Second Time Adopters Advice

[Giovanna1712]

Hi guys, am looking for some input for those of you who've adopted more than once.

I'm Mummy to the most amazing LO through adoption and am in the process of adopting their birth sibling. I guess adopting a second time wasn't my active choice initially because of other commitments, but more recently I'm questioning whether it's more to do with me being so happy with things as they are and not wanting that to change...

I've now met the other child, who is absolutely adorable, we've been in contact for some time, but I feel no connection. I know that the feelings don't come immediately for us all, but as I was instantly in love with my LO, I am terrified that it's absence at the moment means that it won't come in future.

I've read about people 'faking it til you make it' kind of thing and that connection and love grows - but what if it doesn't? I could be responsible for damaging a little person and future adult. That thought scares me so much.

Has anyone ever had this, where it hasn't come? (I've read lots where it has); input from anyone who's felt the same would be so welcome.

G xx

Do you think it's that you've been through so much to get here (seen your previous posts), you're just subconsciously protecting yourself in case? I strongly suspect that when you relax, when LO arrives, the love will grow. You're clearly a loving person, I think you're just scared.

Love grows in fertile hearts, and I'm sure it will come for you. It's weirder, IMO, to love someone, in the words of Frozen, to love someone you just met. I'm so glad things are progressing for you.

Hi. I have just adopted the baby sibling of our adopted children. It was a difficult decision, but one we took with full confidence. We always felt a connection from the moment we knew the baby was up for adoption, although we had reservations due to their health. However, we always felt that this second time adoption would add value to our family unit, if you know what I mean.

From your message, it feels like you may not be ready to adopt the baby, which is absolutely fine. As you said, you are in a good place with your current adopted child and are not feeling a connection. And that’s ok! You don’t have to adopt the child. If I hadn’t felt a connection, I wouldn’t have said yes. When making this sort of decision I think it’s important to guide yourself through what your heart and emotions are telling you. I know it is crushing to say ‘no’ and that you may feel like you’re not being a good person, but that’s not the case. The birth mum will probably have more children and at some point you will have to say no. But my advice is to trust your heart! If the connection is not there, then it’s probably not right for you.

There’s a big difference in meeting your new little one for the first time after whatever process brought you to adoption and making a decision to add a second child.

In the first instance your feelings towards the child are also bound up with relief that the process is ending and you finally becoming a parent for the first time. The second time you’re aware of the challenges as well as the joys, and have an existing family unit to consider so of course your feelings are going to be mixed.

I adopted two at the same time, my feelings for one child were instant, my feelings for the other took a good while to grow - different children, different connections. I love them both equally now. Love can and does grow.

That doesn’t mean this is the right choice for you at the right time but I do think adoption is a healthy mix of head and heart. What made you decide to progress with this little one and what has changed?

I faked it till I broke. We adopted a young one last year. Unfortunately they ended up having a lot more additional needs than we were aware of. We also had an older child to consider. LOs additional needs resulted in tantrums, hitting and biting. This, plus a ridiculous amount of chasing health care professionals and additional new health professional relationships I had to manage, lockdown, home schooling and the transition from one to two children was all too much for me. I tried to fake it till I made it. In the end, I was so emotionally overwhelmed from faking it that I broke. I blamed it all on the LO.

I'm now three months into getting help for depression which includes medication and therapy.

I'm not sure that four months ago I liked LO. Let alone loved them. Now I adore them. They are one of the best things I've done.

I worry about the phrase faking it till you make it. I worry it implies all you need to do is power through the doubt and pain and hard work and everything will be grand. Some people don't work like this. It didn't work for me.

Second thoughts are normal. You're going to be completely changing the very happy family dynamic you have now. You don't know how it will go and unknowns are scary. No-one can tell you what's right to do and whatever decision you choose will be the right one for your family.

When I adopted DS is was instant love. A complete dream come true. Three years later we applied to adopt again and were matched with DD. The bonding took so much longer. I think once you are already knee deep in the stressful world of being a parent there isn't so much of that fairytale feeling. DD ( now 12 ) and I now have an even closer bond than DS and I have but it took a few years if I'm honest. There were quite a few years where I was just going through the motions.

I worry about the phrase faking it till you make it. I worry it implies all you need to do is power through the doubt and pain and hard work and everything will be grand. Some people don't work like this. It didn't work for me.

I think this is very true, faking it isn’t often the best strategy because you are constantly pushing against yourself, which is a huge stress on top of lots of stress already. Showing care, kindness, working to build connection, being protective can all be done without faking feelings that aren’t there. Love grows, it takes time and intention.