Ethnic background of adoptive parents/child

[ScottishBeth]

Partly prompted by the other thread about transracial adoption, but also discussions with our social worker, I have a question about this.

We are in stage 2. We are a white British couple. We were asked about ethnic backgrounds, and we said we didn't feel we'd be able to meet the needs of a child who wasn't white. We were then asked about a child who is white, but is for example Polish, or Irish Traveller - would we be happy adopting a child from that background?

Has anyone got any thoughts or experience about this? In theory we'd be happy to learn about another culture, and introduce aspects of that culture into our lives, but does it work in reality?

This is a particular bugbear of mine. Social workers say ethnicity, and pay lip service to the issues, but all too often mean colour matching, and ignore the real big issues. We are a white minority, having adopted white majority children. I think this is possibly easier than the other way round, but it does get on my tits a bit. Adopting across ethnicities requires self awareness, research, tolerance... As well as all the 'usual' adoption identity issues.

IMO, ethnic minority children should be placed with families that reflect that whenever possible, and if that means targeted recruitment of adopters, so much the better. It's about families for children, after all. And it should be done on ethnicity, not vague colour matching.

To add, where this is done better is in mixed ethnicity children, like in Ted's case, I think it's entirely ok to place children where only one part of ethnicity is reflected, even if colour isn't reflected, as that happens naturally, often. Basically, there's more to this issue than colour.

But for matching criteria, I would advise keep things as open as you can, being clear what are things you think you could never meet a child's needs on, but stay flexible on anything else.

Part of a child's needs is their cultural heritage(This is what we were told at matching). We had to show we could meet those needs as we were not from the same cultural background.

If the area you live in has good ties to that community then that would be seen as an advantage.

There's more to it than living in a diverse area, though. Even if you look the same colour, a traveller, or Jewish, or Gypsy, or Irish, or Polish etc child is going to lose out on their heritage being adopted by a WASP family. There may be reasons that, despite this, a non-matching family could be the best for that child, but it should certainly come in to the weighing up, and shouldn't be a case of "colour matches, tick!" which is what happens. Equally, it happens for other visual 'colours'- a Nigerian child placed with a Jamaican family or vice versa. It's not enough.

Children losing their cultural heritage, on top of everything else, should be avoided if possible, and it's not always possible. But it shouldn't be ignored.

Hmm, why wouldn’t you be able to meet the needs of a child who is not white? I would love to know. In my view, if you can meet the needs of a white child, then you can meet the needs of a child who is not white? I get that perhaps you were trying to express a preference, which is absolutely fine. But your response to the question sounds discriminatory and a bit racist in all honesty. I don’t think you’re being honest with whoever asked you the question (or even with yourself) by giving that answer. I get that you may be trying to look for a child who resembles you, so that people don’t immediately assume that they are adopted and that may be a valid reason. However, when you become an adoptive parent, you can’t really hide from the fact that your child is adopted. It becomes an explicit part of your relationship with the child and something that you talk openly about with the child and people around you. If I was your social worker I would really challenge you on your response and explore with you the basis of your reluctance or concerns regarding adopting a non-white child.

Also, I don’t think your question is very clear. What do you mean by a different culture? Most children who are in care in this country are British. And British society is made up of people with different skin colours and backgrounds, not just white people. The common denominator is that they are all British. What if you adopted a child with biological parents from Poland or Ireland. Why wouldn’t you be able to be an adoptive parent for that child?

For example, in our case we are both Italian, with dark hair, and ended up adopting two blond British children who look nothing like us, with biological relatives from another country. As they grow up we will talk to them about their biological family and we may even travel to their birth parent’s country of origin. It would be irrational to think that we could only adopt children with an olive skin and dark hair and that we wouldn’t be able to meet the needs of children who didn’t look like us.

UKABC, I hope everything works out fine for you and your children, but pretending there aren't issues when children are adopted outside their ethnicity doesn't make the issues go away. Recognising the issues isn't racist. As I posted (at length) it actually should be not just about 'looking like us', and about meeting a child's cultural identity needs.

