How do you deal with nosy questions ?

[Hammyhamster92]

As discussed on another thread, my stepson has come to live with me and my partner, ( my partner is from the carribean, and my stepson had been living with his paternal grandparents there until he came over to join us).

I am white, and DP and stepson are both black. I am frequently out alone with stepson due to dog's working hours and I wasnt at all prepared for the amount of people, ( literally strangers), who walk over and ask ( in front of stepson), if I have adopted him/ if I'm his mum.

Surely we dont owe stepson life history to complete strangers, ( his mother died when he was young). How do you deal with this ?

no you don’t owe anyone anything. But you do need to develop the skin of a rhino and not be worried about giving offence - they clearly aren’t

Sometimes you just have to be blunt

none of your business, thats personal,

bog off if I’m feeling really stroppy

Thanks. The worst has been when they direct the question at DSS himself, ( as a school mum did recently in the playground 😡), I can't imagine being that rude to a child.

Just say he is your stepson?
Further questioning met with 'oh it's a bit complex, I'll spare you the details'.

If we were asked background I used to give general info on why children end up in care, but that wouldn't be so relevant in your case I guess.

Am I right in thinking you live in a predominantly white area?

Yes, @ted27 , a predominantly white area, so whilst there are black people here , it's not the norm .

So you are something of a novelty then, where I am mixed families are 10 a penny so we don’t stand out.

I heard Benjamin Zephaniah on a book tour just before lockdown and he talked about when he started a new school and the head welcomed the new coloured boy in front of the whole school. Its smacks of that really doesnt it.

You could be completely OTT about it and say yes you exchanged him for 10 long horned cattle and a bag of dates in the market in Timbuktu.
I’d warn him if you were going to do that though !
Personally I have no patience though and would say its none of your business.
How are the other kids behaving towards him - it might be worth checking in with his teachers. Its also worth keeping an eye on what they are doing in class and homework . I intervened a few times as I thought they could have been more aware at times, and this was a school with loads of black and Asian kids.

Tbh, @ted27 I find the kids are better than the parents.

I would just say, I don't share my personal information with strangers if it was a literal stranger.

Kids are usually better than the parents. They see colour but don't see any difference if you see what I mean. Unfortunately that's learned and can be at an early age so I would recommend you giving your stepson some responses he can draw on which will mean he doesn't panic or get caught off guard.

If it was another mum in the playground and I wanted to keep a relationship open for the future then I would say I'm his step mum. If I was feeling passive aggressive Id follow it up with something like "families come in all shapes and sizes nowadays don't they" or "so many people ask me that I'm thinking about getting a t-shirt".

Could you ask dss what he is comfortable with people knowing? He could feel quite different depending on if they're total strangers or school friends.

Answers (in varying levels of fuck offness)

• Why exactly do you ask?
• We don't share personal information with people we don't know.
• Yes, we do look different don't we? Genes are amazing things!
• Well, I'm his Mum now. Aren't I lucky?
• Long and private story that's not mine to tell.
• well, kind of adopted
• sorry, he's decided only to share the details with special friends
• Is he black? Oh I hadn't noticed
• He doesn't look like me but he's the spit of his dad.
• yes, I'm his stepmum.

Completely agree with Haffdonga
"Could you ask dss what he is comfortable with people knowing? He could feel quite different depending on if they're total strangers or school friends."

If he feels uncomfortable with anything just say "We don't talk about our family to strangers."

If the person is not a stranger, then you need to be careful to say what is suitable for him. I know it is hurtful and I would certainly be very blunt with strangers but if it were the parent of a school friend/potential school friend, I'd be more sensitive.

Im glad you ‘ve got some more measured responses, I must have a bit of cob on about something today !

"takes after his dad!" Could be a quick way to move on?

I've been known to say "genetics are weird aren't they!" To move things on.

God was people are so rude. Id just leave it with 'he's my stepson' and leave it at that.

My friend who has 4 kids gets asked all the time by complete strangers if they are all hers and if they have the same dad!

I've definitely developed some conversation strategies that I didn't have before adopting. I tend to divert as much as possible and try to turn to conversation back on to the nosy person - not in an intrusive way, but in a way that gives them a platform to talk about themselves instead of trying to make small talk about me and my family. You don't owe these people any explanations.

So I would either ignore the question as if I hadn't heard it and ask them a question. Or if that feels too rude (it really isn't given the circumstances) then give a one-word answer and move straight on to them without pausing to draw breath. Weather, the news and something you saw on TV are also useful things to have up your sleeve for a swift change of focus. Hopefully they will quickly realise that you are not going to share and will stop asking questions that you've made it clear you are not going to discuss, but they won't feel told off so nobody loses face.

Example:
Q: Did you adopt him?
A: (No (optional)). I really love your bag. I've been looking for something similar. Where did you get it?

Q: Are you his mum?
A: (Stepmum (optional)). Did you see Boris's speech last night. That was interesting what he was saying about vaccines.

Q: Where is he from?
A: Have you been to Portugal? I've just been looking at flights. We were thinking of going to the Algarve once things have eased up.
Q: [nosey person's experience of Portugal]. So is he from Portugal?
A: No. What are the beaches like? Is there enough to do there? Is it cold there in October?

Just say you are his stepmum and then stamp down hard on or deflect any follow up questions.

I think my answer would depend on who was asking and when. Do you have other children, and so have experience of playground conversations, and is this a big town school or a small village school? Because I think if your dc will potentially know these mothers for a long time, and possibly have play dates at their houses or will bump into them at school events, a bit of charm and diplomacy is going to be the best thing for your step son. Decide what you want people at school generally to know, and then say it, whatever you think their motivations for asking are. If you are happy for everyone to know he is your step son, just say "step son" in a friendly way and smile.

If you tell people to mind their own business in an abrupt way, it might be that it is your step son who suffers because of it in the long run.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this though, if it is related to race,they need to give their heads a wobble.

I'm a black mum to a white child. The nosy questions can be endless! Most people assume I'm a child minder and I've been asked several times how much I charge! Usually I just say yes he's mine and don't elaborate and most people don't really ask any further questions even though you can see the questions swirling.
He once ran in front of me while in Asda and when he got to the crisps he wanted he was shouting "mummy" quite loudly and I was busy at the other end of the isle and I could hear these two women discussing how bad it is for his mum to let him run off on his own. It never occurred to them I was the one he was calling until he ran back to me with the crisps and put them in the trolly. They then proceeded to ask me if he was mine in quite a suspicious manner and I just said yes and moved on.
I could write stories about the amount of times I've had to prove he's mine like when we went on holiday to Greece and the customs people called the British authorities to confirm that my child's passport wasn't fake! Took them 2hrs to do that!

I think customs checking up on facts is a good thing though. Sadly there is a reason why they do.

Aye it's a good thing but I was the only one stopped in a plane full of families with children and he was calling me mummy the whole time and climbing into my lap as kids do. I know a few other adopters who've adopted black kids and they've never had that experience, everyone just assumes adoption but it's never assumed of me for some reason.
I suppose when people talk about transracial adoption it's always assumed white people adopting other ethnicities

Does he call you mum or something else?

If he calls you mum, then just say you're his mum and change the subject.

If he doesn't say he's your step son and change the subject.

If it's completely random strangers that you'll never see again "I don't see how that's any of your business".