Early permanence with birth child

[BlueyIsMyBae]

Hello, we have a birth child and are currently considering adoption. We've had an initial meeting with social worker that went well. We have agreed to wait 6 months or so for certain reasons, and we'll then be able to start the application process.

Due to our birth child's age we would be looking to adopt a young child, probably under 1. We are aware of early permanence and are considering it, however my only concern is the potential impact / confusion it might cause for our birth child, if for whatever reason a baby was placed with us but didn't lead to permanent adoption.

I just wanted to ask if anyone has been through EP with an existing birth child and how it all worked out, any words of wisdom etc. Thanks in advance.

We don't have any birth children but our family came together through EP. With your LO it needs to be a similar approach to the same clear message you will be giving to all your family and friends - that baby has joined your family to be deeply loved, nurtured and supported "for now" while baby's mum/dad gets some support of their own. If you do EP then you are a foster family so there should never be an assumption that baby is staying because they may not be. By making this clear from the get go to everyone around you, most importantly your LO, there is no "confusion" because you are never saying that baby will stay. Your role is to love and nurture. So LO is not a "big sister" or "big brother" but a "special buddy" (or whatever you choose). Should baby return to its family then, regardless of how you feel about it, your narrative to LO will focus on how special it is that baby has gone home to mum/dad and you will guide them through it in the same way that you would any significant loss.

@EG88 thanks so much for sharing!

I have birth children, and there is no way I'd do early permanence. The grief if the child returned shouldn't be theirs to carry. There dynamic would be very hard to manage- "I'm parenting this child who may or may not become your sibling." I know some FCs have birth children- I think that must be so difficult, but at least it's clear that the baby is staying because it's mum/dad's job to care for them, and they're not a sibling. I think it would be very difficult for a child to switch on/off developing a sibling bond, if it were uncertain.

I think early permanence is great for babies, because all the uncertainty falls on adults (as it should). But add non-adult birth children, and you're expecting them to carry the uncertainty too, and that's too much to ask. Especially on top of the big ask that being a sibling to an adopted child is already. (Mine adore each other, but having an adopted sibling can be challenging, in terms of prioritising their needs.)

I couldn't do it to my kids.

It is certainly what is best for your family and the child/children you have. Fortunately @BlueyIsMyBae you are the person best placed to make that choice
From our perspective it was not an insurmountable challenge and certainly not something we felt we were "doing" in a negative sense to our child. I would respectfully disagree with the previous post which suggested that you would be asking a child to "carry uncertainty." It is only uncertain if you present it as being so and as a thoughtful and emotionally intuative parent you would not do that.

For our family, it was about approaching it in an extremely tactful, child centred way full of age appropriate explanation. We did not use statements of uncertainty such as "I'm patenting this child who may or may not become your sibling." Instead we were clear, "Baby has a mum/dad and they are learning how to care for baby. Mummy and Daddy are helping baby's family." Depending on the age of your child this narrative can be supported extensively through play/stories/art whatevet suits their personality. At no time would you be asking your child to switch on or off a sibling bond because you are not naming the relationship as brother/sister yet.
If a decision is made that baby stay with your family then it is very possible to do a gentle, positive, child centred transition sharing this new chapter in baby's story and their move from being a special buddy to a sibling, "when you feel ready." For us the switch was instant but if it had not been we would have gently and tactfully walked through that all in LOs own time.
I'm not going to lie, the above reply of, "I couldn't do it to my kids," was a bit of a gut punch because that is how our family came together and to me, we are perfect ... noisy, busy, exausted and rushed off our feet ... but perfect. Wishing you well.

I couldn't do it with my child because she is adopted and already experienced several major losses in her short life. Equally for that reason we wouldn't consider doing any other kind of fostering (long term, short term, emergency, short breaks, etc). She does not have a secure attachment and therefore should the baby go on to be successfully reunited with their birth parents it would add to her ever present background anxiety that one day we too might disappear suddenly from her life permanently.

It can be successful and I know people who have adopted children under early permanence. Equally there is a poster on here who went on to support at least 2 children to return to the full time care of their birth parents under the scheme.

@EG88

I'm so sorry, I misread your post, I didn't realise you had done early permanence with a child already at home. I'm really glad it worked out for you. My impression from your post that you did EP without children already in the home, but I now realise you must have had an adopted child, and then did EP. I really am glad it worked out, and I'm sorry for being insensitive. I'm interested about how their bond developed as siblings though, when did it transition from "we're caring for this baby", to "this baby is going to be your sibling", and did that go ok? Presuming it did for you! I think our kids would have felt kept out of the loop.

I do feel that it could be even more destabilising for an adopted child to be the older child if the placed child went back to birth family- would it not seed the doubt that you could hand them back to birth family?

The thing is, EP is great when it works out- and for the baby hopefully either outcome counts as "works out". But for you, and existing children in the family, it could be a huge loss. Could you parent at your best through that loss? Because your kids will still need you, and if it's being presented as "this baby is just staying for a few months" then your grief could be difficult for them to understand.

I'm really sorry for my insensitivity.

@gordongrumpy Please don't worry. This forum is a place where (strong) opinions are shared respectfully. You rightly hold your opinion as do I and it's important that both are heard.

In response to your questions - we slowly transitioned to "sibling" chat around matching time. We used, "how would you feel if," and, "I wonder what it would be like if," to test the water. We were only ever met with great excitement to these tentative questions and so moved from that to some social stories around moving from foster care to forever family and how that doesn't always mean moving house. A big part of this chat was happening anyway as we supported LO in their understanding of their own story. They naturally played out the scenario with us and wanted to talk about it and have it reinforced. There was a particular fascination with babies in tummies. From there we moved to sharing the news and making a very big fuss of our LO in their new role. Honestly, the name may have changed from buddy to sibling but for us not alot else did. This could be down to a number of factors including LOs own story being a similar one, their age, their very secure attachment to us (we fostered them from birth and so there was never a 'fear' for them of going back to their birth family.) Your point is extremely valid surrounding this fear. It was ok for our family but as @ifchocolatewerecelery points out - it is not right for all.

To your last point - I completely agree with you that, when entering into EP, you need to believe to your core that "works out" for baby would be a return to their mum/dad. We came very, very close to this reality previously ourselves which leads to your final question of parenting through loss. This was something we reflected on considerably before returning to EP. Ultimately we decided that, like any loss that happens in a family we would pull on our considerably support network for emotional support, be open to and ready for counceling but that ultimately (and I absolutely get why many people struggle with this idea) if baby was returning home we would celebrate their parents achievement and the reunification of their family.

Thank you for the thought provoking questions and chance to reflect.

@EG88 thank you so much for sharing your story, your latest post made me feel quite emotional. I'm so glad it all worked out for you, it sounds like you have a lovely happy family. You've all given me a lot to think about and reflect on

@EG88 I am pleased it worked out for out for you, but if the baby had been returned to the birth parents, how can you be sure that your birth dc would not have felt that terribly hard? Where a child has been with you for many months, attachments will form, and it might be terribly hurtful and an awful wrench for birth children, whether you have prepared your dc for that or not. Possibly the transition from buddy to sibling would predictably be a lot easier than the transition from buddy to complete loss.

@BlueyIsMyBae I wish you luck making the right decisions for your family.