Adoption and views on parents' personal interests?

[prospectivemum]

This may be an odd question, but are there any adoptive parents out there who are a bit alternative/goth?

I was thinking about home inspections etc, and investigation into our current lives - my partner and I are gothy sort of geeks, I have piercings/tattoos and colourful hair, but the more obvious thing is probably our house. We have a minimal decor style but most rooms are painted black/dark grey and we have a few decorative skulls around and horror movie posters. Nothing gory or especially graphic, more this kind of art:

www.darkcitygallery.com/category_s/2036.htm (not an ad, I've just bought from here before!)

We don't agree with showing horror movies to children, obviously, though we do love Halloween and reading Funny Bones to my nephew... he loves childlike spooky stuff. I suddenly started worrying, if we eventually start the adoption journey, we'll be seen in the wrong way or SS will think our art might scare the children? I'm an artist myself and sometimes use dark themes, and though my partner is a scientist, he also has some creepy toy soldiers around the place (Games Workshop style). Obviously if a child was frightened by something in particular we would move it.

Has anyone had similar and it was seen negatively?

I think this is a difficult one. You absolutely need to be yourselves but maybe this is where you start thinking about changing your life to meet the needs of a child rather than just expecting a child to fit into yours.

I have some very dark colours in my house, what stops rooms looking like a cave is cream curtains and white above the picture rails. Kitchen, bathroom, dining room are all bright colours.

I would at the very least redecorate what would be the child’s room so thats is bright and welcoming.

Ive no idea what games workshop style is but you call them creepy. I wouldnt be too thrilled about the skulls and posters either - could you not think about just keeping those things to your bedroom ?

Its all very well saying you would move things if the child was scared but you probably should be thinking in terms of not scaring them in the first place. Remember that we are talking about children who are already traumatised.
Social workers tend to be a fairly conservative bunch, my first SW thought I was ‘alternative’ because I grew veggies in the garden.

But I have come across no issue in adopters lives that wasnt
insurmountable if the adopters were willing to adjust.

Hi, thanks for the reply. We have an anatomical/medical style poster in the living room for example and a silver skull ornament in the bedroom. So not realistic skulls or gory. The posters are in the hallway so not seen a lot. Most are actually sci fi prints in frames. What would be the child's room is not decorated yet and I plan to paint it white. When I say 'creepy' about toy soldiers I just mean some of them are Orks/goblins like in Lord of the Rings, they would be confined to the attic mostly as they're delicate anyway.

We redecorated in a very normal style (neutrals) and removed all of our collectibles that could've been considered scary just to be safe before we started home study. We kept our games related memorabilia out though, our custom games related art work is still on display.

I am heavily tattooed with bright hair and this hasn't been a problem.

We have all of our DnD miniatures on display in the living room in a cabinet (locked so child cannot get into it) but we've never been told anything was considered scary.

Hi @prospectivemum I think your post is really interesting and you have had some excellent answers. None of us are 'cookie cutter parents'. Difference/ diversity should be welcomed. I myself am a bit quirky and am an adopter with a disability! ☺
The fact that you are able to reflect on this early without being prompted by a SW and your ability to be flexible to understand and meet the needs of a child should be celebrated.
Don't loose your sense of self and personality. Just maybe review things that have been mentioned and adjust as needed. 😊

I’d agree with @Ted27, start looking at your home through the eyes of an already traumatised child who hasn’t grown up with you and your tastes. Your house doesn’t need to be primary colours and plastic, but dark walls etc can feel oppressive and scary to children at the best of times and I’d be tucking the horror movie posters out of sight if only because I’d not want my kids to be asking to watch Psycho at age 5.

Alternative lifestyle is absolutely fine, but you do need to be able to adjust and adapt to having children around who may not cope with stuff that a birth child might. That’s not necessarily about goth lifestyle specifically but, for example, adoptive parents need to consider their use of alcohol (can be triggering for children removed due to alcohol misuse), large family gatherings (may be overwhelming for children who have heightened responses due to trauma), food choices (adopted children may not tolerate a “healthy” diet). It’s not just about what you think might be obviously scary or difficult, it’s about what adopted children may bring with them that means certain things might have a different significance.

