Waiting for food frustration

[DodoBaggins]

This is possibly just a hungry toddler thing but I was hoping for some advice.

LO has been with since 10 months old and is now nearly 2. They have been going to nursery 3x days per week since January. They're very settled and enjoy going.

They are non verbal and also have GDD but the nursery is great and supports them well.

Nursery have raised with me that LO struggles to contain emotions at snack and lunch time. They put the plates out for the children in turns. LO gets frustrated when the food is cooking but it's not ready yet and also if they don't get their plate first. This frustration can show in a tantrum, crying and arm flailing. It's different enough from the other children that it's been raised but whether it's linked to adoption I just don't know.

LO went straight to FC from birth and was only just eating purees when they came to us so I'm not aware of any food trauma in the past.

At home they do the same but I have coping strategies to deal with it e.g. giving a bowl of dry cheerios to eat whilst waiting for toast, or a piece of cheese waiting for lunch. Dinner is also on the table before being placed in the high chair.

Has anyone else experienced this and could share possible drivers and coping strategies?

Thank you

You said you don't put LO in their highchair till dinner is out and that's OK so could you also if nursery would allow child to keep playing at snack and lunch time until their plate is out and then be sat down after? If could help a bit

Use your therapeutic parenting and ask nursery to brush up on PACE.
He doesn't understand why he feels like this so help him by being playful
'oh my gosh you must be so hungry, good job the food is here soon etc etc. "

Also agree about not doing anything to stimulate his anticipation like high chair etc..

I think it's not just food issues previously that can cause this- food is a proxy for so much. I wonder if LO sees food as a sign of care and meeting needs- LO can't wait, because in their early days, even in the womb, they were taught that their needs wouldn't be met, or met as expected. In terms of "naming the need", I would say "it's hard waiting for the food, I wonder if you're worrying your food won't come?" It sounds like nursery need to address this like you do. They may see it as indulging, or rewarding, to give LO food first etc, when actually it's just reassuring that they haven't been forgotten, and will have their needs met. LO can't learn that others also have needs, and to wait, until they're sure the basics will be met for them. Think younger- would nursery expect a crying baby to wait for milk?

Could getting your LO as important job in handing out the food help? That may or may not backfire.

But yes, treat this as an "adoption issue", I would, rather than a "selfishness" issue- treat with compassion, reassurance, PLACE/PACE, just as you are at home.

It's not about food/hunger per se, it's about trusting caregivers to meet your needs.

Hi, I adopted a 1 year old who did exactly the same thing before meal times when he first moved in with us. He would basically start crying and throwing a tantrum whenever he saw me cooking, because in the foster carers’ house if he cried he would get a snack (including sugary snacks such as cookies and cereal), especially right before meals. He stopped doing this after 2 weeks of moving in with us and he now plays and waits for meals to be ready just like his older sibling. He normally plays or walks around me whenever I’m cooking and he is normally happy and doesn’t show signs of frustration. He is also happy to wait in his high chair while we are setting the table. However, the strategy I followed is very different to yours. I basically ignored the behaviour and talked to him in a gentle voice while I was cooking, and didn’t give him any snacks when he did this. Providing that children are well fed and have a good eating routine throughout the day, learning how to wait for meals is a key skill that they need to learn and that obviously helps in settings like restaurants, nurseries, or when you eat out as a family. Another thing that I think makes a difference is eating together as a family at the same time. In our house we all have dinner at the same time together as a family and he has learned a lot by observing us while eating.

Could this be related to events that happened during the pregnancy? Although people assume that food related trauma doesn't occur in children removed at birth, this ignores what happened during gestation. It could also be a sensory overload response due to the noises and smells going on. Other things to consider are his GDD and that adopted children are often emotionally much younger than their chronological age. Finally they are not a securely attached child and have never had just one person meet their needs and if different nursery staff are giving them their meals on different days, they might not actually be sure that food will come.

I am an adoptee and have dc of my own.

The expert advice about toddlers is that they have small stomachs which fill up quickly and so grazing is both normal and good, and so in a nursery setting, hunger may well play a part.

It's different enough from the other children that it's been raised it is worth talking again with the nursery in more depth, finding out how unusual they find it, how they manage it and if they have suggestions, just getting a thorough understanding of what is happening there. The fact that they raised it may be that they wanted to know if there was anything they were missing, might even want to know how much your dc ate for breakfast normally, I don't know, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they have never seen it before or that they think it is developmentally unusual - again, I don't know. It is also worth posting in Chat not mentioning adoption to see how other parents and nursery staff have experienced and handled this sort of thing with 2 year olds, gathering more perspectives.

Is it all the time at home, or just when your dc is particularly hungry?

Re adoption, a child may have a heightened stress response, may have had difficult experiences with food or hunger you aren't aware of (even though you think it unlikey - at 10 months if they felt hungry they wouldn't have been able to communicate it) and PACE is always good for all dc, but analysing things doesn't stop there, plus I don't think it is helpful to just assume only adoption related issues or to apply a blanket "think younger" because (a) no adopted child is the same, not all will be affected in the same way and (b) the way you help a child with adoption issues is to think specifically about what is affecting the child, that child specifically, and think of specific strategies to help them recover. So it is good to think about it but also good to think wider and get wider advice and input, which you can then take on board as you think fit.

I'd also recommend reading the various posts on ahaparenting.com about eating and toddlers and what is developmentally normal for background info.

@DodoBaggins, I just wanted to - very gently - raise the possibility that this is a very normal toddler thing (for some children who are very focused on their food, regardless of their adoptive status). Seriously, no criticism here, but I have two very different adopted children with regards to food - one lives to eat and the other eats to live,

It’s great that your little one’s nursery is so attentive but - and I write this as an adoptive parent currently 13 years in with my eldest child - some things may not be adoption related; simply, some children expend more energy and are consequently hungrier than their peers.

Just to illustrate, my elder daughter would typically be the last kid at the party food table while her younger sibling would prefer to sacrifice eating for playing.

I’m not saying that your little one’s nursery is wrong, it’s just that sometimes people start to view your child solely through the prism of adoption and make value judgments based on this.

He's still a baby even if you don't factor in the communication delay etc. I wouldn't be too worried and I'd politely tell nursery to get over themselves a bit They could easily serve him quicker or distract him or something. This doesn't need to be a big issue especially at such a young age and I suspect it's quite a common issue