I don't have fertility issues, so I can't relate to those who've struggled to get pregnant. I have empathy for them, but I have no idea what their experiences are like. It's not that I don't care that some adopters have suffered from those issues, I just can't relate to them. The struggle of standing out when you don't want to, just by living your best life or loving someone who is different from you, that's something I can relate to, which is why the adopters with those sort of lives resonate with me so much. You might be able to walk around with people gawking and whispering about you without a care, but I personally think it's a pretty incredible thing to be able to do.

@courtflash You keep on thinking about this from the parent's point of view.

Adopted children are ripped from their birth families, loose everything all over again when they leave their foster carers and come to you most likely desperately wanting to belong. When my children were little, I once said "You will never move again. If we move house, it will be us all together, as a family." From then on my little one often said: "Say it again, Mummy, please say it again!".

The pain and the fear of loss are huge issues for many adoptees and loss of identity is a large aspect of that. The more you can offer your child in terms of a sense of belonging, the better for them - and ultimately you too. Obviously I am not saying transracial adoptions should never happen or that ethnicity overrules everything. But there need to be good reasons that are in the best interest of the child.

I dont think any adopter I've ever met, and I know a lot, breezes about without a care in the world about what other people think about them.

We do however develop very thick skins. On one level I don't care, so I can tough it out, but I care about the impact on my son who can't.

If you don't want to stand out, then don't adopt a child that couldn't feasibly be yours. Absolutely nothing marks us out as adopted family. He looks nothing like me, but I could still be his birth mum, who was also white.
As a black person you are most likely to be matched with a black child, or a mixed ethnicity child. Neitherof those will mean you are 'gawked' at. Adopt a white or Asian child and you will attract comments.

But you are still looking at this from your perspective, not a child's.
Transracial adoption is rare for good reasons and usually only happens in exceptional circumstaces.

My best advice to you at this point is to forget matching and concentrate on getting approved.
You asked for advice about being a single adopter, so in no particular order of priority

• do you have secure accommodation with a spare room, either rented or owned

• what is your adoption leave package like, can you take a year off
• what are your plans to return to work
• what happens if you cannot return to work full time
• what are your child care options
• how flexible is your workplace
• what is your support network like

As an adoptee I am not sure I agree with the empthasis of some of the posts here. I think that given where the OP is at, her posts are exploratory and absolutely fine.

I think some of the posts here are generalising too much about adoptees - for me personally I preferred to stand out as being an adopted child as it meant I got more and better support. I wouldn't have wanted to pretend to be not adopted. Then again, I didn't experience bullying or anything negative outside the family because I was adopted, and this will have influenced my feelings - I am aware that not all adoptees have the same experiences as I did. And this is the key thing - differences between adoptees - for example I personally don't know an adoptee (and I know a fair few) who behaved in the way yolande7 describes - I think her dc's experiences are very unique to them, just as mine would be to me.

On a different thread someone has highlighed that there can be significant cultural differences even within a "white UK" adoption - I would personally widen that to say that there are going to be significantcultural differences in most adoptions and I think that it is important for adoptees to be able to understand their biological cultural heritage and its social rules as well as their adoptive family cultural heritage and its social rules. And to achieve that I think that think personality and character and the ability to help a child recover from trauma etc is all going to be more important than appearance when it comes to a successful adoption match if there is conflict between the two things.

When I was going through the process, a good friend who is also a sw told be to make it as easy as possible for myself, by which she meant look for children who would fit within your family - whatever that might mean for you, be clear about the needs you are able to support and don’t be drawn in to making the path more difficult by taking children whose needs are beyond what you’ve identified as being manageable for you.

It takes a lot to parent any adopted child, and difficulties and challenges will find you regardless - the more aware of your own limits the better, the more you’re able to look at all of the complexities that come with any children you might be matched with the better.

What I meant by that was I think it takes a lot to be willing to adopt a child that at a glance looks nothing like you or your spouse.

I may be misreading you, but it sounds like you feel those parents are more admirable in a way because they have the extra challenge of visibility to deal with. I’d say adopters look at what they can cope with, for some the visibility might feel more manageable than parenting a child with complex trauma, or an identified disability. All adopters do an incredible thing, it’s not easy at all - but over time I’ve found the “don’t create challenge where it doesn’t need to be” to be excellent advice.

Similarly the advice to keep the future child front and centre in your decision making - I was making life changing decisions for and on behalf of children I hadn’t even met, so keeping those decisions as considered as possible with a view to their lived experience pre and post adoption was a real guiding principle. I might be prepared to live a visibly alternative life but I have no right to make that decision for children who don’t get to express a view on that and who have to live with the consequences.

@sassygromit

ethnicity is much more then appearance.

I understand your point about visibility as an adoptee and as a family we are not shy about it. Its also not about pretending you are not adopted. Its about private information. My friends who have had children via IVF don't tell other people either.

