Really Struggling with SW

[Runner31]

Some of you know we're a few months in and its been a rocky road with SW and foster carer but with our LO, we'rw building an awesome team. There are ups and downs, good days and bad but we're getting there.
Well things with SW are getting worse. Early into the placement we said our LO was confused as to what adoption means in terms of future contact with birth mum. To cut a long story short we just haven't been taken seriously on this. We keep getting told he has not attachment to her and he only wants to see her to get presents. We disagree and despite our concerns, 2 months have gone by and his SW still hasnt spoken to him about things. In fact he's spoken to her twice since he moved in at the beginning of January.

He still hasn't had final contact with birth mum and there is now an additional contact with birth mum thrown in so she can give him some over due birthday presents. We agreed with this in principal but think he needs to have adoption and his future explained to him before he has a other contact. We realise he can't be told F2F contact will be stopping but he needs to know things will be different.
Today we asked him if he wanted us to write some questions for his SW so she knows what his worries are before they meet. He wants to ask her for increased access to birth mum...weekly!
We have no problem supporting him through this but we don't know where to begin.
We also found out last week that nobody had told him he has an older teenage brother! We did and he's been included in his questions for SW. There's obviously no life story book so we can't give him a lot of information about him other than his name and age and when he left his birth mum.
It's a giant mess and in top of it all we have now lost CAMHS support because he his out with his psychologists area and our local authority won't support. The placing local authority have said they will seek private support from CAMHS which they will pay for but CAMHS have bluntly said he's not in their area and therefore will be at the bottom of the list.

This whole thing is a mess but what bothers us most is we don't think anyone has ever spoken to him about what he wants and what is best for him. That's backed up by what we've been told by SW and his FC.
So, has anyone in Scotland used an advocacy organisation called WhoCares Scotland? They say they offer support to children in care to make sure their voices are heard.
Open to ideas from anyone.

That’s a bloody nightmare, I’ll PM you.

How old is the child in question? It sounds like he needs support especially if he thinks contact will be increasing with his birth mother.

What a shocking and awful situation. Sorry I can't help but you have my total sympathy and admiration for your perseverance in the face of such scandalous malpractice from the SW

We have no problem supporting him through this but we don't know where to begin OP are you saying that you want to support your ds to have f2f contact with the birth mother but that the social worker has said no? Or are you saying that you agree that there should not be f2f contact after the AO - and you fully understand the reasons why - and that you will support him through that?

Has the SW properly explained to you why there should be no contact (other than her belief that your ds has no attachment)?

Why are you concerned about being the advocate for your ds' needs yourself? Are you worried about the implications for the placement? Have you spoken to the SW's manager?

Also, what has been CAMHs advice here so far? What did they think would be in your ds' best interest, what did they advise would be the affect on him of f2f contact ceasing and if they thought f2f contact was advisable, how frequently and how managed? If their advice has not been sought on this already, are you in time to get their advice before their support stops?

@sassygromit basically we would support him through f2f or no contact if he understood what was going on. Our understanding is that there is no f2f because there is no attachment. She isn't a threat to him and he doesn't get stressed before or after contact. That's really all we know. My gut tells me he should have f2f but we appreciate it's not our decision and our biggest concern is he doesn't understand that for him, adoption means no f2f. He seems to think adoption means he is with us forever and he has a new mum and dad but his birth mum is still important and he will still see her (his words). It's a mess.
The reason I don't think we are in the best position to advocate for him is we have been ignored for the last 3 months. We need help and he needs help and SW just aren't listening to us. I have told them all this today.
I honestly have no idea if CAMHS gave advice on contact with birth mum but they definitely did give an opinion about it to us. Unfortunately support from them has already stopped while they pass us between local authorities.
I spoke to WhoCares today and I feel better about getting them involved. If our LO gets support and turns round and says the opposite to what we believe he feels, thats absolutely fine. We will know he has had a voice and has a basic understanding of what's going on and that's all we can ask for.

