Ethnic background of adoptive parents/child

[ScottishBeth]

Partly prompted by the other thread about transracial adoption, but also discussions with our social worker, I have a question about this.

We are in stage 2. We are a white British couple. We were asked about ethnic backgrounds, and we said we didn't feel we'd be able to meet the needs of a child who wasn't white. We were then asked about a child who is white, but is for example Polish, or Irish Traveller - would we be happy adopting a child from that background?

Has anyone got any thoughts or experience about this? In theory we'd be happy to learn about another culture, and introduce aspects of that culture into our lives, but does it work in reality?

@Italiangreyhound

he did actually learn to drum, and in Africa

At the end of our first year I took him on holiday to Gambia and although his birth dad is from southern Africa, I definitley feel he connected with something.
We stayed in a tiny eco camp, owned by a village and away from the main tourist areas. He had a fabulous time with the local kids, but they very much saw him as white, wheras in a majority white country, he is seen as black.
In the evenings we were invited to join the men who worked on the camp and from the village at the fire, they told him folk stories and how to drum. He was very happy to eat Gambian food all week.
But by the end he was desparate for chicken nuggets and chips!

@Ted27 How brilliant you were able to do that with him. Must have been brilliant.

It is also a perfect example (IMHO) of how you have been able to celebrate some of his history and celebrate that part of his life.

@Ted27 I’m reading this thread with interest. The holiday you described sounds amazing but I can pretty much guarantee that both my children would have loved that holiday and felt connected to the people they met. Neither have any African heritage!

This all makes me think of a family member (via marriage not blood) who has Indian parents but was born here. He didn’t grow up speaking his parents language, ate exclusively “British” food and went to a mainly white school. Of course he grew up with his birth parents and siblings and you can’t compare to an adopted child... But in terms of heritage...? When he has visited India it has been purely as a tourist and he feels no connection to the country/culture. He feels 100% British even though he is genetically 100% Indian.

I thought I had strong Scottish heritage on one side and felt a very strong connection. Guess what - turns out I’m as Scottish as a welsh cake and am actually half welsh! Somewhere I have holidayed and enjoyed but feel no connection to at all!

I also know adults with brown skin who were adopted by white families as babies. All in their 40’s and 50’s now. They all just feel British? Just as my friends with brown skin who are 2nd or 3rd generation brits. Of course they’re interested in their cultural heritage but they were born and brought up here. The U.K. is their primary cultural heritage.

These are just my experiences. I’m sure there are many people who feel differently.

I also think of a friend who is mixed race, as is her husband. Their child has 7 nationalities represented in her 8 grandparents! They try to bring aspects of all 7 into their lives but again, she’s U.K. born and she feels very much British but with an interesting background (and relatives all over the world to stay with when she’s older!).

Sorry this is long. I would like to be sitting in a pub garden with you all talking and learning.

It also makes me think about how I’d feel if I had a birth child adopted. Do birth parents get any say in who adopts their children? Can they specify anything at all they want to be included/avoided? Single adopters/ same sex adopters, adopters who practice a particular faith, adopters from a particular culture?

@JinglePies

yes I’m sure your children would have loved that holiday, and of course we can all make connections with people on a human level if we travel with open hearts and minds.

I think your Indian relative sounds quite unusual, all the Indian/Pakistani people I know speak the language of origin, often at home and with older relatives, go to temple/mosque, wear western clothes at work and traditional clothes for family occassions, etc etc. I work in an office building with a very high number of people of Asian origin. We celebrate Eid/Diwali in the same way as we do Christmas, we all look forward to the home made Indian food as much as we do the mince pies and Easter chocolate.
In other words they are connected very strongly to their cultural heritage. That doesnt mean to say they will hop off to India and feel automatically at home. My closest Indian friend will only go to India if she can stay in a 5 star hotel because she finds it all a bit overwhelming.

My son is British born, he is half white, and yes his primary cultural connection is British, nor is Gambia his cultural heritage. But this trip definitely opened his eyes to the other part of his heritage, that there is something else there that makes him who he is.
I also think you have to remember that as a white person you may be regarded differently. The local children saw him as a funny white kid, the adults as some kind of long lost son. We were able to do things and were definitely given ‘access’ to people and situations that we wouldnt have had if were an ordinary white family.

I too have Welsh origins, whilst I love Wales, I don’t feel remotely Welsh, my primary cultural attachment is as a Scouser.

I think you also have to be open to making connections at different levels.

No birth parents don’t really get any say in who adopts their children. They may state some preferences but SWs will ultimately place children where they think best. Where there is a particular cultural heritage SWs will try and match that eg they would try and place a child who would have been brought up Muslim in a Muslim family. But if there is choice between no match and an imperfect cultural match, they will try and place the child. This was the situation for my son.

@Ted27 Thanks so much for your reply. I find it absolutely fascinating. Some of my friends with parents not born here speak another language with their families but most of them speak English only as their mother tongue.

I could happily ask questions about adoption for hours. Everyone’s story is different.

Am I wrong in thinking that in some countries birth parents can choose the adoptive parents? Or is that nonsense from American films?

@JinglePies

America has much more of a private ‘market’
As its a much more religious society, with abortion not readily available in many places, many young unmarried girls will often choose to have their babies adopted. There are adoption agencies who will charge the prospective parents a fortune, the birth mum can choose and will get support with medical bills etc. I understand that sometimes the adoptive parents may be at the birth and there will often be an ongoing relationship.
There will also be the children who are removed for safety, I don’t know how much say the birth parent gets in those situations.

That makes sense. Thank you.

I know this is an old thread but just wanted to give my opinion, as a person who was adopted as a baby and have a fantastic family.

I feel it is very important for the child sake, to look like the adopted parents. Children want to fit in and be the same as their parents. When a child is different to the parents , people comment all the time. They don't mean to and certainly it isn't meant in a rude way but it will always happen. It was important to me that I looked like I "belonged"to my parents.

I hope I don't offend anyone and I certainly don't mean too, just giving my opinion and experience.