Huge bombshell!

[Fakinit03]

So we are 10 weeks into placement with our 16month old daughter and after a tough few weeks at the start everything is starting to settle and feel much easier and more like normal. However today we have had a phonecall from sw to inform us birth mum has unexpectedly had a baby yesterday who is a full sibling to our dd and they would like us to consider taking this one too!
I'm in total shock! Has anyone else been in this situation before so soon after placement? How did it go for you?
We also have a 4yr old birth child who loves his new sister and wants another one!

This happened to us. It didn't have a happy ending, I'm afraid. But it sounds like you are keen to go ahead, so the best of luck! Can you afford another adoption leave so close?

This happened to us. We had two siblings placed and a couple of months later we were asked if we wanted to have their full sibling. We declined as we felt it would be too much and considering the challenges we have experienced with our two over the last 14 years it was the right decision. Difficult to make the decision initially but I always knew it was the right one to make.

This happened to us with sibling born 10 months after DD (fta) I said no with my sw’s full support and it was the right decision for DD, sibling and us. They would have been in the same school year and it just wouldn’t have worked, I was worried that We would have regrets later down the line and We would have strong feelings towards the baby but weirdly none of that happened and DD has a good relationship with sister though they are completely different.

Have you ever seriously considered 3 children?

Your BC will be 'outnumbered'
Another baby will be massively time consuming at what is still a very early stage with your AD.
What if the BM has another child next year or the year after?

Think be carefully about taking another one. 3 dc is much more work than 2 and can upset the dynamic. Plus, what will happen if the birth mother has more? You can't take them all.

"Your BC will be 'outnumbered'" nice

Yes, the BC will be outnumbered.

Now that may never cause an issue. But potentially there may be issues with the 1 birth sibling feeling ousted by 2 related adopted siblings who are also more likely to need more input/time both immediately and as they get older.

It’s a fair consideration re birth child being outnumbered - adoption is a huge change, adopted children do tend to have additional needs which show themselves over the whole of childhood and into adulthood and the birth child may come to resent this.

My two would be delighted at the idea of a younger sibling, but I know they’d really struggle with me needing to meet the needs of another child. It’s a hard decision to make, especially in the honeymoon of early placement, I hope you make the best decision for you all - what a bombshell indeed.

We adopted the baby sibling of our two adopted kids, two years after they moved in with us and were very settled. Needless to say looking after a baby is a full-time job and I don’t think I would be able to do it as well, if my first two adopted children had just been placed with us. The only reason I am able to do it well now is because they are settled and also in school most of the day so I get to spend most of the time with the baby. However, people are different, and you may be able to do juggle it all. You should consider if you would have to go through stage 2 once again and that it might take some time until they can place the baby with you (due to court timelines and also how long stage 2 might take), which may give you a good 6 months with your first adopted child before the baby moves in with you. Anyway, there are no right or wrong answers here. Adopting a third child, despite all of the work, is the best thing I’ve ever done. :)

Thanks everyone,
I think we know deep down we need to say no. It's very difficult though and I feel so sad about it for both of them. Hopefully we can get lots of contact for them in the future

If you're pre adoption order, then you're still approved. If you did want to proceed, then it could be simpler to not apply for the AO, to save being reapproved. You would need to go to matching panel again, though.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in saying "not now", though. There may be siblings later that could be a better time for all the children, if you're planning a larger family.

We did this (though after almost a year's placement, not 2 months) at a similar age. It's terrifically hard going with two little ones and no time to decompress after the rigours of the adoption process. There may be challenges with DD1 (or indeed your son) that you aren't anticipating.

That said, despite how hard it was, I don't regret it for a moment. There was no way I could have said no.

But two is our limit, I would say no now so we can give our two the attention they need.

My friends had exactly this scenario, they adopted the sibling. 18 months later they were called again, this time they said no but were able to have contact with the adopters who went on to adopt a 4th sibling 2 years later. All 4 siblings are consequently in contact and now are teens at the same school, not too many issues either apart from anger towards their birth mum