Feeling so sad for my son who is struggling with friendships

[iamadramallama]

Hi there,

Looking for some help or maybe just reassurance or maybe just to get this off my chest....who knows

My son is now 12, placed at nearly 5 after being taken into care at 3. I think he's struggling so much with relationships because he missed out on so much in his early years and just feel so bloody sad. His attachment style (not formally assessed - my view not a professional one) looks like this -

He crowds new friends, is all over them, can't get enough of them. If they show interest he gets bored and drops them. It's like the more they like him, the more likely he is to get bored. But children who are distant with him, he wants to be their friend.

He's been in floods of tears today about a fall out with one of his friends.

Another of his longer term friends has started ignoring him on WhatsApp because he's been distant with him for the past few weeks. Fair enough, my son has been distant so I understand why his friend has gone cold but I just feel so sad for my son. I worry how he will make and keep relationships.

God I am even more sad now I've written this. I don't know how I can help him. I talk to him about these things all the time. We chat, I try and explain and gently coach him but I can't be by his side all the time managing his relationships.....he needs to learn tough lessons about what it takes to maintain relationships?? We had a chat over dinner tonight about plants needing water and sunlight like friendships do - I was clutching at straws.

Any help or just a hand to hold welcomed thanks for reading

I like your plants analogy, I'm going to use that. I'm sorry your son is having such a hard time.

I dimly recall something from early adopter training about this - excellent skills at making friends and put huge energy into it, because this comes from survival instinct to make sure they have a safe ally or feel safe themselves. But find it really hard to sustain the friendships because of a combo of not experiencing consistent stable early relationships / deliberate sabotage by spoiling or neglecting the friendship as they keep control that way and feel unworthy of the positive friendship. It's incredibly sad and very hard to watch.

I wonder if the assoc of therapeutic parents might have materials or resources to help? Also, if my child's class is anything to go by, a lot of them are struggling with friendships after the lockdown - do you think school might consider running some friendship groups or something?

Hi,
Our LO is younger (7) and only been with us for a few months but I can hear similarities between them. He gets really over the top when he makes new friends and doesn't really get bored but doesn't know what to do with them when he has them. He's terrible at playinging with children his own age because of a competitive edge to things which he doesn't have with younger or immature children. I know he's younger so it's easier to manage but we're doing lots of focused play dates so he and his friends can do an activity together (like den building) or short trips to the park. He's also meeting up with some younger children who want to play like he does. I've noticed that due to a much younger emotional age he really seems to put a lot of pressure on himself when he's with children his own age but when he's with 5 or young 6yr olds he's really comfortable.

I might be totally wrong but I wonder if he's getting too much independence with his friendships and play which would be totally normal for most 12 yr olds? Our LO's often are younger emotionally even after a number of years so maybe he isn't ready to manage friendships on his own. Could you organise occaional trips or activities with him and his long term friend that you are involved in. I'm not sure what you have but maybe Swimming (when the pools open), bike rides, taking the two of them to a park away from their usual one? I know it might sound daft and he won't want you with him all the time but if they have a good friendship and he just isn't sure how to be a friend you could help him nurture that without being too interfering.

@MutteringDarkly

I like your plants analogy, I'm going to use that. I'm sorry your son is having such a hard time.

I dimly recall something from early adopter training about this - excellent skills at making friends and put huge energy into it, because this comes from survival instinct to make sure they have a safe ally or feel safe themselves. But find it really hard to sustain the friendships because of a combo of not experiencing consistent stable early relationships / deliberate sabotage by spoiling or neglecting the friendship as they keep control that way and feel unworthy of the positive friendship. It's incredibly sad and very hard to watch.

I wonder if the assoc of therapeutic parents might have materials or resources to help? Also, if my child's class is anything to go by, a lot of them are struggling with friendships after the lockdown - do you think school might consider running some friendship groups or something?

Thanks yes I remember that too but had forgot so that's super helpful. I get very angry thinking about the impact his early neglect has had but I know I can't change it, only try and help him manage it with coping strategies etc.

Thanks again for replying

@Runner31

Hi, Our LO is younger (7) and only been with us for a few months but I can hear similarities between them. He gets really over the top when he makes new friends and doesn't really get bored but doesn't know what to do with them when he has them. He's terrible at playinging with children his own age because of a competitive edge to things which he doesn't have with younger or immature children. I know he's younger so it's easier to manage but we're doing lots of focused play dates so he and his friends can do an activity together (like den building) or short trips to the park. He's also meeting up with some younger children who want to play like he does. I've noticed that due to a much younger emotional age he really seems to put a lot of pressure on himself when he's with children his own age but when he's with 5 or young 6yr olds he's really comfortable. I might be totally wrong but I wonder if he's getting too much independence with his friendships and play which would be totally normal for most 12 yr olds? Our LO's often are younger emotionally even after a number of years so maybe he isn't ready to manage friendships on his own. Could you organise occaional trips or activities with him and his long term friend that you are involved in. I'm not sure what you have but maybe Swimming (when the pools open), bike rides, taking the two of them to a park away from their usual one? I know it might sound daft and he won't want you with him all the time but if they have a good friendship and he just isn't sure how to be a friend you could help him nurture that without being too interfering.

