Advice for a BME prospective adopter

[Courtflash]

I'm a black woman looking to adopt and I'm willing to adopt outside my own race, which I know is extremely rare for black people, and I wanted to hear people's thoughts on the matter. In fact, I was only able to find three examples of black people willing to do this, and all are in America. Do you think it would be odd or bad if I ended up adopting a Caucasian child? I use Caucasian as an example because I know there aren't that many BME children up for adoption other than black children, but adopting another ethnic minority is something I'm also open to. I know transracial adoption is mostly frowned upon because of the white saviour complex and people not trying to understand their children's needs as minorities, but it's something I'd really like to be normalised, because I love seeing mixed families. Do you have any advice for me if I end up adopting a child who looks differently from me? And just general advice for a single, prospective adopter would be great too.

I'm actually looking for communities for adopters to connect, but there isn't much out there for people who are in the early stages of the process. I live in London for reference. Thanks in advance, and sorry for the long post!

You don't sound like you are just willing to look outside your own race (fine) but would actively like this (a bit more suspicious).

You are in London, what makes you think you would be matched with a white child rather that one who is a better match racially?

I am mixed-race but have always liked in white areas and had white partners/husband etc. As a single adopter I was a bit surprised when the social workers started matching me with white children- but it was because my whole culture/support network etc was and has always been white and I definitely look mixed-race. All my mixed race siblings have children with white partners and their children look 100% white, so a white adopted child would racially fit in well in my family. (My Father is non-white , but non of my non-white family live in the Uk)

Sorry if it sounds that way. I'm just open to it. I have no idea who I'll be matched with and I just wanted advice in the event that it happens.

Nothing wrong with open minds for matching.

Bit at your "I love seeing mixed families" reason. It's not about what what love seeing, it's about what's best for that kid.

I am a white single adopter with a mixed race child.
I agree with @lockef
I'm not sure why you think you would have difficult adopting a child who shares your ethnicity, at least in part. SWs are usually crying out for BME adopters, BME children wait longest for families.
I did not set out to adopt a BME child, he was the only non white child I considered and he just happened to be mixed race.
My advice to you is the same as I would give to a white adopter. Your primary motivation at this point should be to want to adopt. Focus on getting approved rather than getting advice on the ethnicity of some hypothetical child.

It does sound like you are giving this a bit too much thought. Your future child is not there for you to make a point about how lovely mixed families are.

Right, I understand what you guys are saying, but I think you're taking this the wrong way. My point is that I don't mind my child's ethnicity and wanted insight because like I said, black people typically only adopt black children. I don't want to adopt because I like mixed families. I want to adopt because I want a child to love and care for. And the reason I like mixed families is because they're willing to bring a child into their family regardless of what they look like, and I really admire that because you can easily see that their child is adopted and they don't care about that at all. That's all there is to it. I didn't say I don't want to adopt a child who looks like they could be my biological child. I know that matching is based on the child's needs and whether or not I could provide for those needs. I'm not going to adopt a child because of what they look like. I just wanted to know if there were any black people over here with the experience of transracial adoption.

You not minding the ethnicity of your child is fine, but that doesn’t really matter as you have to focus on the needs of the child.

There are a huge shortage of BAME adopters in the UK, me and my husband recently approached an agency and we brought up race (he is white Swedish and I’m Pakistani) and in the scheme of things (and looking at it very simply) if all goes well it is more likely we would be matched with an Asian child rather than a white child if we were deemed suitable for both.

My son is adopted, but it is an in family adoption so we share ethnicity, that has huge advantages for both of us. I can inform him about various traditions from a place of true knowledge, where as if I wasn’t Asian it would be more “this is what some Asians do”, I am able to raise him in Urdu, I am part of the same community as him, so he is exposed to people of the same race.

Ethnicity is a huge part of identity, that is amplified for a lot of children in care.

