3YO wanting me at bedtime

8 replies

Jannt86 · 07/05/2021 21:28

Oh my days my little girl is tugging at my heartstrings tonight She's got herself into a right state wanting me to put her to bed. I've given her cuddles goodnight etc and walked away as dh and I had an agreement that we'd alternate who puts her bed so that she doesn't become too dependent on either one of us and I know that if I so much as go up to say night night it'll only make her worse . She is stayed with by whichever of us is putting her to bed until she falls asleep and is free to come into our bedroom overnight whenever she wants. I don't want to spoil our bond and am very attachment focussed but I know it's not especially practical for her to rely on either one of us too heavily for bedtime either especially as I am sometimes at work at bedtime.... Is it unreasonable to do it like this? I'm heartbroken that I'm upsetting her but I do think she's surely getting the message that she's safe and loved IYSWIM XX

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Italiangreyhound · 07/05/2021 23:33

Jannt86 It's my understanding that children usually attach to one parent first. Certainly that does seem to be the case for adopted children. From that one attachment others will come.

IMHO if she really wants one of your than the other it is OK to allow her to have that. Certainly my adopted son (who came to us at 3) was more attached to me initially. He was looked after both of us but before school saw a lot of me.

It maybe depends how long she has been with you. If she has been with you for years maybe it's more reasonable to let her know Daddy is putting her to bed tonight. However, if she has only been with you a relatively short-time, I would try and let her have her way when it is possible, in this at least.

If you are at work at bed time, I'd work out what might work best, I'm assuming giving her warning, daddy is putting you to bed tonight and ensure she knows it's all OK.

Good luck.

Original poster

Jannt86 · 08/05/2021 06:52

@Italiangreyhound

Jannt86 It's my understanding that children usually attach to one parent first. Certainly that does seem to be the case for adopted children. From that one attachment others will come.

If you are at work at bed time, I'd work out what might work best, I'm assuming giving her warning, daddy is putting you to bed tonight and ensure she knows it's all OK.

Good luck.

Sorry I should have said she's been with us over 2 years and I'm confident feels safe and secure with us both and yeh we tell her who's taking her. When she first came to us we would both do bedtime together but then we phased out to alternating once we knew she was well settled and on the whole she manages fine with that but just once in a while all hell breaks loose lol x

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Jellycatspyjamas · 08/05/2021 08:19

At 3 I’d let her choose, especially after the year we’ve had, little ones have been quite unsettled by everything and may just need one parent over the other just now. While having a routine and alternating bedtimes makes sense from an adult perspective, being a bit flexible in response to her needs will teach her that people will respond to her and that she has some degree of control over what happens in her life, which is really important. Rigid rules and routines have their place but honestly, I’d have just gone and settled her. I’d not want her to think that my rules couldn’t bend to accommodate her wants and needs.

Jacketpandbeans · 08/05/2021 17:24

Our 3 year old sounds similar to this! He used to be happy for either one of us to put him to bed (was usually my husband's job) but recently, he'll only settle if I'm involved too. We find more and more little rituals are getting added into the bedtime routine! He makes lots of effort to try and exclude my husband (not just bedtime but other things too) I've realised that we all have a calmer, more peaceful bedtime if I give him the comfort he needs but I also tell him Daddy is going to put your pyjamas on/ read a story etc. I then try to stay out of the way while my husband does those things so that they can focus on each other! As another poster has said, I think lockdown is likely to have played a part in why our little one has been unsettled. I also think it's coincided with a developmental phase of an increased awareness that things can be scary e.g. worried about the dark, stories with scary elements etc.

Notmenotme · 10/05/2021 06:41

Have the same issue at the moment and no real suggestions!!!

I think it helps if the other person is totally out of the way... rather than hovering as I think that can cause more problems.

Fakinit03 · 12/05/2021 10:13

My 4yr old birth child is exactly the same! He will occasionally let dad do bedtime but has always much preferred me and some nights will cause a big commotion if it's dad's turn. Sometimes explaining mam needs a rest works and sometimes it doesn't. As annoying as it is I see it as another need he has that particular day and I respond to all his other needs so why not this? I also work past bedtime some days but he makes no fuss at all when I'm not there because he knows he has no choice so it hasn't really been an issue

Allington · 13/05/2021 04:46

Maybe go back to doing it jointly? Your DH can do all the practical care, to show her that he can, but with you in the room for emotional support.

Original poster

Jannt86 · 13/05/2021 10:14

Thanks for the great advice all. Yeh we may go to tag teaming instead so daddy does bath and pjs and teeth and mummy does stories and sleep.

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