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Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Adoption

Do you think we stand a chance at Adoption?

10 replies

blaisealex · 20/05/2021 16:31

DP and I would really like to adopt. Currently we have a 3 year old. DP also has four DC from a previous marriage. 17, 15, 13 and 11 who we have EOW. We all have a great relationship without any issues.

DP works FT. I work PT 10 hours per week. We have a mortgage. Finances are fine. Not rolling in it but enough to cover basics ans have the odd treat.

I've had some MH issues before but on medication and all good.

Only issue I can think of is that we have 3 bed. Us in one room, DS in another and he shares with two DSS' EOW when they stay. Two DSDs then have the third and final bedroom EOW thought it's empty the rest of the time. So, no spare room but obviously I would look to solve this somehow, before applying(?).

Apart from that, I can see any glaring issues that would prevent a problem, though perhaps my MH? For context, it's anxiety that I've suffered my entire life but came to head last summer due to miscarriage. I've had CBT and on medication and honestly, my life has changed so much for the better now I've sought help. I also have a BMI of 35.8 so that's not great either.

If I can solve the Bedroom situation do you think it worth starting the process?

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blaisealex · 20/05/2021 17:15

Bump!

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Ted27 · 20/05/2021 17:29

Hello @blaisealex
very quick reply

sorry to hear about your miscarriage. The SWs will want to be reassured that you have come to terms with not having anymore birth children.

the bedroom is a big issue, particularly with so many people in the house

The BMI and anxiety issues arent insurmountable.

Have you talked to the older children about your plans?

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Mumtolittlesausage · 20/05/2021 17:34

The spare bedroom is a big one, social workers require the adopted child to have their own bedroom, they wouldn't agree to your partners children sharing with the adopted child, even if it's only every other weekend. I believe they will want you to have to have housing side of things sorted before you start, whether this means moving or building works. Your mental health shouldn't be an issue as long as its controlled. They will want to discuss this in more detail and want to know that you are not wanting to explore fertility treatment and that you are focused on adoption. They will also want to speak to the other parent of your partners children.

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Notmenotme · 20/05/2021 17:37

Whilst I don’t want to put you off - I can’t see a house where there are 4 children who come every other weekend (sorry if I’ve misunderstood eow) being that great for an adopted child. I think there are already 5 children and two adults in a 3 bedroom house on a regular basis. The adopted child would need their own room really and I think it would be very difficult if you have step children to stay...

Even if you had a bigger house - say a 4 bed, you two have a room, your biological child has a room and your adopted child has a room, and then your step children have a room... between 4 of them? I mean I know the 17 year old would be an adult soon but they’d still want to come to stay?

I may be wrong - and you may find that there are social workers happy with that set up - but I can see it causing problems for children with attachment issues.

I do think you should speak to agencies though as I am just someone who’s made a judgement on a post on an online forum, not someone who’s met you!!!! So you may be snapped up by agencies!! Good luck!

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blaisealex · 20/05/2021 17:39

Thank you for the replies. It does seem the bedroom is going to be the biggest issue and I'll definitely have to try and get this sorted before I apply. I'm not sure how at the moment. We don't really want to move and nor can we afford to really but DH might have some ideas regarding using the space we have or potentially converting loft space, etc.

I have definitely come to terms with having no more birth children. It's a big no no. And I'd much rather adopt. I don't actually have any fertility issues as far as I'm aware so we could potentially try for another child and it could happen straight away but I really would rather adopt.

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blaisealex · 20/05/2021 18:08

@Notmenotme

This really is my biggest worry. But thank you!

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Ted27 · 20/05/2021 19:47

@blaisealex

you haven’t said if you have discussed your plans with the older kids - SWs will want to speak to them

It might be worth taking some time to think through your timescales.
lets say you applied now, realistically allow 18 months to be assessed and matched, though could be longer.
So the 17 year will probably be at least 19, the 15 year at least 17. Do you really think that they are likely to be staying every other weekend as routine? What might life look like for the family as it is in 18 months to 2 years time?
Bear in mind that adoption is a two stage process - you have to get through an approval panel. Then you will have to convince a social worker that you are right for a specific child, plus the matching panel.
The more complicated your set up is, the less keen a social worker will be.
I don’t think I’ve ever come across a situation that wasnt insurmountable for prospective adopters, sometimes you just have to give time to figure it out or for an issue to resolve itself

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Italiangreyhound · 22/05/2021 01:29

blaisealex I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

Which bedroom is the biggest?

I agree the bedroom issue is the biggest hurdle. If the third bedroom is big then you could divide it into two. This would mean you could use one exclusively for your adopted child and the other for all the step siblings or whoever usually uses that third bedroom. How would your son feel about the fact he has to share every other weekend but new adopted child does not?

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malikaqi · 22/05/2021 20:33

I don't think the bedrooms are your only issue. Adopted children need stability. Having 4 children come and go every week would be very disruptive and potentially distressing for children you have already had disrupted lives. Sorry but I don't think adoption in such circumstances would be right.

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Koko2019 · 23/05/2021 09:25

If it is something you're very keen to do speak with the local authority and put these questions to them. They'll let you know what areas and issues need to be resolved before they can consider you. All authorities are different. You'll also be able to explain your family set up/situation to them and they can guide you on whether this is an issue. As the previous poster said, this may be the biggest challenge.
MH is unlikely to be a problem if you can show you're managing now and you can get a report from a counsellor/therapist saying as much. Many people (like me) come to adoption after years of infertility and miscarriages. Nearly all have had MH issues. The social workers are fine with this so long as you can demonstrate you're managing now.
Good luck with your enquiry.