Adoption process advice on fertility and smoking matters

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Hello everyone, after 3 failed IVF cycles we're considering adoption. Really early stages, not even spoken to an agency, the reason why I post here first is to seek for advice on how to introduce myself and understanding how they work.

I understand I shouldn't do any IVF treatment during adoption process, however if I do it anyway without disclosing it, will they have a way to find this out? Or it will be mostly up to me?Im not saying that if I get pregnant I will stop adopting as this is something I always been keen to do.

Second factor, I've quit smoking since I started the treatment, over 3 years although sometimes when I have had time between failed cycles I fall in temptation and have a short period of smoking, do they run any medical check like breathalyser used from my go before refer me to fertility clinic?

Please don't be harsh with me, it is very hard to got through this path not being perfect.

Hug to everyone

You will have a medical report from your GP so I assume details of your fertility treatment will be there.
Its not just about having IVF during the process, most agencies will require at least 6 months break after your last fertility treatment. You need to have come to terms with not having birth children and be fully committed to adoption.

If you were to get pregnant during assessment, it would be stopped.

There are very few absolute no’s in adoption, smoking is one of them

No one is asking you to be perfect, but you do need to be honest. If you try and deceive social workers it won’t end well for you and may prevent you from adopting.

If you get pregnant they will stop the assessment process, because there are a lot of complexities in having adopted children placed close in age or timing with birth children. The process is about finding parents for children who will have their own history of trauma, and the children’s needs will be a priority.

As @Ted27 says, sw will want to see a good gap between you ending ivf and starting the adoption process, and will explore your process of coming to terms with not having birth children. I’d expect your medical to show if you were still pursuing ivf.

SW won’t do tests to check about smoking but will ask you, lying about it could put the whole process at risk. In saying that smoking is one of the few non-negotiables in adopting so it’s worth addressing that before you start the process.

All agencies are different, but our sw told us that if we’d applied to adopt 2/3 years ago we wouldn’t have been considered, because it was too close to our failed ivf treatment. We are now 5 years post-ivf. Our last treatment was in 2016, so they really do want you to have completely left the ivf behind and come to terms with your inability to have a biological child.
The fertility clinic update your gp with details of your treatment, and the gp has to provide a medical, so you would not be able to keep it a secret.
I read of one instance on mumsnet where the adoption assessment required the potential adopters to destroy their remaining frozen embryos, as keeping them indicated that they were still hoping for a birth child.
You will need to completely give up on the idea of biological children before embarking on adoption, so it might be that you need to take a year or two to process that before getting started.
I’m so sorry that your ivf wasn’t successful. It’s hard.

Hi as others have said you need to have completely given up on Pursuing fertility treatment before you begin, and yes it would show on your medical records. Most agencies will require a gap of at least 6 months between the end of fertility treatment and starting adoption. They will also need to be sure that you have moved past your grief at not having birth children.
Smoking I'm afraid is an absolute no, one of the very few in adoption.
The process is necessarily about finding parents for children, not children for parents. Any attempt to hide smoking or anything else will not go well, the process is thorough and intrusive.
I'm sorry to hear IVF hasn't worked for you, and I wish you all the best.

Hi All,
thank you for all the comments, i appreciate you taking time to reply to me, i have spoken with the local adoption in my area and told them about my treatment, i've told them the truth about ivf that i had the last treatment 2 months ago, told her i was aware they might request to wait more and she told me that it use to be mandatory a wait of at least 6 months but now it's no more like this so if we feel ready and want to start the process now, then the ivf failed only 2 months ago wouldn't stop us.

in regards the smoking, i don't smoke, i quit since i started ivf i just had occasional smoking where i felt very bad after failed treatment but im not a regular smoker, i just didn;t wasnt to disclose it as it isn't an habit anymore and i don;t want to be not fit to adopt cause i couldn't resist some times.

@Mama1980 can i ask you what you meant when you said the process is thorough and intrusive? just to undersatnd what to expect.

thank you for your reply

Our experience echoes what your LA told you - it isn't about the time that has past since your last IVF but more about the steps you have taken to process and accept the closing of the IVF chapter and the starting of a new one focused completely on adoption. That time period can vary for everyone but the LA will look for you to be able to explain the steps you have taken to make that transition happen. Like others I'd encourage you to take time to grieve the end of your IVF journey so that when you begin the adoption process it is with excitement and hope for your future family. Wishing you well.

I'd suggest some counselling with a counsellor who understands infertility first and look at processing that loss and grief 💐

Adoption needs to be approached differently to IVF where the focus is on creating a child for you, adoption is about finding a family for a child who needs one.
The link below gives some suggestions, you don't necessarily need to stick to your geographical area as lots of them do online sessions. Some of them may also have experience of the adoption process so that may help narrow down a therapist who could really help you and your partner explore if you are ready.
Other adopters here have outlined why it wouldn't be possible to continue an adoption assessment if you became pregnant. I remember one adopter on here being really worried as she was unexpectedly pregnant and already had her child home but was awaiting the adoption order, I can't remember all the details but it was pretty unusual.

www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists?q=infertility

Good luck with your journey.

Just for info to PPs saying IVF treatment would show up on a medical, it wouldn't unless you actively give the clinic permission to share that information with your GP.
A clinic I had a consultation with did ask and said some clients did not tell their GP at all that they had IVF treatment.
That might be because they are very private, or hedging their bets for future NHS funding if available or other reasons I can't think of.

I hope it is obvious that I don't advocate starting adoption enquiries based on anything less than honesty, I am just saying private IVF treatment may not appear on medicals. Maybe something for social workers to consider but I guess they are working on the assumption that people will be open about their circumstances.