Thanks great suggestions and the events of this week have definitely made me realise some of the independent play time may need to be more structured. We sat and played cards together for ages last night and he was super calm and it was lovely. It's difficult when both me and his dad need to work at home so amuses himself a lot....too much (guilty working mum alert!).

I think I will give the summer holidays some thought for different activities with his friends that aren't Fortnite too!!

I recently bought mine a load of books about friendships to help mine, such as How to Make & Keep Friends: Tips for Kids to Overcome 50 Common Social Challenges:
by Nadine Briggs, Donna Shea

Might be worth a try?

I think @Runner31 has given great advice.

Could you sign him up for an activity that is social but structured like scouts? I think a lot of kids' activities actually don't improve friendship skills because they are so focused on the activity (eg team sports). I would also try to find groups that are maybe a year or two younger than him, so he plays roughly age appropriately but has a bit more time to catch up. That is working well for my kids.

I would also emphasise how great he is at making friends and that it clearly shows he is very likeable and good with people. It is "just" the management of friendships where he needs to learn. I would tell him that lots of kids that age find friendships hard.

Thanks scully will have a look at that book

Thanks Yolande yes I think I need to add more encouragement I can be a bit critical sometimes (and with myself lol)

Since posting last night, today has been such a better day. He had a good lie in, was less tired, and has reconnected with the friend I thought he'd lost, so maybe the little coaching helped - god this parenting stuff is so hard! Pass the wine

Thanks to everyone that's replied I am so grateful

I haven't tried out this theory yet but my LO is also going to be doing some individual activities like rock climbing. My theory is that an individual acivity will have the usual physical energy burning benefits but also build confidence in himself. I want him to do something where he is reliant mostly on himself so his achievement will be his. I know that will be struggle for him at times but my theory is that he will be more confident in building friendships if he is more confident in himself. I'm hoping a combination of structured activities with friends and some individual ones will build his own identity and belief in himself......and then again it might totally backfire but it makes sense to me.

Runner31, sounds like a very good plan. Low self confidence can be such a difficult one to work on can't it.
If you met my son you'd think he was super confident but underneath all his chatter and outgoing nature, he has low self esteem/self belief but hides it well. A coping mechanism he's learned young maybe x

Sounds a lot like our LO. We're always hearing 'hasn't he settled well, look how happy he is' and you should have seen him chatting away to the hairdresser the other day! The school love how he participates (a master at people pleasing) but the reality is he is terrified of being himself and he isn't even sure who that person is. He has worked out how to be the person people want him to be and with friends that's hard because he tries to make friends with people who he thinks he should be friends with rather than the ones he likes most.

Sorry to hear your son isn't having the best time. We're brand new to this but if you're a member of adoption now they've got a webinar next month that may be of help / interest x

www.inspiretraininggroup.com/events-1/why-cant-my-child-keep-friends-2

Hi my son moved in with me at 5 and had similar difficulties throughout primary. I applied to the adoption fund to get some art therapy which was amazing for building his self esteem generally and also working through relationships/friendships etc. Now at 16 he has a great group of friends that couldn’t work better for him. Good luck it’s a tricky time 😊

Beat advise I was ever given about friendship is that you have to be a friend to have friends. He needs to learn how to be a friend, it’s a skill. Maybe focus on what it means to be a friend and how it is not always easy to be one either.

I'm not an adopter, but I have similar disorganised attachment, though for me it manifests in relationships rather than friendships.

There's great advice above.

For me it felt like a very strong subconscious insinct that people who wanted to be with me were boring and pathetic, whereas people who didn't want me were cool, high status, attractive. Basically "if they like me, there must be something wrong with them"!

I think a couple of things might help:

1. Anything that builds his self esteem and sense that his inner self is likeable, loveable. Obviously you will be doing that already. But you could point out from time to time "you're good at telling jokes/ being empathetic / thinking up fun plans..., that makes you a great friend".

1. Help him to find other ways to judge his friendships than just his attachment instinct, which until healed will pull him towards rejection. Talk about what makes him happy and sad in a friendship, and help him notice those actions in his friends.

For me, trauma work and journaling is gradually helping heal my instinctive reactions. But in the meantime I have made a written list of qualities I require in a relationship (e.g. emotionally available, no addictions, kind). I know that chemistry and instinct will tend to lead me astray, so i need the list too!