@jellycatspyjamas thanks so much for the PM. It is hugely appreciated. Our internet is playing up so my lengthy reply didn't send 🙄 but I will re-do it over the weekend.

Hi Runner
Our understanding is that there is no f2f because there is no attachment. She isn't a threat to him and he doesn't get stressed before or after contact. That's really all we know. My gut tells me he should have f2f but we appreciate it's not our decision I don't understand the latter part of this - this is very much your decision as parent.

There are two things here - you making the right decision for your ds from a psychological point of view, and sorting out the process and legalities with the SW and the court. Hopefully you got advice from jellycat about process and legalities in Scotland. I would say you could do with some advice from a solicitor who has local expertise and adoption expertise in relation to process, and they should also be able to advise about liaising with SWs about what you want in terms of contact, and how contact is written in to the AO.

From a psychological point of view, it is great that Who Cares is of help. I am not sure whehter you ever had a look at the UEA links but they will be full of relevant info for you. I went through all this as a child as I went to live with adoptive parents at a similar age, I had f2f contact for a few years, it stopped for a few years, it started again - if you want to PM about the psychological impact from just one perspective, then feel free.

In your shoes I'd be sorting out the legalities as a priority as well, and I would get input from the right solicitor. You can then focus on your ds' needs and stop worryiing about the SW

Can you speak to the support after adoption team and ask to speak to someone about your concerns with the sw?

No problem @Runner31, if you’d like advice re a very good solicitor give me a shout.

@sassygromit until the legal order for the adoption goes through he is under a compulsory supervision order and SW and a panel agreed at a hearing that he was to continue contact with birth mum up until the point that the legal order goes through then it will be letterbox only. He doesn't have a permanence order of adoption (POA) as the local authority changed to using direct adoption literally a couple of months before he was placed. Under a POA contact with birth mum would have already stopped but that's not the case with Direct Adoption. It continues till the legal order is completed. Nobody explained this to us at the time. We've been told the legal order might not be through till the end of the year due to covid backlogs but the process has began. Our solicitor is brilliant and used to work for the local authority and knows how they work but the bottom line is, right now we are classed as foster carers and it is SW who make decisions over contact with his birth mum and two of his siblings. We are repeatedly told this. While I have no problem with f2f my main concern is he is being messed about. He thinks everything is continuing as it was when he was in foster care. He loves his birth mum, she is of no danger to him and he believes he will be continuing contact with her for the rest of his life. We know that isn't true. He openly says she couldn't look after him, keep him safe etc and is very accepting that he can't live with her. He has a f2f contact with her in 2 weeks then a couple of weeks later he is being told contact is stopping and he will have a final contact. We have been told we can't tell him f2f contact will be stopping. Our problems are we have been repeatedly telling SW he doesn't understand what adoption means and what future contact could be like since January yet his SW still hasn't spoken to him about this. We had been told not to talk to him about f2f contact with birth mum stopping so felt totally lost in how to support him. We think we have now come up with a plan for this.
His treatment from SW and all the missed information and his lack of understanding about adoption have left us questioning if anyone ever actually spoke to him about what he wanted and what was best for him. We know he wasn't prepped for the adoption by his SW as her and his FC kept making jokes about how he had said he didn't want to see her till she had a family for him so in the 5 months prior to his placement she didn't see him until the day she told him about us which was exactly one week before he moved in with us. The prep was left to the foster carer who was quite happy to be in charge. His FC told us he had seen his SW only a handful of times while he was with her. I think, he was prepared in the sense of being told he would have a forever family and a new mum or dad but not what that would mean in terms of future contact with his birth family.
It's all just a mess and we are finding it so difficult to work through. I think his advocate will make a massive difference. As I said to our SW yesterday afternoon, we have been repeatedly advocating for him and they have ignored us so we don't feel we have a choice but to bring in WhoCares. He has been telling us things which show he is confused about his future, we have passed them on to SW and the response has been, nothing. He is our little boy and we will support him and avocate for him forever but some of that needed to come from SW and it just hasn't.

