Struggling with 8yo DD

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Hello

I used to post here when we were going through the adoption process and in the early stages of adoption but haven't been on for a fair while.

We have DD (8) and DS (4) - both adopted but not biological siblings.

DD has always been tricky to parent but we are at a stage where we need to get some support, but I'm not sure what to ask for from post adoption support. I'm hoping that if I give an idea here of what we are dealing with, some more experienced adopters might be able to offer some advice.

DD came home just before her 2nd birthday, having been with an amazing foster family since she was 3 days old. She had spent her first 3 days in hospital with birth mum. She had regular contact with BM and BD right up to the week before we started introductions.

In the early days, she wouldn't allow us to comfort her if she was hurt or upset and would just sit on the floor crying, but pushing us away if we attempted to help.

I had to abandon attempts to go to toddler groups as she would get so upset if other children so much as brushed past her - but FC had said she was really confident when she used to take her.

We went back to basics in trying to build attachment - lots of skin to skin, theraplay activities etc.

As a preschooler, she would be quite controlling with other children at nursery, for example getting other children to tidy up for her, not allowing others to join in if she was playing with another child. She was also very emotional, quick to tears if something didn't go her way. This ramped up in her last term at preschool.

In year R, she was described as a 'tricky partner' and couldn't work well with many of the children as she would want it all her own way, and get upset if it didn't.

Being academically bright saw her through infants, but we are now seeing some problems in year 3. Her teacher says she lacks resilience with her work and will give up and cry when challenged. She's also chatty in class and very strong willed (sometimes controlling) in her friendships.

She can appear very sassy (to the point of appearing cheeky and rude) and confident but is actually really self conscious - she hates school plays or being 'on display' in any way.

At home, she argues constantly with every little thing, winds her little brother up, shows no respect for belongings and generally pushes everyone's buttons until they snap.

We work really hard to deal with her therapeutically but can feel it getting harder as she gets older. I'd like to contact post adoption support, but I'm not really sure where to start or what to ask for.

Does this behaviour sound familiar? Likely to be an attachment issue? Developmental trauma? Something else?

The teen years are looming and we're really worried the issues will continue to escalate and it will be so much harder to help her.

Really long - sorry!!

Very familiar, my DD is very like this and she’s 10 now, but adopted at an older age than yours. We’ve started DDP through CAMHS, it’s a type of therapy specifically for children who are adopted and focussed on supporting secure attachment and processing early trauma. While you’re seeing behavioural stuff, I know for my girl it’s driven by anxiety, lack of control/safety in herself and fear of close relationships.

DDP is a type of therapy that works initially with parents before working with the child and should be available via post adoption support. I’m in Scotland and so provision is through CAMHS, we’ve waited a good while since initial referral and I had to stand my ground quite a bit but even at an early stage I can see it will be helpful.

If you need some practical support in the meantime, give me a shout.

DDP is great. If that is not available you could ask your post adoption team to apply for ASF funding for a full assessment at a therapeutic service that specialises in attachment and developmental trauma. As part of the assessment there should be a recommendation for therapy which may be DDP or working dyadically with your daughter and you in the sessions.

The therapy recommendations from an assessment would then inform the ASF what type of therapy and how many sessions you can apply and receive. The post adoption team will need to make a further application for funding for therapy. I think your only allowed a certain amount of funding per annum. I'm not sure how much its capped at.

I think your post adoption team have to find and make contact with the therapeutic service first as before applying for the ASF.

Another vote for DDP here. We’ve been doing it for a couple of years and it’s been transformative. I’m in England so we accessed it via ASF.

One other thing that may or may not be helpful. DD had similar background and timescales and ‘on paper’ had a stable time pre adoption. I’ve since discovered (through post adoption and DDP) that the contact with BPs whilst in care was really chaotic, likely repeatedly traumatic, and went on for much longer than I was first told and involved over night stays. Our post adoption SW has done a lot of digging for us in the SW archives and it’s helped me to piece together a more accurate life story which has helped me to understand what’s triggering the behaviour and support DD to understand what she’s feeling.

Amazing, thank you all so much. I knew this was the place to come!

I had never heard of DDP but have done a bit of research this afternoon and it looks great. Slowly but surely, interventions seem to be improving for our children don't they?

I'm keen to be able to enlighten DD's school as well - so far her behaviour has been met by her class teacher with 'she just needs to have more resilience.' I suggested some ELSA input might help but this is not something they are offering at the moment due to staffing apparently. They are a small village school and I suspect haven't seen much along these lines in the past.

PoppyStellar - your comments around contact hit home actually. Though DD was absolutely loved by her foster family, contact was often very fraught. The pregnancy would have been very fraught as there was an ongoing court battle around DD's older half-siblings, and I know that there were a few occasions when DD's foster carer had to take her home early from contact for various reasons.

Thanks all for giving me renewed hope and new lines of enquiry/research!

There's some good stuff online about using PACE in the classroom. This is from Oxfordshire but looks good www.oxfordshire.gov.uk/sites/default/files/file/children-and-families/PACEforteachers.pdf

There is an organisation called Trauma Informed Schools which does training and resources, or try Beacon House or Braveheart for training for school staff if your school would be open to that.

Years ago I came across a really good simple two page guide to attachment styles in the classroom. I've printed it out before and given it to DD's teachers. I haven't been able to find the original for a while but I'll have a google and see if I can find it or something similar.

This isn't the original but it's similar (and only 5 pages!) virtualschool.bathnes.gov.uk/sites/default/files/2018-10/Attachment%20Theory%20in%20the%20Classroom%20-%20Website_1.pdf

Found a version of the original www.schools.norfolk.gov.uk/-/media/schools/files/pupil-safety-and-behaviour/personal-education-plans/make-a-place-for-pace.pdf

I'm keen to be able to enlighten DD's school as well - so far her behaviour has been met by her class teacher with 'she just needs to have more resilience.

I’d argue she’s already shown huge resilience to come as far as she has. In practical terms I’d be looking at the school environment and routines. While her struggles may come to the fore at particular times or in certain tasks, I know for my girl it’s simply that she runs out of steam. So the more predictable and calmer the day, the better, for example changing her coat peg at school is a minor thing, but dealing with it takes emotional energy, as does working with a new partner, not getting the lunch choice she ordered, doing reading instead of numbers after break, etc etc. All very minor things in themselves but each thing shakes her a bit so by the time she’s being asked to work with a partner, she has no resilience left at all. It looks like she doesn’t cope with group work but actually it’s the whole school day.

There’s a good analogy using a coke bottle online, focussed on children with autism but the principles are exactly the same for our kids. It’s worth looking up because it explains how very small changes can have a big impact on coping skills.