I think I get what you're trying to say but I think that realistically once you are approved, SWs will bite your hand off to match you with a suitable child that is more similar to your own ethnicity and culture... BmE children often stay in care longer so if you are suitable in every other way, you'll have to work to convince them otherwise.. and it's at that point that it becomes more difficult to understand. They will have questions and possibly reservations about your reasonings but i imagine you'd be able to articulate it better to them than you can in a few paragraphs on here.

If I'm being honest though, I must admit if I were a social worker on this case, conversations like this MIGHT make me consider your suitability as an an adopter for a BmE child, if your preference/choices are based on the optics of having a white child rather than actually being a good match with a specific child. I would be concerned that there were underlying issues that make you think the way you are.

I don't think that all the lovely mixed families you are seeing are adopters or of they are, the parents will be a mix of ethnicities.
Adopted children do not generally want to stand out. Placing a white child with a black parent,or a black child with a white parent removes the child's privacy, their choice whom to tell and when that they are adopted.
When people look at us, they will make the assumption that he has a white parent and a black parent. That is correct, it's just that I'm not the white birth parent. Nobody would assume he was adopted.

A book you might be interested in is Raising Multiracial Children by Farzana Nayani. As for communities, if you have Instagram then I highly recommend you check out adoptionchatter. It is a really nice community and has a lot of interesting chats from adoptees, experienced adopters etc, which give a lot of insight into various topics. I've certainly found it enlightening.

You do sound like me, but the other way round, Im white and super happy for a child of a different ethnicity. It does seem annoying the ethnicity match thing and a real shame in the wider scheme of things. It does make sense as social workers want the best chance for each child and that is likely to mean not standing out, parent who understands/lives that culture etc. Everytime I have expressed interest on link maker on a child of a different ethnicity we have been immediately rejected as looking for a 'stronger racial match'. But Im not going to not express interest in a child just because of their colour!
There are some great podcasts on the race stuff round adoption from Al Coates, telling all kinds of perspectives from people have had been adopted and people who have adopted.
And theres great webinars from Adoption UK on this stuff too. its a huge issue and there are loads of different opinions.
But in the end they are just wanting best match and ethnicity is often the starting point.
Theres a movie, I cant remember if any good, 'He even has your eyes' where a back adopted mum adopts a tiny white baby. And theres the white mum in Instant Family who really really wants a black son!
I think the key is being actively open to any child no matter ethnicity and to be entirely child focused, you need to be careful to be child focused for the social worker and just be open to anything that means its the best thing possible for the child.

@scully29 but why are you 'super happy ' for a child of a different ethnicity

Well, why wouldnt I be super happy for a child of a different ethnicity? Do I mean, Id be happy with any child that is right for me no matter what their ethnicity. I just mean for me, the ethnicity isnt the key factor, its about whether I could meet their needs. And I see our family as a good family for meeting such needs, better so than other needs out there by far.

should be better than so many needs......

But OP, there are lots of transracial adopter voices on Adoption UK webinars and Al Coates podcasts. with hugely varying viewpoints. It is very much on doing it right I think, and ethnicity adds to the complexity.

I just mean for me, the ethnicity isnt the key factor, its about whether I could meet their needs.

One of their needs though may be privacy around their adoption. My two are very private about their adoption, no one outside of the teaching staff know they’re adopted, one or two parents know but my kids are clear that whether they want people to know is their choice. And they have that choice being the same ethnicity as DH and I and having colouring which fits with our wider family (purely a coincidence). By adopting interracial you remove that choice from them. It may not be the only consideration but it’s an important one.

and I really admire that because you can easily see that their child is adopted and they don't care about that at all.

You don’t know that they don’t care, and into teenage years they may care a lot. Adoption is about finding parents for children, not about finding children for parents. Social workers need to take a wide, long term view of any potential match, and ethnicity is a key consideration. Yes there are interracial adoptions but I’d have questions about someone setting out in the process with that intention in mind.