I'm assuming you meet your children's needs for their identity from the third country? Obviously, living in Britain will help for British children, but the third country, when you already have your Italian culture? That's complex. Denying the complexity will do no one any favours. And it's nto racist to say that.

UKABC, please do some reading about trans-racial adoption. You could start with the recent thread here.

I said in my adoption criteria I would accept a child that was a different ethnicity to my own and would make sure they were involved in and integrated into their ethnicity yet have been refused any interest in children due to ethnicity difference.

@UKABC as suggested it might be useful for you to look at the other thread on the issue. I'm not going to respond to the specifics except to say that our answer was considered reasonable and appropriate.

@Gordongrumpy and @Adoptodad thank you both for your responses. I think she might have specified if the child had one birth parent who was, for example, Polish. I guess what we would say in that situation is we're happy to consider, but would need to actually consider this element.

@Gordongrumpy do you mind if I ask if any specific situations have come up for your family. You may not want to say, and that's fine, but I thought I'd ask.

speaking as one of those rare creatures that is a trans racial adopter, there is a world of difference between adopting a child from a different ethnicity, than a white child.

@UKABC

The simple blunt truth is that in the UK people from ethnic minorities experience prejudice and you have to be able to equip your child to living in a society where other people will judge them, treat them differently and sometimes be just plain hostile to them simply because of the colour of their skin.
As the majority culture or ethnicity, many white people simply do not see the impact of having a brown or black skin.

Of course on one level, anyone can love and care for a child from a different ethnicity. But its not as simple as that.
I would much rather prospective adopters be realistic and honest and say they cannot meet the specific needs of a child of a different ethnicity than hear people prattle on about just wanting a child of whatever colour.

Like it or not racial prejudice exists, its a specific issue which will affect black and minority children, in addition to whatever other needs they have.

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000t1cd/panorama-lets-talk-about-race

@UKABC

if you watch this maybe you will gain some understanding of why there are other issues affecting black and minority ethnic children

@UKABC I think you need to read what adult transracial adoptees have written about the ability of their adoptive parents to meet their needs on a racial level. It is eye opening and sometimes heartbreaking.

You also have a naive view of British identity and race. The idea that most of the children in care in the U.K. are British and will identify as such ignores/fails to acknowledge that being British is not that simple. You give the example of a British child of Irish decent for example and how such a child's parents view their British status would depend in part on whether they were catholic or Protestant. As someone who has adopted a white Welsh child I can tell you that we had to prove that we would be willing and able to promote our child's Welsh identity despite the fact that one of us is Welsh and the other has a long family history involving living and working in Wales for multiple generations.

The view you've expressed is. Wry much in line with current Westminster policy that race shouldn't be a barrier to adoption which also seems to fail to acknowledge the voices of those with the lived experience of being transracially adopted.

I’m sorry, but I completely disagree with most comments on this thread. If you are able to provide love, support, a home, and take care of a child, it shouldn’t really matter where their biological parents come from, the colour of their skin, of their religious affiliation. You will be able to meet the needs of that child. Evidently, I am talking about a very young child (which most adopters look for), not a child who has lived a long time with their biological family and who is adopted at an older age.

When it comes to identity, of course this is important and that adoptive parents with the same cultural background as the biological parents will be better able to relate and explain that cultural background to the adopted child. That doesn’t mean an adoptive parent from a different background won’t. But saying that because I am white I am not able to meet the needs of a mixed race child for example, or a child with biological parents from Poland, would be disingenuous and worthy of challenge. Identify is one of the many needs an adopted child has, and as adoptive parents we are from the get go better able to meet some needs and we learn how to meet others.

I have children with biological parents from a different religion and another country. I don’t need to ‘promote’ that religion to my children as someone as implied. However, I do need to be able to explain what that religion is to my children, along with other religions in the UK, and when they are older that can choose to follow whatever religion they want. I also didn’t need to know all about the country where the biological parents come from. However, I educated myself about it and I do talk to my children about it and we may even travel there one day. However, at the end of the day my children are being brought up in Britain, which is a multicultural country, and are not only learning about the country where they live, but also Italy where we come from, and the country where their biological parents come from. They speak English and Italian, and their needs are being met. They are being brought up to develop their own identity in a 21st century multicultural and open Britain, acknowledging and being aware of their, our and their biological parents background.

