Sorry, this is on the long side:
Quick background – we submitted a ROI form in February and in a subsequent meeting with a SW were told it wouldn’t be accepted. She asked us to take a few weeks to complete a kitchen refurb and use that time to reconsider adoption. If we still wanted to adopt once the kitchen was done then we could resubmit, on the understanding they may reject us again. We think they’re trying to put us off because of my past (short term but serious drug use in my early 20s, and a few other ‘vulnerabilities’ requiring investigation, including a difficult relationship with my mother).
The kitchen’s almost finished and we’re getting our ROI ready to resubmit. In her last email the SW advised we should ‘…consider whether you need to change or add to your list of referees’. In the meeting she seemed to be unhappy that none of our parents were acting as referee. She also told me that I would need referees to cover the period I spent living with a drug addict boyfriend rather than the SW contacting him for a previous partner reference.
Our current references are:
My brother (speak on the phone every week, best friend, very supportive emotionally, practically and financially, but lives at the other end of the UK)
Family friend (same age as my mum, mother figure to me, known for 25 years including most of the time I was using drugs, I’ve looked after all of her grandchildren over the years including overnights, lived with her daughter for several years, she was adopted herself and worked as a SW for many years in child protection and family finding, lives 200 miles away)
Friend (same age as me, known for 18 years, lives locally, see regularly and has two primary age children which I look after occasionally
Husband’s sister (tried to adopt herself so has some insight, lives 200 miles away)
Husband’s friend (known for 25 years, lives locally, see regularly and has two primary age children which we look after occasionally)
Husband’s other friend (known for 25 years, lives locally, see regularly and has a one year old)
I thought this was a good range of references but the SW obviously doesn’t think so, so we're hoping for a bit of advice about who to add or lose.
We think we’re going to swap husband’s sister for his mum, as the lack of a parent seemed to be problematic, but the main issue seems to be me.
I could add in a friend from my hometown - known since I was 14, professional job, three daughters, but I only get to see her once a year. She’s known me through all my ups and downs and we’ve continued regular contact, but she’s 200 miles away.
I could add in my godmother – lives 20 miles away and see her regularly, but a bit Daily Mail and would probably not be much practical use as she is very children-should-be-seen-and-not-heard. However, she thinks the world of me and would definitely let the SW know that I’ve got my act together and am not some useless junkie.
We also have several other friends who live a few minutes’ walk away with young kids, but we haven’t known them as long. One of them is a social worker.
I don't have any contact with my dad, and my mum is profoundly deaf as well as being likely to push her own agenda, at my expense, in an interview with the SW. She isn't reliable and I can't trust her to support me in this. I definitely don't want her to be a referee, I thought a mother figure friend would be a good substitute.
Please can anyone advise what the best option is:
Add in two or three more references? Which one(s)?
Swap out some of our current references?
What’s wrong with our current mix?
We’re determined to get our ROI accepted this time but it feels as though the kitchen makeover is just them stalling for time and hoping we don’t come back, so we need to get this right if we stand a chance!
Thanks for reading this epic post.