Might sound harsh but I don't think your ready to adopt just yet if your still thinking about ivf. I would suggest talking things through with a counsellor as you have to of come to terms with not having a birth child. Adoption process can be very difficult & you don't want to have any doubts
Good luck with whatever happens.

Hi @lilymty thank you for your comment, I take it from someone that surely has more experience than me in adoption by the way you talking, I just want to clarify that I really want a family, I don't mind whether is going to be through birth or adoption, I'm not keen on becoming pregnant, I'm keen to become a mum, I don't know if this is enough, the reason of my question in IVF and adoption at the same time is just matter of time, if we decide to go ahead with adoption I wanted to start asap as I know the timing is incredibly, that's all, Im just tired of spending money in IVF and go through the grief every single time. But thank you for your point of view,it is surely something we still need to make our mind on

@Mama1980 can i ask you what you meant when you said the process is thorough and intrusive? just to undersatnd what to expect.

The process is about finding parents for children, which sounds obvious but the local authority have a duty as corporate parents to ensure that children are placed with people who are safe, who can make a life long commitment to children placed with them and who, as far as can be assessed, are able to meet the physical, emotional and developmental needs of children who by very definition have had a difficult start in life.

This means they will explore your relationship, your upbringing, your own history including any trauma you might have experienced, the path to deciding to adopt including any fertility issues. They’ll look at your own experience of being parented - for better or worse - your attitude towards parenting, you hopes and expectations for any children placed with you. They will explore your employment, your plans for work post placement, your financial stability, your housing, etc etc. Depending on how open/private you are generally it can feel very intrusive.

They will also seek to challenge any myths or misconceptions you might have, expect that you gain an understanding of early trauma, child development and attachment and will be honest about some of the complexities and challenges of parenting adopted children who almost always have a traumatic past.

It’s a demanding process, and it needs to be. You can prepare by being very self reflective, thinking through issues that might be around for you, making sense of your losses, understanding what draws you to adoption, how you feel about your IVF process etc.

It sounds a lot but they’ll go through it step by step with you - the assessment process can take a while so be patient and don’t put your life on hold while you wait.

It’s worth it though, I have two fabulous kids who make it very worthwhile.

I know you're in a fragile place right now, and I'm really sorry to hear about your IVF experience recently. So I say this as gently as I can: you need some time to grieve for what might have been through IVF, before you start being ready to explore the realities of adoption. Our local authority includes a workshop on handling grief and loss as the very first part of applying to adopt, for good reason.

Imagine this scenario: you are a young traumatised child who has been through neglect and rejection, possibly multiple times. You find it hard to trust. The world is a scary place. Eventually, people start working with you to prepare you for a new family - you see their photos, you learn their names...and then suddenly it's not happening after all because the new family are having a baby.

^^That's why you need to have closed the book on pregnancy before you commit to adoption.

And in answer to your question about how the process could be intrusive - you'll be reflecting on your own childhood, your parenting approach and its connections to how you were parented, your relationship strengths and weaknesses, your health, your career aspirations, how you would handle a child with additional needs...and whatever else comes up in the course of the meetings with your social worker. All of those subjects are covered for good reasons, but each person might find a different aspect of it feels intrusive or difficult.

We knew from when we first got married that we wanted to adopt.

However, we decided to have a birth child first (and they are now 16). When our child was young we tried to have another via birth and it never worked out. I felt I was ready to proceed with adoption quite early, when dd was 2. But we had to wait until she was 5. Then I suddenly felt I was not ready and we had some treatment with donor eggs.

Cost a lot of money!

Then after failed IVF with donor eggs, three cycles, we did adopt, 7 years ago, a boy of three.

I think you are focusing on how you can get to be a mum as quickly as possible and I completely get that.

With respect, I think two months is not enough time to really know you are really over the IVF route. Maybe, it will be, but maybe it won't. I second or third the idea of counselling to work out if you are really ready to move on to adoption.

We had many failed IUI cycles, one before dd, and several after and three failed IVF cycles, so, I know it is quite soul crushing.

In terms of smoking, I know a couple where the man had given up smoking, then smoked when he had a bereavement, and told social workers. This delayed the process for them. If you are still smoking some of the time and tell social workers they are likely to consider you are still a smoker.

Good luck, hope you get to where you want to be. Parenting is very hard, especially adopted children (in general) so reflecting, counselling, finding coping strategies is all very helpful and will set up well for parenting.

I enquired about two months after my failed IVF. But by the time the actual assessment kicked off it ended up being about 6months after, so when I was asked about it there was a decent amount of time.

Smoking - they won’t check but also don’t lie. You gave up years ago, a few mishaps since then but you “are not a smoker and won’t be ever again”.

Being as gentle as possible, adoption is about finding families for children.
Two months is not a long time to process the loss of having a birth child.
From another perspective, we adopted a 6 month old baby boy. When he was 18 months we conceived (unexpectedly). We had been really diligent with contraceptives all through out the process ( even though we had been told we wouldn’t be able conceive naturally) but we made a mistake one night after a night out. Didn’t think anything of it, and boom birth child.
Don’t lie to the adoption agency. I love both my children, but there are times when I wonder how much easier things would be if it hadn’t happened.
My little boy struggled and looking back, he was a baby himself and suddenly there was a newcomer with his Mammy and Daddy.
We have had to put a lot of work into keeping our boy regulated and supported in his changing world.
Having a bio child in the way we did sounds amazing to outsiders and in some ways it is. But it is exhausting and challenging and there will be greater challenges as he gets older.
You need to decide to let go of wanting a bio child and moving forward with adoption.
I get you are desperate to be a parent, but I think you need to view it honestly.