And I reiterate the point that I am not challenging the fact that white prospective adoptive parents may express a preference for adopting a white child, with a valid reason. I am challenging the fact that a white adoptive parent would say that they wouldn’t be able to meet the needs of a non-white child, just because of the colour of their skin, as if identity was the only and primary need of an adopted child.

Surely if social workers had to match ethnicity exactly children would be waiting for ages and ages...?

Would it be better for a child to not be adopted rather than adopted by people of slightly different ethnicities??

I am mixed and my child is mixed but different mix. On paper we should look the same but we don’t - I believe this was the criteria (one brown parent, one white parent, tick). We will encourage his ethnic background and teach him about it but I do believe that people often place too much importance on this.

I also think encouraging a particular background when it’s not really present in the birth family is something to be aware of. We have been told that our child is of Eastern European decent, but his birth parents appear to have grown up in England. Basing my view of this type of child at the schools that I have taught in, they may have been born somewhere else but they are very English. I don’t see the point in teaching him about what I think his biological ethnicity might be - as it would be a textbook definition of it and in reality not real. I probably wouldn’t say this to a social worker though, as I’m not sure if they’d want to hear it!

For example, on paper my family are Muslim and therefore don’t drink/smoke.... couldn’t be further from the truth!

It’s got to be tactfully done... not: “oh you’re slightly German, have some sourkraut and wurst”. Teach them what you know - not what you think.

I am not at all dismissive of my child’s background I think I just don’t want them to invent one that isn’t real!!

It's challenging, isn't it? But I don't think that's an excuse to ignore the challenge.

Religions that are part of ethnicity aren't something you can pick off a menu of religions as an adult, that comment shows you don't understand the issue, it's not about religious practice.

One of my concerns is that it places a barrier to relationships with birth family later on, that growing up with a different lens gives. I also worry about them feeling fully part of the community when older. It's sort of usual adoption issues, but a different, additional angle.

I'm not saying there should only be ethically matched adoption. I'm saying that it's a factor that should be considered, and not downplayed, and certainly not diluted to "the colour matches, job's good!" Obviously, a match needs to be looked at in the round, with all factors considered, and no match will be perfect, but may be best for that child at that time.

I just don't think ignoring the issues, thinking "it can't be perfect, therefore we don't need to think about it at all", saying "I disagree, and I'm right!", or thinking that because you as a parent have grown up in an ethnic majority group in your culture, you know what it's like to grow up as a minority group, etc stops there being issues.

Identity is complex, adoption and identity is complex, but it does everyone a disservice to pretend that means ignore it.

@UKABC

the issue is much more than explaining culture or religion. Its not about inventing a culture that isnt real.
You can bang on all you like about Britain being a multi cultural society but your children are WHITE. Your children are never going to be told F* off back home you black c**t.
Sorry to be blunt and crude but thats what black people have to deal with.
please watch that programme and you might gain some insight.

A trans-racial adopter here - I am white British, DDs black African (I was living in their country of birth when I adopted).

Identity is very complex, as are issues of race/ethnicity/skin colour. There is so much it is impossible to understand from the outside. DD2 (aged 13) said a few months ago, about her learning mentor at school, that it is so good to have a black woman to talk to about how she feels, especially as her mentor was also from overseas and also lost a parent at an early age. Three points of contact that I don't have, and all equally valid. I am glad that she has that relationship, to add to the everyday love and care I can give as her mother.

As a general principle, I think the closer the match between child and adoptive parent(s) the better. Race/ethnicity is are important factors - although of course not the only factors.

It has opened my eyes to the everyday experience of people from ethnic minorities. DD2 has been racially abused on the bus on the way to school, which was a very direct threatening experience, but simply having to think about race so much of the time to protect yourself was a eye opening. Will I be welcome here (at school, on holiday, at the shop etc etc) because of the colour of my skin? I grew up without ever having to consider that. For my DDs, it is something they have to consider to some degree every day.