However, the choice is yours to be visible. If you a black or Asian child with a single white, or 2 white parents, then that element of choice is eroded.
I look nothing like my son, I could still be his birth mother though. Because his birth mum is white. No one looks twice at us, families like us are 10 a penny, here. We don't stand out. At primary school my son was very open about it, at secondary school he did not tell anyone for over a year. He had a choice.
There is also the issue of where a child sits within the family. An earlier poster described very well how her child fitted into her multi ethnicity family.
Most BME people can tell you about times when they have been the only person of colour at work, in a pub, at a function etc etc and how difficult, and sometimes intimidating, that can be.
Imagine a white child being brought up as the only white child in a black or Asian family. Or a black child being brought up in a wholly white family and environment. My goddaughter is half Indian, she grew up in Cornwall, she and her brother were the only non white children in their school, it hasnt been very difficult for them at times.

The chances are that the OP will end up with a black or mixed ethnicity child. That child could still be a different ethnicity to her ie if she is from the Caribbean and the child is of African descent. What they will share is the experience of being black in a white majority society,

Like it or not race and ethnicity matters

“You might be able to walk around with people gawking and whispering about you without a care, but I personally think it's a pretty incredible thing to be able to do.”

I really hope I’m misunderstanding, but are you suggesting that adopters are gawked at and whispered about? Or that adopted children are? Who, exactly?

And with this in mind, do you think you’re different because you look at parents of adopted children of a different ethnicity and think they’re admirable?

I’m a single adopter and I chose to adopt rather than to have a biological child. What my child looked like (and what he does look like) doesn’t come into it. As a single adopter my child could be green with antenna and I expect most people would assume I slept with Shrek. I very much doubt I’d be gawked at. As far as I know nobody has said anything - I don’t think anybody is that interested in me, my son or how our family came about.

Race and ethnicity are interesting and often contentious topics within adoption; the same for changing the name of the child. Everyone has an opinion and some feel strongly about it. I’ve already stated how I feel about it on a previous post but I do admit that when I was going through the process I told my social worker I was open to any ethnicity (which works for me as a single adopter in the sense that a mixed child, for example, could share similar cultural heritage). In the end I now have a white British son. I’m white British. I could have had a child from another ethnicity but, to be honest, being a single adopter is tough enough as it is without finding the space - emotional and practical - to explore a cultural background unknown to me. Please don’t assume that adopters who adopt from their own cultural mix skip off into the sunset without a care in the world and that it’s only families who have children of a different ethnicity experience issues (and by issues I mean ones internal to their family such as identity, etc - not people looking at them wondering if the kid is adopted or not!!).

Matching looks at everything: your ability to cope with all sorts of things. I know you know this from this thread. But going into the process saying you want a family that looks like a Benetton advert because you admire it isn’t putting the child’s needs first (and that child would likely benefit more from a parent with the same ethnic match as them so long as the parent fit all other matching criteria).

Adoption for adoptive parents is about meeting our needs to have a child to love. It’s selfish. It’s about wanting happiness. But our happiness comes with the painful loss for the birth family and the ongoing traumas for the child. It’s about what they need, not what you envision and adoption is hard enough on adoptees without the added mix of race in the mix.

Thank you for you post, @ted27, I feel as though you are "explaining" it all to me rather than sharing your views and I feel you didn't read what I wrote very carefully.

ethnicity is much more then appearance yes, thank you for that, but just to reassure you that I was aware, and I feel most people reading this will be aware. In fact in my post I extended the concept of the importance of being aware of cultural differences - I didn't minimise the importance of ethnicity - and in fact I have 2 quite different ethnicities in my bloodline so I can throw in a tad of personal experience too. I am pretty sure the OP will be aware of all this too.

Its also not about pretending you are not adopted I was sharing my thoughts and feelings on the matter and to me, as an adoptee, it would feel as though I would have been pretending. That is why I used that particular word.

Its about private information. My friends who have had children via IVF don't tell other people either. I don't think adoption is comparable at all but believe it or not I do understand the concept of privacy. Basically though everyone chooses what they want to keep private and everyone has differet views about it - I saw things differently to how you appear to think all adoptees feel - for me it was important that adoption was not private. Your or my point of view will not necessarily be the same as other points of view in adoption,.

If you a black or Asian child with a single white, or 2 white parents, then that element of choice is eroded I am the same colour as my adoptive parents and I still look completely different, incidentally. This does not denigrate from the points you are making about race, I am as aware of them as you are, and I feel quite sure the OP is too - I feel if you read my post again includin the end of the last sentence it might help you understand the points I was making.

For me it was visible whether I liked it or not though, as were the cultural differences in some ways - incidentally.

An earlier poster described very well how her child fitted into her multi ethnicity family yes I read that too...

Most BME people can tell you about times when they have been the only person of colour at work, in a pub, at a function etc etc and how difficult, and sometimes intimidating, that can be I am dumbfounded that you think this needs to be said here tbh. But in any event, I come from a very multicultural part of London and I was brought up surrounded by these issues. Not that I claim to have as good an umderstanding as others more affected. But I really do feel that the vast majority of peolple reading this will not need it explained to them by you.

Imagine a white child being brought up .... I am as aware of the issues as you are, ted27, and have watched and read first hand testimonies in fact...