I know, its a hugely emotive subject, with mumsnet not really the place for it, but listening to a wide range of voices is helpful so I recommend those voices from Adoption UK and Al coates podcasts as they really do vary. It is completely about finding parents for children that is completely the key. Privacy is one thing, identity is the next and its all important, and it all needs to be done right, theres clearly a world of things on from ethnicity and identity is a world more than that and its all going to be on an individual case by case basis with childs needs first. I just would not want to ever be putting ethnicity, or colour, above other things. We all come from our experience and what we can offer a child, we all want the best ever for that child.

We are a transracial adoptive family. The thing is your not out there as an adoptive family once in a while, but every single day. In EVERY new environment people have questions, sometimes asked very loudly and rudely. When the kids are little, you answer those questions, but once they get older, they are confronted with them on their own. You really all have to be fairly extroverted and at peace with the fact that you are an adoptive family, otherwise it can get very difficult. It adds another layer to the adoption that is better avoided if you can. Your child is not a political project but a little person who has suffered a lot of trauma. They want to belong to you in every way and not have that questioned by strangers.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I just mean for me, the ethnicity isnt the key factor, its about whether I could meet their needs.

One of their needs though may be privacy around their adoption. My two are very private about their adoption, no one outside of the teaching staff know they’re adopted, one or two parents know but my kids are clear that whether they want people to know is their choice. And they have that choice being the same ethnicity as DH and I and having colouring which fits with our wider family (purely a coincidence). By adopting interracial you remove that choice from them. It may not be the only consideration but it’s an important one.

and I really admire that because you can easily see that their child is adopted and they don't care about that at all.

You don’t know that they don’t care, and into teenage years they may care a lot. Adoption is about finding parents for children, not about finding children for parents. Social workers need to take a wide, long term view of any potential match, and ethnicity is a key consideration. Yes there are interracial adoptions but I’d have questions about someone setting out in the process with that intention in mind.

I was referring to the adopters, not the adoptees.

It's about the adopters. It's all about the children.

*not

It's NOT about the adopters.

Scully, thank you for understanding that I was just trying to be prepared if it ever happened. And thanks so much for your recommendations, I really appreciate it. I'm not saying I want it to happen, rather that I wouldn't mind if it did, and if it did I wanted to get advice on it because there are plenty of resources for white people who transracially adopt, but I couldn't find anything for BME people who do the same because it's so uncommon. As I stated in the OP, I was merely using a white child as an example. But I don't think I'll try to explain anymore.

I understand this, but I don't really understand what you're trying to say to me? I was just correcting someone. I didn't say the adopters are more important.

@Kindee

A book you might be interested in is Raising Multiracial Children by Farzana Nayani. As for communities, if you have Instagram then I highly recommend you check out adoptionchatter. It is a really nice community and has a lot of interesting chats from adoptees, experienced adopters etc, which give a lot of insight into various topics. I've certainly found it enlightening.

Thank you for this! I'll definitely check them out, this is really helpful.

@Ted27

I don't think that all the lovely mixed families you are seeing are adopters or of they are, the parents will be a mix of ethnicities. Adopted children do not generally want to stand out. Placing a white child with a black parent,or a black child with a white parent removes the child's privacy, their choice whom to tell and when that they are adopted. When people look at us, they will make the assumption that he has a white parent and a black parent. That is correct, it's just that I'm not the white birth parent. Nobody would assume he was adopted.

The families I referred to were all initially foster parents. Their children were supposed to be with them temporarily, but they adopted them in the end.

@Courtflash I am a single black adopter recently approved and I have been approached about a child of mixed heritage. I had to think and still am thinking about whether I could provide them with a holistic understanding of their heritage on multiple levels. I do believe that is what some of the other people are raising with you that whilst the optics are cute the child will be dealing with a lot in terms of dual identity being an adopted child but also they would want their privacy and if they are another race than you it kinda robs them of this privacy.

However it is entirely a conversation between yourself and your social worker which will unpick this further with you.

All the best