We are lucky in that - because I lived in their country of birth - I was able to find friends and places where their birth heritage is the norm. It is more difficult here in the UK, but we have the friends and contacts still from overseas. DD1 is still there at university, and is bi-lingual and bi-cultural, as so is able to act as a 'bridge' to DD2 who was much younger when they came to live with me.

Sorry for the ramble - what I am saying is that race/ethnicity matters. Other factors matter too, but to simply say 'love overcomes everything' does not reflect the experience of trans-racially adopted people.

Pp, you're right about the stereotyping of "you're German, here- wurst!" Isn't helpful. That's not what I'm suggesting, that's exactly the oversimplification that I don't think is ok. After all, any ethnic group can eat wurst.

What the child loses, or gains but birth family doesn't, is the subtle parts of ethnicity- the subtle attitudes, the myths, the gestures, the sayings, the shibboleths, the tells that build identity. Of course, at a big level that happens with adoption anyway, at family level. But if it can be avoided at community/ethnicity level, then it's a level of loss and difficulty, and issues, that can, and should imo, be avoided, when it can be. When considered alongside everything else for that individual. I just don't believe in ignoring it.

@Gordongrumpy you've put it very well.

DD1 - 13 when she came to live with me - can greet others from her birth culture appropriately, given the many subtle distinctions of status within their culture. She knows when someone should be aunty/uncle or brother/sister. When you make eye contact and when you don't. The topics that should or should not be discussed.

DD2 - 5 when she came to live with me - doesn't. She knows how to be polite in my culture, in her birth culture she needs it to be known why she misses the cues (even before you get to why she only knows the basics of her mother tongue).

Oh, and DD1 is 'fluent' in my culture, but it is learnt. And therefore not 'home'. I hope she will come to the UK for a while for the experience and to spend time with us (she is studying SW and the qualification is recognised here), but I doubt the UK will become her home. Whereas DD2 would struggle to go back to her country of birth.

@Gordongrumpy @Allington @ifchocolatewerecelery

I agree with everything you said.

The issues are much more complex for children who are not white.
My son is British, he likes McDs, pizza and footie. I’m not about to go off in searchmof zebra burgers or warthog sausages and make him go to drumming lessons.
But he is not white, and that presents issues for him. And if you don’t understand and accept that, then you are absolutely not the right person to adopt a child who is not white.

We were very happy to adopt a child of a different ethnicity to us. However, the only child of mixed heritage we did have a chance to offer to adopt, we did, and we were not accepted. I think it is almost certainly because we are a white couple. Which we totally accepted as fine.

I sincerely hope that little girl found a good and happy family. Our little boy is a delight and we are very happy to have adopted him 7 years ago.

I totally agree with Ted, and others, ethnicity is important, it is part of who we are and may shape our experiences in many ways. It is certainly true these children need a happy, healthy family, and parents of any ethnicity might be able to provide that. But failing to notice that ethnicity, culture and skin colour can impact our experiences as people will not be helpful.

And Ted my son would love drumming lessons!!!

@ScottishBeth in terms of your initial question, when we considered adopting from China, initially, I thought I would be willing to learn Mandarin. I had already lived abroad in Asia and studied Mandarin so it didn't feel like such a stretch. The reality of learning a very difficult language may well have defeated me.

When we considered the mixed heritage child I mentioned above, part of her heritage was Muslim. We are Christians and, again, that may have gone against us. But my initial investigations were to speak to a friend who works at a multi faith centre and make sure I could at least have given the little girl an understanding of her Muslim heritage.

In terms of the question of a Polish background, Jewish or whatever, there may be ways you could help to explain the child's heritage, bring that heritage alive through food, language etc. That is what we planned to do if we had been approved to adopt the mixed heritage child I mentioned.

Fair enough wanting a child who fits in with your appearance and whatever bit race really isn't a barrier.

Many white people mixed children with varying phenotypes. I myself am mixed (very fair) with a black child.

There's no reason why you couldn't learn new recipes, learn to care for their hair (if black), introduce them to other people of their ethnicity, maybe help with language (but honestly many non white people don't speak their parents language)

In short, you can if you want to, just sounds like you want a white child which is fine.