What is the best solution?

[theheartofthematter]

I have an adopted child, she is the 2nd of 3 that were removed. She is relatively happy about that, it’s life it’s fine and she has always known so it’s no big deal. There has been a child born since that stayed with the birth mother and my DD really struggles with this. They were all removed at birth because BM couldn’t care for them and my DD worries a lot about the baby who is in the BMs home. I have found out today that another baby has arrived. Here is my question. Do I tell her about her newest baby? I feel like she has the right to know as 1 the rest of us in the house know and 2 it’s her sibling and her family history. BUT telling her will add to her worries. The sibling that has stayed seems ok, he is school age now so I assume if there had been problems he wouldn’t still be there but again, she is allowed her feelings about where he should be. Urgh, it’s so hard, I honestly think she should know but her little sensitive loving heart can’t keep worrying about the ones left behind. Do I tell her knowing her heart will ache for the new baby and it's circumstances like it does for the other sibling or do I just not mention it for the time being knowing that she will find out one day in the future?

yes I would tell her, but pick your moment. I waited a few months before I told my son about new siblings, because he had exams or something else was was going on. I always tried to tell him things at the weekends so I knew we would have a lot of time together to talk things over.

How old is she? It might be worth considering theraputic life story work.
My son has a full sibling who stayed with dad whilst he was fostered and then adopted by me. He struggled a lot with this - life story work helped him a lot.

Thanks for responding. She is 11 so just heading towards secondary. I think we are going to have to tell her, it's going to make her really sad

We started life story work when my son was not quite 12. He was 10 when I made the funding application.
It felt like a good age to do it.

As an adopted adult who only found out about siblings that stayed with BM when I was an adult I am torn on this one.

I do think knowing the others had all stayed would have led to a lot of negative feelings for me during childhood and a lot of confusion but also only finding out as an adult was hard too.
I don’t think either option is easy.

The issue is you know and therefore I really think you have to tell her. It would be more damaging for her to find out in years to come you knew and did not tell her.

I think you need to tell her. If you don't she may resent you for keeping it secret. And i may be harder for her to trust.

The fact the older child has stayed and made it to school age and now new baby has arrived, better for birth mum not to have had them really close together and maybe more likely that she can now cope.

My son's foster mother adopted after he was adopted. I worries he would be sad but he was OK. I know it is not the same. But I feared it could lead to him being unhappy she chose to adopt, but not him.

The truth does sometimes hurt but it also has a way of coming out.

I really hope all will be well for your little one.

And it may be harder...

I also think you should tell her for the reasons you have mentioned. I would emphasise to your daughter that her birth mother will be on ss's radar and that she can only keep her new children, if she keeps them safe.

When we experienced this situation, we had some recent pictures in which my daughter's birth mother looked much healthier and I pointed that out to her. We also talked about how it is easier to care for just one child than several.

Why not wait and see how/ if BM can cope with two children.