Adult adopted children and social services

[Fandangoes]

Hi all - looking for some advice. I don't want to go in to too much detail for obvious reasons but I'm just wondering if their is an age when social services would start contacting an adopted person directly rather than the adoptive parents. For context SS wanted to discuss something related to the birth family. Our adopted child is now an adult and I am surprised they came to us rather than our child - Is this normal?

Could you ask social services themselves why?

It sounds very odd that they contacted you instead of your adult child, but it also seems odd that they would contact either of you at all so long after the adoption. I am intrigued!

Not so odd, they have contacted us a few times over they years. It made sense when our child was younger and we made decisions on how much information we passed on to child and when to make sure I do was age appropriate etc. But now child is an adult I just wondered if anybody knows if there is an age where they would make direct contact?

Could it be simply a matter of knowing your address and not necessarily knowing if they are still living at home with you ?

I think it might also depend on how “adult” the child is and the nature of the information. If they’re 18/19 I could imagine sw thinking they might need some support depending on the nature of the information, or if there are additional support needs they may want to be sure you have accurate information. In your shoes I’d just ask them, they’ll have a reason which may be as simple as they know your address.

I see what you mean, and I don't know the answer, but I think it is a good question and it is worth finding out. It might be simply that they go with the contact details on file, in oversight. I would wonder if there were issues around confidentiality or things like that after the child reaches 18.

Has your child had any contact with SS since they turned 18? Have they requested their file at all? Are they seeking contact with birth family either through official channels or via social media? Does your child have an EHCP?

No contact since child turned 18 (now early 20s). My child hasn't made any contact with them, there is no EHCP.

I suppose it makes sense that they would need to check where DC was living but the letter asked us to call them and when I did they discussed the situation with me, there was never any mention of them asking for direct contact details for DC. We've been mulling over the best way to handle the situation and that made me realise that actually I'm not sure its our decision to make any more and then I got curious of other people's experience in these situations.

Obviously we still feel very protective over DC and will support them completely so in a way I am glad that we have been given this opportunity to choose a good time to discuss it with them, be there for support etc but part of me also feels that perhaps they should now be discussing this with DC directly and wondering if there is a 'normal' protocol

With all due respect to you as adoptive parents, I would be hurt and upset if they discussed anything with anyone else given that your DC is now an adult. In saying that, I'm sure DC would discuss whatever it is with you, but really it's DC who should be first in line for any updates. Don't mean to sound harsh so please don't take this the wrong way, I'm an adoptee too and just wish I had some background info.

I'm guessing it's news about the birth parent/s, but it could be a final update to the SS file now that DC is an adult.

Wishing you all the best and hope it works out OK.

Reading your update, it does sound as though they should be contacting your adult child directly. It might be worth calling them back and asking them, to see if it just didn't occur to them. I wonder if there is protocol about it, and if not whether there should be. You wouldn't be getting their GP phoning you to discuss things, or their employer.

you've not upset me at all WindyRose, I think I agree with you and its really interesting to hear from an adoptee's point of view so thank you for sharing. I'm tying myself in knots trying to work out when to share this info with DC to not upset other stuff going on in their life. I absolutely believe it is not my place to keep the information from them but as a protective parent I can't help but feel I should do that in the best way possible to cause the least upset. But its so hard to know when is the right time etc then a little part of me thought why have I been given this dilemma!!
As I said, we are fortunate we have a good relationship with our child, we have always been open so I am fairly confident that I know how my child would want me to deal with this so fingers crossed we get it right but it has definitely made me think!
When we speak to DC I will ask them if they want me to ask SS to contact them directly in future or if they want me to leave our contact details on the file.

So pleased I didn't upset you Fandangoes, I almost didn't reply but after reading other replies decided a different perspective might give some food for thought.

It's great you all have a good and open relationship, that would make things a whole lot easier on everyone and something that was totally lacking for me.

Yes, why have you been given this dilemma? that is the mystery, because SS would know DC's date of birth and that they should be in touch direct. Good idea to ask if DC wants you to contact SS, that way at least they have made that decision.

As for finding the right time...that is a tough one, but I think the longer you put it off the worse it could be for all of you and only you know if DC could cope with something else. Then again, some people thrive under pressure.

