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Adoption

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Original poster

2.5 weeks in and finding it so hard!!

17 replies

Fakinit03 · 02/04/2021 09:53

So after a great start our LO (14 months) has started getting molars through 2.5 weeks into placement. It's such bad timing! She is unsettled through the night but if we try to pick her up to comfort her she gets hysterical so our only alternative is to just try singing to her why she writes about in her cot. Through the day she's constantly asking to be picked up and then instantly wants out down. Although she wants picked up she doesn't want cuddled just held. Her nose is super snotty and she gets hysterical everytime I wipe her nose. She also has an eye infection which we have no choice but to pin her down 4 times a day and put drops in. This is all getting in the way of us bonding.
We have a 4yr old so have been through teething before but this is all so different because we have no bond.
We're all exhausted today and I just feel like a terrible terrible person because I know why she's so upset and shes not feeling great and she probably doesn't feel like she can get much comfort from us but I'm struggling to feel much more than irritated by the whole situation. Which I know is awful.
How long did it took for others to feel a connection with their lo? I thought I was feeling a good connection growing through intros but now it feels like that has disappeared. I know its probably a temporary phase but I'm struggling this morning.

OP posts:

percypetulant · 02/04/2021 10:00

You're doing well. It takes months to get a real "connection" and stop feeling like you're babysitting someone else's child. Don't worry, it comes.

Eat chocolate, drink wine, sleep as much as you can, and face each day a new, you're doing amazingly. The love will grow. Your feelings are natural, but they won't last. Try and watch her sleeping for a bit (but FFS, don't wake her!!! Haha)

It will pass. It's normal. You're doing it right.

scully29 · 02/04/2021 10:03

Oh it sounds so hard. you are doing well! id go with calpol and cebebbies today and get some rest snuggled on the sofa together?

Adoptodad · 02/04/2021 10:16

There is a rocker that attaches to a buggy, they are on amazon for about 30 quid (they looks like a rocket and just vibrate) and this worked so well for us to sooth our Little bundle when he came to us at about the same age.

As we did not know there tells etc settling them was a nightmare. The rocker fixed that so fast I can honestly say the best thing we ever bought.

You will get there are you learn more about them. I recall singing a million verses of five little ducks to try and get them settled.

Good luck you will get through it and soon they will like they where never not part of your family.

121Sarah121 · 02/04/2021 11:28

It is so hard. You are doing great meeting her needs.

Jellycatspyjamas · 02/04/2021 12:00

Well done, it can be very hard to say you’re struggling especially when you’ve been through the wringer just to get to this point.

It takes time in the best of circumstances, and these aren’t the best of circumstances. Are there things you can do to help the pain, calpol, cold flannels to suck on etc? Anything that helped your older child?

It’s super early days and she’ll be terrified as well as in pain poor soul, you know this but the reality of a scared, sore child is very hard indeed. Will she settle at all - in her pram, in front of the tv, in the bath? Can you tag team with anyone to give you some respite (eg a partner).

I think this is one of those “just get through it” situations where whatever gives you all the easiest time is fine - easy food for you all, too much tv, etc etc. You can establish better routines once things are a bit more settled, just now it’s about surviving.

Headlightsondarkroads · 02/04/2021 18:02

You may find sitting on the floor works for her as she can have comfort more easily on her terms rather than needing to be picked up. Our son came home at the same age and we had a new tooth each week for about 2 months 🙈 it was Really tough! You're doing great. It took months for me to feel like I had any bond with ours, and even now I have days where I don't feel entirely bonded, which I think is quite normal.
Try to take a little time out if your able too.

FoolShapeHeart · 02/04/2021 21:59

On a purely practical note, Anbesol was s godsend for my lo, who was teething for months before any actually cut through. One dab on a clean finger & wipe on the offending tooth every 4 hours - doesn't last forever but was enough to get my lo back to sleep x

Headlightsondarkroads · 03/04/2021 07:17

I have to second the anbesol! Absolute godsend!

Original poster

Fakinit03 · 03/04/2021 08:40

Thanks everyone for your suggestions!
Anbesol worked great for my son but lo will not tolerate at all she really hates it, teething powders seem to help between calpol and nurofen though.
I bought a humidifier yesterday and had it on through the night and she slept much better so we're all feeling a lot better this morning!
It's so weird you think you're prepared for all this but actually living through it is so different!

OP posts:

Italiangreyhound · 04/04/2021 01:32

Our birth child is now 16 and our adopted son came at 3 so teething is a very distant memory! But can you get to the chemist for anything to help? Those teething rings you put in the freezer or gel or anything?

Hang on in there, it gets better.

Italiangreyhound · 04/04/2021 01:33

You are doing great.

SmaugMum · 05/04/2021 21:40

Anbesol liquid for the teething, if you haven’t tried this already, it’s an absolute game changer. It’s an anecdotal given that the majority of newly-placed children and their parents will succumb to illnesses in the immediate after-math of post-placement. Everyone is stressed to the hilt which, I guess, impacts on the immune systems.

Maybe try to reframe this time as an opportunity to stay at home with your new baby for a week or so? I know how hard this is as I’ve just completed supervision of a 10-day isolation period of one of my two adopted children as a single parent. If there are two of you, then can the other parent take your four-year-old out to the park/for a walk while your poorly toddler has some one-on-one time with you?

SmaugMum · 05/04/2021 21:41

Oops! Should have rtft! Just seen your reference to Anbesol!

user64332 · 07/04/2021 14:20

Do you have a sling? I would get a toddler carrier, and put her on your back as often as possible. Then she has the security and will help to form an attachment but without her feeling like she is being hugged. Is she in her own room? Can you put her in your room? She is probably scared of being in her own room and with you but knowing she is not alone and has no pressure to be held might help. Also try white/brown/pink noise. The noise from the humidifier is probably what helped.

Original poster

Fakinit03 · 07/04/2021 21:19

@user64332 yes I tried putting her on my back but she got so hysterical I didn't even finish putting it on. She is also already in our room and has been from the start.
We had a few lovely days where she was right back to her happy little self that we met at the start and that has really helped me. The teeth are not yet through so they've started up again yesterday but that few days gave me hope and perspective and I definitely felt I can see myself loving this child. Her eye is better now and the snotty nose is coming to an end! Another tough few days ahead I feel but hopefully we might get some respite once they're through

OP posts:

iamadramallama · 07/04/2021 22:01

Hi there - I adopted a nearly 5 year old so have no teething wisdoms to share but sending sympathy and hope things improve soon.

On the topic of worrying that you aren't feeling the connection yet. I've been really open about this with other adoptive parents because I think it's a bloody important thing to say out loud....not everyone does have that connection from day one. It's not always love at first sight. I didn't like my son much when he arrived. I worried I never would and wouldn't feel the love I hoped for. It came. It took a while but it was a slow build to a place where I love that boy with all I have! My heart hurts I love him so much. So please don't worry if the connection takes a while - sounds like you're doing great. Take one day at a time x

Runner31 · 11/04/2021 18:24

Hi,
I have no teething experience but 3 months in and it hardly ever feels like faking it now. Don't get me wrong, part of that is that faking it is now coming naturally but what is not faked is that I am fiercely protective of our LO and have had some big 'mummy bear' moments with social work about him. My partner and I talked openly with each other, and still do about how easy life used to be but now, we can't imagine life without him. Even if it is stressful, exhausting and the adoption process frazzles my brain. The love is growing daily and the laughs increasing which is about all we're aiming for at the moment.

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