Have any adoptees adopted?

[CLSB]

I find this board so useful, so thank you all.

My husband and I are preparing to start our adoption journey (we are reading lots of books about adoption/PACE parenting, watching documentaries etc.) However, I recently was speaking to a friend, who is a social worker and one of our biggest supporters, and she flagged that I will likely need to prove that I have dealt with any issues I may have about being adopted myself, especially the not wanting to meet my birth parents (I have met birth grandparents and half brother.)

She suggested I do a few sessions with a counsellor with experience of adoption, and gave me a few names, and she said they can then write a letter to vouch that I have explored all issues. So, I have some sessions booked in. I am actually (in a weird way) looking forward to it, as there are a few minor behaviours I had as a child (and as an adult), that I have recognised throughout the reading I have been doing.

However, I would love to hear how other adoptees were questioned around their adoption during the process?

Thanks all

I'm not an adoptee, but I know there are adoptee adopters here who will be better placed to advise. I could only see it as an asset. They may want to explore how you'd feel if your children made different choices regarding contact, but really, having that lived experience as an adoptee would be invaluable for empathy.

Therapy is nearly always useful, if you want to do it, but do it for you, not the process.

Yep, I have. It was, indeed, nothing but a selling point for the reasons Percy suggests.

I'm quite sceptical about the therapy suggestion but I certainly think it's worth interrogating your feelings about your adoption because you'll need to articulate your motivation to adopt. I don't think you'll need a piece of paper to show you've done that.

Thanks both for replying. I really do appreciate it.

Regarding the counselling, doing research has definitely opened my eyes to some attachment/abandonment behaviours that I definitely had as a child (and to an extent, as an adult.) Which I definitely found perplexing, as I am (and always have been) super close to my family, and honestly they were amazing, they always lifted my voice up and supported me. Just shows that no matter how good an adoption placement is, there is likely some rejection or other feelings there.

Thanks again

Hi there. Not quite the same but my mum (so Grandma to my kids) is adopted). Obviously its been really great for my kids to know that their Grandparent is adopted too. The only slight issue (and one you might want to think about) is that it is sometimes hard for her to accept that adoption is a difficult thing for a child to go through and that this might have some long lasting effects. She knows deep down that this is true but I think she has spent her while life trying not to think of the negatives and the sadness and also she had a lovely life with adoptive parents. Denial has been a survival strategy for her so it is hard to admit that adoption is not just rosy and lovely. Im not sure that im explaining this well but I Hope this makes sense.

Thank you for sharing that :). It really does mean a lot to me.

100% agree that being in denial can be an issue, I know of a few adopted adults who are now having to face many unprocessed feelings, which sadly is tearing their lives apart. On top of the more traditional denial coping mechanism, I am sadly seeing an awful lot of anti-adoption (not adoption reform) rhetoric, all over social media (thankfully not from my friends, but random people), and this must be so hard for adopted people, adoptive parents and to some extent, birth parents. Maybe it was always there, and people are now just have the platform and the confidence to put it out there.

One of the main reasons I want to be aware of everything in my past, and doing lots of research for the future, is because we know that not every child feels the same and has their own trauma. If they wanted to meet their bio families, I would be fully supportive + ensure they knew their full story (in an age appropriate way.) One thing I would do differently to my parents, I would probably get them counselling at a much younger age than I was.

Thank you again :)

Hi I was adopted, don’t have contact with BP, siblings that I grew up with or half siblings also don’t have any relationship with adoptive father.. I have birth children and decided later on in life that I wanted to adopt. We adopted our little one without any problems, I was very open and honest about my life, and they asked me about needing any emotional therapy or support, I said I had never felt the need, but if I did in the future I would feel happy to have therapy etc. I felt my childhood not being normal or happy was seen as a positive, as I had experienced a lot. We are 4 years in now, and couldn’t be happier

I was an adoptee and am now grandparent of an adopted child. One of the main things I recognise is just how different adoption is now. I was ‘relinquished’ as a baby because of the stigma and shame around illegitimacy back in the 1950s. My grandchild was adopted because the birth parents were unable to keep them safe. I know that the traumas my grandchild has suffered are very different to mine because of our circumstances. But at the same time, I do have a close bond with my adopted grandchild. I have birth grandchildren too and love them all
the same - there are no favourites. But the bond I have with my adopted grandchild is a kind of recognition that we have both experienced the trauma of separation from our birth mother. We are both ‘different’ to our adoptive families, but very much loved and very much at the heart of the family. Under it very much as a positive. My grandchild is not old enough yet to fully understand about adoption, but in future it is something we will have in common.

Thank you for sharing your experiences/stories, I find it so useful in this journey (and helps alleviates some worry.) I am genuinely so grateful.

@user1497873278 I am so happy that everything worked out and is going well! And thank you for sharing with me your experience of the process, as when my friend (social worker) said this, I got a little anxious!

@mrsmatty that is so special, and although circumstances may be very different, I am sure your grandchild will take comfort in knowing that you are.

CLSB feel free to ask me anything, I was very much made to feel that my life experience so far, was a bonus and certainly not a problem, it’s how you deal with issues, or future issues that my SW was more concerned with