"So, why are they adopting?"

[Notsofunnynow]

Hi everyone,

I adopted my DC a few years ago, and we couldn't be happier. I love my child more than anything.

A couple that I'm friends with have one birth DC, and have chosen to have their second child by adoption. They don't have fertility issues, just would prefer to adopt. Fab and we are very excited for them.

My Mum asked me today, "Oh, why would they want to do that?" and it made me feel like she saw adopting a child as a second best option. I completely disagree - my DC is not second best!

Has anyone else had this? It's been said to me in similar ways a few times, and I would really like a good come back? If you have had this, what did you say? I don't want an argument, just a phrase that implies "that's a bit rude, adoption is a valid first choice because it's fantastic"

I hope I've explained that properly, I'm not so good at writting things down!

In a similar vein, another friend said recently (when discussing future plans), "Of course I want to have my own (bio) children". It felt like she wanted me to reply with "Oh yeah having bio children would be much better" which obviously is not how I feel! My DC is perfect!

I also wonder if I'm being too sensitive about this - please tell me if I am haha!

I don't think adopting is second best.
But there is no denying that it is a lot simpler for most people to have a biological child than to adopt.
So I think it is a valid question myself.

Having a bio child is something many people fall into.
Adoption is a very active choice.

I think it’s one of those things people say without thinking. The vast majority of people with have bio children - it’s simpler, often an unconscious choice and seen to be the norm.

I tend to ignore tbh, because I’m often just not in the mood to explain or challenge. With my own D.C. I explain that there are lots of ways to make a family, and adoption is a fabulous way to do that. They know they weren’t my second choice and that’s all that matters tbh. I also think folk often underestimate how hard it can be to get pregnant and have a healthy baby so I tend to smile and nod at those kinds of comments.

No wise words but A Family is like a Cake book sprung to mind.

You could always say you're doing a wonderful thing for a child in need, while also doing a wonderful thing for the planet by not contributing to overpopulation?

Thanks all, yes I suppose its not the norm, and having a bio baby is seen as simpler. So why would you go against the grain and do something more complicated! I'm perhaps reading too much into what was a simple, albeit nosey, question.

And my DC will always know they are not second best!

The process is so difficult - I would internally question why anybody would adopt. I'm so disillusioned with the process. I love my current child but the process of adopting their biological sibling has just been delay after delay after delay - as though nobody has the child's best interests at heart.

I would, like your mum, question close friends/family, but never the people themselves as that would be quite insensitive.

My child was always option number 1 - and so will my future child. But really if me and my partner could stick our private parts together and make a child then we would have done it in a flash... shame our private parts match and so it won't happen without heavy scientific involvement and research............

@Notsofunnynow

And my DC will always know they are not second best!

This is the most important thing.

Some people do see adoption as 'second best', a few of my family members feel that way. Some other family members have loved with all their hearts children that have no biological link to them.

Your child knows they are your first choice. Keep reminding them of that fact, and ignore any thoughtless comments, you sound like a lovely mum.

I get it OP. I foster a child. He has been with him since he was give and now he is almost 15. He has a moderate learning Disability but has come on so much now he will be able to take some GCSE'S after years of having a tutor twice a week. I would love to adopt him but have been told no his court order is long term adoption. He is in contact with his biogical father who refuses to agree to adoption. Either way he lives with me and we make each other happy. He is my family.

I totally agree with UnderTheNameOfSanders

"I don't think adopting is second best.
But there is no denying that it is a lot simpler for most people to have a biological child than to adopt.
So I think it is a valid question myself.

Having a bio child is something many people fall into.
Adoption is a very active choice."

Personally, I would not want to suggest i was doing a child a favour or saving the planet etc. I had wanted to adopt ever since I heard about the situation with children who were waiting to be adopted and it just felt like the right thing to do.

However, i did also want another child by being pregnant and tried very hard to do it.

The only person who really matters for me is my son and he needs to know that I am delighted that he is my son. having a second child for us was really complicated and hard and I do tell special friends about our journey, and annonymous people here! But not everyone I meet!

It’s not second best (and our children aren’t second best) but for many (most?) of us, it’s the second or third thing we try.

It’s not surprising other people see it the same way.