The chances are that the OP will end up with a black or mixed ethnicity child [....] society I think you made that point upthread and I read it and understood it the first time in fact. I didn't suggest otherwise, if you could read my post again more carefully.

Like it or not race and ethnicity matters I did not say or suggest it does not matter....and in fact I said that all cultural differences matter further extending the concept but at the same time not minimising ant issues affecting specific groups.

Sorry about typos.

@mahrezzy
and I don’t believe a BM should have a say over religious upbringing of a child who is no longer theirs The SW might have expressed this badly to you, I am not sure. Religion is an important part of inherited culture and I would expect it to be a factor in matching, personally. But wider than this, I think your emphasis is wrong here - or at least, it feels wrong to me personally. A BM might have lost parental responsibility and also had the legal connection cut but she does still remain the biological parent, and as far as I am concerned it would be very valid to take on board a BM's views here, about religion, before the adoption takes place. But the only important poiint of view here is that of the child, as they grow. My adoptive parents were a different religion to one of my inherited religions (my bio parents came from different religions) and it was a problem for me.

I am just giving opinions here, I am not suggesting they are right by the way (I thought I had better clarify that before someone wants to try to explain it all to me again...)

@sassygromit
I'm a civil servant, I work with and alongside many highly educated, professional, intelligent and supposedly aware people. We currently have a major project going on around race. You would probably be surprised at how much needs spelling out to them.

ted I am still not sure that excuses the 'splaining! But I say that lightheartedly. I worked for many years in one of the large international firms, we had many ethnicities amongst our lawyers, I cannot remember a single person needing anything spelling anything out at work, but I have also done a six month secondment in a civil service environment, and things were handled very differently there, their HR dpmt functioned completely differently, so I can imagine.

[quote sassygromit]@mahrezzy
and I don’t believe a BM should have a say over religious upbringing of a child who is no longer theirs The SW might have expressed this badly to you, I am not sure. Religion is an important part of inherited culture and I would expect it to be a factor in matching, personally. But wider than this, I think your emphasis is wrong here - or at least, it feels wrong to me personally. A BM might have lost parental responsibility and also had the legal connection cut but she does still remain the biological parent, and as far as I am concerned it would be very valid to take on board a BM's views here, about religion, before the adoption takes place. But the only important poiint of view here is that of the child, as they grow. My adoptive parents were a different religion to one of my inherited religions (my bio parents came from different religions) and it was a problem for me.

I am just giving opinions here, I am not suggesting they are right by the way (I thought I had better clarify that before someone wants to try to explain it all to me again...)[/quote]
Thank you, that’s interesting.

In this instance the BM wanted her biological son to attend services every weekend. I wasn’t the same religion as her and also not particularly religious in terms of practicing. However I do believe that a child should be educated on religion and practice what resonates, if at all, and regardless of what they’re born into or raised as. Religion and faith is very personal as well as cultural; I wouldn’t feel right enforcing my faith on my son as he wasn’t born into it and hasn’t chosen it. I’d possibly feel differently if he was a biological child.

My son (not the same as above, as I didn’t match with him because of my views) celebrates festivities from all faiths with that in mind and knows what my religion is and that he is of a different one. (That said he’s just turned 3 so it’s a bit like saying you like Paw Patrol and I like Peppa Pig atm!)

I asked my son’s BM a lot of questions about her background but she didn’t know much as she’d been in care herself, which I found sad. I’ve pieced together what I can for my son and hopefully that will help him with his identity as he gets older. He’ll hopefully grow up knowing I’m a certain religion and he can be what he wants to be and I’ll support him.

(PS I hope you’re well x)

I want to add that his BM was amused when I asked about religion and wasn’t particularly fussed about how I raised him. Possibly another reason why I matched with him!

@sassygromit

to be honest, I didnt think I was explaining, just putting across my view.

Your point about your workplace is interesting. My office is very diverse, I waa astounded by some of the things I heard from the locations which were still predominantly white. Which is after all all a reflection of our wider society. If you live outside of London and the metropolitan areas, in predominantly white communities your experience of race and ethnicity is very different.
I would never have adopted my son if I lived in Cornwall.

Good luck Courtflash I think you will be very well sought after if you go through the process and being open about ethnicity will be a bonus.

Another trans-racial and trans-faith adopter here

My DDs were older children, and had been brought up as Christian, so I became a church goer (although C of E rather than their denomination, as that was culturally familiar to me so seemed a good compromise) until they were old enough to make the decision for themselves - which was accelerated by lockdown preventing anyone from attending. DD2 is now 14 and able to go on her own if she chooses.

Trans-racial - I echo what @Ted27 has said. I grew up in the South West and would not consider living there - luckily family are now in London so when we moved back to the UK that was where we ended up. We do stand out, genetics being what they are my DDs are very unlikely to be my biological daughters as both their first parents were black. DD1 is now in her 20s and finds peoples' reactions amusing, DD2 in her teens and finds them annoying.

Oh, and this is entertaining as well as interesting from someone trans-racially adopted in North Devon!
Twayna Mayne: Black Woman

@mahrezzy thank you and hope you are too!