For example, I’ve worked with kids exposed to very inappropriate movies, who would happily sit and watch something like IT, and wouldn’t show obvious signs of being scared, but whose responses are all out of kilter due to trying to process adult themes at such a young age. They might appear to cope well in a setting like yours, but actually struggle long term.

There’s nothing that can’t be overcome, with potential adopters being very prepared to be flexible and adapt to the needs of children that might be placed with them.

Hi prospectivemum I am not sure your hair colour would be an issue at all. However, if your home is black/dark grey then I think that would seem potentially not ideal for young children.

I think the thing to remember is adopted children have often been through traumatic experiences so depending on what those were and how old the child was when they came to live with you, they may find things like those posters a bit upsetting.

You said "Obviously if a child was frightened by something in particular we would move it." But a child may not feel able to complain about something in their home, or able to say that they didn't like something.

Clearly, if you adopted a baby that would be less likely to be an issue.

But i do agree with what other posters say about social workers.

start looking at your home through the eyes of an already traumatised child who hasn’t grown up with you and your tastes

And also start looking at your home through the eyes of an already conventional social worker who may perceive unwillingness to adapt your lifestyle choices to suit a traumatised child as unsuitability to adopt.

I'm not saying you would be unwilling to change but once the child is with you would be way too late to sway the social worker's opinion of you as potential parents. Just like they'd pre-judge you if you refused to consider moving your priceless collection of Ming vases from the stairs or changing your plan to let the pet cobra share the child's bedroom.

In the end what's the value to you of a couple of tins of magnolia compared to a lifetime being parents? Good luck

And also start looking at your home through the eyes of an already conventional social worker who may perceive unwillingness to adapt your lifestyle choices to suit a traumatised child as unsuitability to adopt.

Absolutely, one of the things sw need to assess is your capacity for change, because you’re inviting into your life a huge change, physically, emotionally, relationally and they need to know you can and are willing to facilitate and cope with that change. Usually as you go through the process your views and values change as you think about adding to your family so don’t think you need to be a finished product now, just being open (as you’ve shown here) is a good place to start from.

I am a retired SW and sit on adoption panels. I would advise you to be your true authentic selves but also be clear up front that you are willing to discuss and change any aspects of your decor and lifestyle preferences which might not be useful for a traumatised child whilst still retaining your personalities and likes.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I will take it all into account. If it helps I've attached pics (from pinterest) similar to the kind of decor in my house!

@prospectivemum Well if those pics are anything to go by your house is beautiful! 😊

yes it is beautiful

Just imagining it with peas trodden into to carpet, a liberal sprinkling of lego and the ribena stain 😆

Thanks! Not quite that nice but in an ideal world!

No Ribena on the sofa! But we already have ten layers of cat hair (and some lego.....)

@prospectivemum I know what you mean! I have found washable sofa covers a complete lifesaver! 🤣

the ribena will happen ( other brands are available)

to be honest those pictures put the fear of god into me in the same way as my friend’s ultra modern, glossy, minimalist house does. I’m terrified of tripping over something whilst carrying a cup of tea and sending it up her pristine white walls.....

I have home envy now :-)

The pictures do not match the description at all. That looks very modern , stylish and warm.

We LO came to us aged 1 and now they are 3 we need to throw the Sofa on a bonfire. Fabric sofas do not last with a little one. leather for us next time.

Adoptive mum here, husband long hair, both of us alternative. We were told to hide our pictures of nudes and naked statutes (it's art not porn) as we were told that wasn't appropriate. Also my husband was being the stay at home which got questioned. Basically be prepared to change everything, create a pastel or primary coloured nursery and do what needs to be done to be matched with a child. When they are legally yours, you can start adding back your personality as you get to know your child. I finally have my art back on the walls, 7 years later. Adopting a child is a long process when lots of people come to your house and will judge you and what they see, that is their job. We were pulled up on organisation as we have paperwork everywhere.

@Howcanwehelp

I’m really hoping they didnt have an issue with your husbands long hair

@ted27 there are some people that see long hair and think drug taking, recklessness and thuggery. I think he trimmed it and kept it tidy.

I think the idea of long hair = thuggery are long behind us, I would question nude art, because of the things children may have been exposed to previously, but long hair, purple hair, piercings, tattoos all not an issue. In fact I know a good few social workers who would fit that description.