Adopting - when BC not keen

[HopeRose]

Hi DH and I have just started the Adoption journey, soon ready for transfer to the Home study team. Whilst our BC, now 7, up to a year or more ago would have asked about having a brother or sister he is now quite clear he doesn’t want anyone else in our home. I am conscious we have only really broached having another we one in the house recently so understand it will take some time to absorb and we will chat much more about it but would love to hear from others who have went through similar and what approach they took, what worked best ? If anyone has recommendations re films or books that would be helpful also that would be great. Thanks

Ours (7 too) was keen right through the process but then after panel when they told us about a potential match we got the room ready etc and that change just completely threw him, made it real and now he doesn't want it to happen. (That match wasnt right it turned out) Its really really hard. For ours its the change itself he doesnt cope well with, hes the same when we changed the sofa, and the car, and i do think hel be fine in time but its defo a big worry. Weve gone wild on books: doc mucstuffins when they adopt her little sister, books on 'coping with change', and:

You're the Biggest : keepsake gift book celebrating becoming a big brother or sister on the arrival of a new baby, Lucy Tapper

All About Adoption: How Families Are Made and How Kids Feel About It, Marc A. Nemiroff

Am I supposed to feel this way?: A seven-year-old birth child's experience of adoption, Archer, Elizabeth

Gus Becomes a Big Brother: An Adoption Story
Lonczak, Heather S

I'm a New Big Brother: A Pirate Pete book (Pirate Pete and Princess Polly), Li, Amanda

Topsy and Tim: The New Baby, Adamson, Jean

But so far nothings made much difference.
My son likes that Frodo was adopted by Bilbo so if yours is a Hobbit fan that might help?
I think its really difficult as its such a waiting game and takes forever so maybe too much talk about it adds to the anxiety? its really hard to know.
Good luck, and let me know if you find anything helps yours!

This might sound a bit daft but with our eldest the language we used made a huge difference. He was a bit younger though, he was four when we went through the process.

Whenever we talked about being a big brother or having a little sister or brother he said he didn't want to. Whenever we talked about having a new baby in the house (we knew it would be a baby because of the age gap) he was happy about it and would happily talk about all the ways he would play with the new baby and what the new baby could be like.

I don't think he had a concept of brother/sister. He did understand babies though because we'd been around friends new babies.

After talking about a new baby for a while we started to drop in that having a new baby would mean that he would be a big brother. Then after another little while we switched it and then spoke about being a brother to the new baby so that became the focus.

I also asked him a regularly what would he not like about having a new baby. He shared what he was worried about and we worked out how to approach it. E.g. he didn't want the new baby to mess up his toys, so I said that if the new baby came in his room and messed up the toys mummy would put them all back again. He said that was ok. So I kept it realistic but also tried to show him it would be ok. Saying the new baby wouldn't mess with his toys would have just made him have unrealistic expectations about life with a new baby.

We also got books. Some about being a big brother. Others just about adoption so he could begin to understand that too.

He's turned out to be the most amazing big brother. He way he loves his little brother is heart warming.

It is very hard and I sometimes wonder if I had my time again I would put at risk a happy family unit even although it has worked out really well and we are all glad we took the leap. SW was all over the place on the issue and eventually we had to take the lead. We insisted that we had a couple of bump into meetings so that they could interact. If my BC had still been insistent he didnt want it to happen we would have not progressed even although SW was very much of the 'you're the adults, you get to decide' attitude (after initially having the exact opposite view). It took a lot of hard work managing the relationship in the first 9 months as AC is a very strong personality and my BC could not cope with having him constantly wanting to be with BC plus AC came quite happy to use hands and feet to make his views known. It would regularly descend into fights which I stepped into immediately. No 'letting them sort it out'. I think that early micro managing allowed my BC the space to get used to having a little brother and now he wouldn't be without his little brother. We also made sure BC had lots of sole attention. Not easy all round when your AC is deserving of the same care and need to feel loved and wanted in their new home. It really is not easy to navigate!

Thanks Dodo - I agree, we made the mistake of originally saying 'the new child' forgetting ours hates new! Now only say 'baby' ! Agree language helps a lot.

Thanks all, great to hear from others that are going through this.
Had a great we chat yesterday and he went through his worries, similar to yours Dodobaggins didn’t want a little 1 messing his toys or just taking them without asking. Also just needing reassurance that we would still be there for him. His whole we attitude seemed to change and all of a sudden he was picking out PS games that had age 3 on them saying they could play with them & how he’s not going to get rid of his playhouse now as he’d planned as a we one would love it 💕. 🤞 this continues. I agree totally it’s all about the wording. Scully29 thats a Grt list of books. Will be v helpful in the months ahead- help keep this momentum going. I hope you get the perfect match soon. Such a rollercoaster for us adults, hard to prepare our BCs when we don’t know what going to happen next ourselves. Modelcitizen the idea of bump into meetings would work well- I might insist on that ourselves. Can I ask what age ur BC & AC were? Has anyone went down the Concurrent route with a BC. Can really see how it’s Grt for young ones but just be hard too that uncertainty always thinking there’s a chance, even if small, that could go back to biological parents.

Just turned 4 and 9. We thought very hard about the type of personality that would work and we were comfortable we were looking at the right fit, but through no fault of anyone we got a more full on personality than we bargained for! However, there are plus points to that too. I was not prepared to proceed if my BC remained resistant not least because it would not be fair on AC to come into that environment but it sounds as if you are making progress!

I wouldn’t go down concurrency with a birth child, not just because there’s a chance the new child might go back to birth family but because while the process continues you (and the adopted child) will have contact with birth family to navigate along with LAC reviews etc. The additional stress and uncertainty is hard when you’re an adult but your birth child is likely to be impacted by that uncertainty too. I think straightforward adoption is hard enough on birth children without adding more complexity.

I remember a good friend telling me while I was going through linking and matching “you’re doing an already hard thing, make it as easy as possible”, meaning really think about matching considerations, legal status etc and choose the least stressful path, because the stress will find you anyway.

Thanks Jellycatspyjamas Yes that’s where I am at the minute. Feel there would be too much additional stress/uncertainty for all. Sw seems to be promoting it. I understand be less attachment issues, especially if from new born but a lot to consider especially with BC.

I had the initial interview and have been told they won't proceed with me until my BC is on board. Everything else was fine. So looking for ideas too...

We adopted DD and both my BC's were excited. BC2 didn't really know what was going on tbh now we are in the process again and BC1 is 6 and is starting to be unsure. I've bought the book mentioned up thread 'Am I supposed to feel this way.' Haven't handed it over yet but it looks good.