If you need a shoulder or think I could help, please don't hesitate to direct message. You sound like a loving parent with your DC's best interests in mind, congratulations!

Wishing you all the best

I have read your responses and agree with @WindyRose. 2 thoughts spring to mind:

1. we were told as part of our preparation training to always be honest with our children around their adoption. You say now is not a good time to tell them what you've learnt. My response is will there ever be a good time? If not today then when? The stress of waiting for the right time will only grow.

2. once you've spoken with your child, you need to push back at your adoption agency and ask for a copy of their policies and procedures with regards to contacting others in the same situation as you. What they've done doesn't feel right given everything you've told us about your adult children.

I think another thing to think about here is what message it might send to someone when information is not shared with them immediately, whether they may wonder if you will withhold information again, and also whether they may feel that you do not have confidence in their ability to cope with life.

This is not so much your situation, more generally. It will sometimes be tricky, for example, they may be about to do exams.

It would be really useful if you could come back and let us know what the social worker says if you ask them, I would be really interested to know what the policy is.

Thanks everyone, your responses have been really helpful and I will come back with an update when I have one. It is indeed exams I am concerned about just now so I just need to work out whether I wait until those are over. There is no immediate rush with regards to the information we have been given and SS said that too.

Exams won't go on forever so I think it wise to wait until they are completed and I'm sure DC would understand when you explain the time delay.

Adopted adult here. Wait until the exams are over.

I have a somewhat different view to the other adoptees on here in that I wouldn't mind the agency contacting you first, in principle. For a variety of reasons tbh, one of which is I tend to dwell on things and having emotional help to filter certain types of content (not necessarily only adoption related) can be valuable to me. Your DC may or may not feel this way generally speaking or feel this way about this situation.

SS had the relationship with you and I can kind of see why the discussion with you has continued, even into your DCs adulthood. I wouldn't think it was appropriate for my parents to be the main point of contact with my birth family but I don't feel at all the same about the agency. I can't really articulate why well though.

Just do whatever feels right to your DC but don't be totally surprised if they are happy to be arm's length from SS.

Thank you OVienna that is helpful thanks for sharing

@Ovienna I think your post was very honest but I think it is unusual, the usual assumption would be the other way for most young adults? Exams may well be the exception, though, as a parent I would find it a tough call and would be loath to distract my dc's focus unless absolutely necessary. But do you think social work policy should be that they continue to contact parents, across the board? I hope you don't mind me asking. Your post is very honest, as I say, and helpful as it shows a different perspective.

I don't understand why it would be that unusual. Why do you think so? It would be helpful to know in order to think about how to respond.

I will say I don't think this is a "one sized fits all" situation.

I'll just quickly come back to this but briefly as I don't want to derail the OPs thread. I had a closed adoption but some dealings with the agency when I was starting a search for my BF. The person I dealt with had been there for years and years and remembered my adoption and had also dealt with my parents AND my birth mum. Speaking to her, I was conscious of a conflict of interest, I think that is the best way to put it. In fact, it is possible she lied to me a bit about details she had on file, I think with the goal of preserving my BM's privacy which is what was agreed with her at the time and where she, I think, saw her primary loyalty. However, it is also possible my BM gave false info. Not massive lies but just slightly. In any case, my dialogue with them improved when this person moved onto another role and I was dealing with a new contact there who had had no connection with my parents or my birth mother. She was able to speak more freely and seemed to have MY interests at heart.

In the case of the OPs DC, before transitioning the relationship with SW over to the DC, I would expect some sort of 'hand over' and discussion about how the relationship will work and that it was made clear the SW was there to support the DC now. In that regard, the relationship isn't 'like for like' however easier that would be administratively for the SW. The DC is still the child in this situation however old they are in reality, in my experience these feelings don't really go away. (I am 50.) So, I would expect that any dialogue would be approached with that sort of sensitivity in mind. Not just, well, here you go, we're going to pick up where we left off with your adoptive parents, 'because you're the adult now.' I would also want to understand whether the DC had dealings with SW in a way they might remember and whether any of those feelings are negative, for whatever reason.

I don't know what the legal rules are regarding privacy. Obviously they'll have to follow that. But I suspect the OP is in this situation because SW know and feel comfortable with that relationship.