Son says he doesn’t belong here

[Rosebud2005]

Have any of your teenagers suddenly told you they never ever felt like you were their parents? Especially if they already previously new their birth family? I’ve been trying to work out ds (15) for a while and we were up for another very long late night last night talking about his life, his past and the fact that he can’t wait til he’s 16 so he can go back to them. Is it us? We’ve always been as honest as we can be about how his mum was and how she neglected him but try not to be judge mental about her and what she went through herself but finding it really hard at the moment with him just not seeing how being adopted was the positive outcome for what could potentially have been so much worse for them both. He just doesn’t see it that way, he said his family are his family and he doesn’t like the fact that they’re no longer his legal family because they can’t so the things for him that we do and says it’s why he’s always tried to take control of his own life so he doesn’t need us or anybody else. He’s still speaking to the school counsellor but she has told him she’ll get him an appointment with the psychologist. He’s being so negative just now and I’m trying so hard to turn it around for him. He just doesn’t seem to want us as his parents. He said he’s felt since coming here age 7 that were just another house with carers who look after him like several other foster carers have before. I don’t know where we’ve went wrong in trying to make that feel different for him

@Rosebud2005

you havent done anything wrong. Its a positive thing that he can talk to you about this.
I think anything the school can offer is out of their depth, however well intentioned. He needs adoption specialist support.
SW needs to come and do an assessment of need, get an application into the ASF and get some theraputic life story work.

I agree with @Ted27, I don’t know that there’s anything you could have done that would have made him feel more part of your family. It’s difficult when children are placed when they’re older because they do have memories of their old family and “mum and dad” are roles people play rather than relationships they have, because often a few people have filled that role. Being as self sufficient as possible can come with developmental trauma too so it’s going to be complex. He really needs strong therapeutic support which schools counselling really isn’t going to be able to give. If you’re in England I’d explore the support available through the adoption support fund.

Is this a recent thing? How has he talked about it and how has he described his feelings over the years, at 8, or 10, or 12, for example?

You sound very upset about it

I also strongly agree with the previous two posters about specialist life story work.

I would say it upsets me to hear him say these things as we always want him to feel wanted and loved and part of the family. I’m not upset for myself. Over the years he has never given any indication of feeling this way until right now. He’s always been a very happy chirpy wee boy. I don’t know if there’s something else bothering him or if he’s feeling confused about his feelings at the moment and I just hope it’s something we will work out. I have asked about life story work before and was told we don’t need it. I feel he absolutely needs it. You’re right in that a school counsellor isn’t enough. The psychologist will no doubt delve deeper. I’m just glad he does still have the ability to open up to me

You haven't done anything wrong.

Remember that the teen years are full of questions about identity. I was talking to DD's school SW the other day and her comment (experienced with adopted and fostered teens) is that most teens often feel that they don't fit in, and with those adopted or fostered it is natural that they attribute it to not being with birth family rather than a rite of passage of teen years.

The fact that he trusts you enough to say this to you is a huge tribute. Teens need to create a distance with their family, but usually they come back with a new balance between belonging and individuality. Specialised life story work and counselling would be good - in the meantime hang on in there and don't take it as his final position.

DD1 stormed off, aged 15 and pregnant, to her boyfriend's family because I was such a bad mother then she was contacted by her birth father's family and had a few intoxicated months before realising that they promised a lot and delivered nothing - she is now in occasional contact with a birth aunt.

In the meantime, she has learnt to value the fact that I am there for her consistently. She needed to learn it for herself.