Behaviour worries in match..advice please

[PhantomMyOpera]

We've been approached with a possible match to a 4.5 year old little one.

We are almost sure we want to say yes but we also are a little concerned and wondered if anyone could give advice or reassurance based on their experience..

LO social worker and profile has stated that when they arrived in care they showed behaviours such as spitting, biting and hitting and swearing. This seemed to stop when contact went to virtual only during lockdowns and nursery/school stopped but these behaviours have returned now that these two things also have and seem to have gotten worse but seem to be happening constantly.

LO case is still going through court and we would only be getting them home close to their 5th birthday pending delays etc.

We currently believe that these negative behaviours seem to be linked to stress and change and that it is a good sign that they stopped during lockdown.....but we keep reading horror stories online about people who adopted older children whose behavioural problems went on and didn't not resolve.

If anybody with experience of this could give us their advice or experience we would be so grateful.

Behaviour is communication.

What is it that he is trying to communicate?

It could be that he is feeling emotionally and physically insecure.

I work with children and teens with severe behaviours and theh often stop/dramatically reduce once they have built a trusting relationship, have effective communication skills/tools and they have been supported to learn how to emotionally/physically regulate.

I’d definitely be asking for ongoing OT and S&LT therapy to support him with this. I wouldn’t accept NHS as they are simply overwhelmed - needs to be independent therapists with the capacity to regular 1:1 support

We currently believe that these negative behaviours seem to be linked to stress and change and that it is a good sign that they stopped during lockdown.....

It’s a tricky one, if the behaviours are related to stress and change then you’re likely to see a significant regression when he’s placed with you which may continue for some time. Placement for adoption is hugely frightening for little ones no matter how well the transition is planned and if he showed those behaviours going into care, I’d expect to see them again on placement.

Lockdown may have removed a lot of pressure in not needing to be at school etc but he will need to go to school so it’s worth finding out if the behaviours settled at all as he adjusted to the school environment, and how the foster carers helped him with his behaviour. The reality is this year has been very unsettling for children and the return to things opening up again might have been too much for him.

You would need to think carefully about your choice of school - looking for one with a good understanding of developmental trauma, attachment and with positive behaviour management processes. I’d suggest that won’t be the lovely Ofsted rated village school.

I’d also look at having professional support (SALT, some type of therapy) in place for him to start before transitions and continue through transition if at all possible. If hitting, spitting etc are how he reacts to stress and change it’s likely you’ll be dealing with those behaviours on and off for quite some time, you need to decide if you have the stamina for that.

My two were 4 and 6 when placed and while there have been challenges along the way, for the most part their behaviours have really settled down. We’re 4 years in though and there have been bumps along the way and things flare from time to time. I wouldn’t change it or them for the world.