Thanks for explaining that - I didn't realise you currently have foster carer status and it isn't your decision at the moment - though in a year you will be parents and it will be your decision at that point unless the court prohibits it - but that is unlikely as you have your solicitor on board. So you are doing two things at the moment:

• getting Who Cares to step in to help get your ds' voice heard while he is a foster child because the social workers are not doing anything close to what they are supposed to be doing, your ds has been extremely let down by them; and in addition

• planning ahead to how you will get f2f organised when you are the parent, making sure you have flexibility to manage things and the right support

I hope I got that right. It is great that your solicotor has worked for the LA, as it means he will understand its wondrous internal workings.

Have you read the UEA materials? Because having some hard research behind you will help you decide how and what to advocate re f2f if at any point the social workers start to liaise with you and get your input re contact in this interim period. It might be that the UEA materials can give you pointers about strategies. And in addition, finally, I am not sure if it is possible to contact the head of research direct but again she might well be able to give you pointers both for this interim (foster) stage and ongoing, becasue I think from memory she was originally a social worker and she is highly motivated to change how things are done and help people, I get that impression anyway. I hope that makes sense.

Sorry, I was shattered last night and am still a bit shattered this morning

Sorry, it is all confusing. We're not actually planning for f2f, at the moment we are just trying to work out why SW have said no to it and if it is in our LO's best interest and if he has expressed how he feels and what he wants. For us at the moment, at his age, we feel he has to be heard. It's not about what we want. There could be reasons we haven't been told as to why f2f shouldn't go ahead, we don't know and SW won't engage in a discussion about it.
The main worry is his confusion. Right now he seems to think adoption is the same as foster care. The only differences being at some point he'll no longer have a SW and he has a new mum and dad who he will stay with forever. He has no understanding of what that means in terms of birth family contact.
SW actions are confusing him more. Increasing birth mum contact now when they are then taking it away, inconsistent contact with birth siblings, and not allowing us to explain things to him (we're about to just start ignoring that one with exception of a final contact). They completley dismiss his questions and worries to us telling us he doesn't care at birth mum, he only wants presents from her yet he tells us and shows us in his behaviour the opposite.
I haven't read the research yet. I will but I am very conscious of over loading myself. While we negotiate SW, the solicitor and CAMHS our heads are full and we need to try our best to think clearly.

What a rocky journey you have all had so far!

I think it is definitely worth exploring why there is no direct contact post adoption order. If there are no security concerns and you would be happy to facilitate direct contact this can be explored.

We have direct contact. It’s not about attachment, our son has no attachment to his birth family. However I do believe there are other gains from direct contact.

• it prevents fantasy birth parents eg if I was with my birth mum she wouldn’t make me do my homework
• it allows the child to know that their birth family are safe and well so they don’t have to worry about them
• for life story work we can ask birth family to fill in any gaps in our knowledge
• it helps to reduce feelings of loss and rejection
• there are other people that love and care about the child

Direct contact came up a lot in all paperwork and hearings as it is unusual but it was also viewed very much as a strength that we were happy to facilitate this.

Having been foster carers first direct contact was a normal part of life. We saw first hand that contact, even at a relatively high level didn’t diminish our relationships or attachments with the children. Post adoption contact is usually reduced to once or twice a year too.

Direct contact is absolutely not right for everyone, in fact I we are in the minority but I think when it is possible it can be a force for good. If you think direct contact a couple of times a year would be beneficial for your LO then it’s definitely worth raising with SWs and guardian.

I really hope things settle for you!

I honestly don't think you can deal with this properly until you are clear in your own head as to the long term plan, and this that is what your ds needs, a long term plan. I understand what you are saying about the confusion, and I think getting your ds' voice "heard" is a really good thing to do, but he really needs a long term plan.

I can just about see that while you are a foster carer you have foster carer status and so you are following SW instructions, but if you are the long term parent it is fundamental that the SW engages you with f2f contact long term.

I don't think reading the UEA research will overload you, it is more likely to clarify things for you.

I think that deciding the best thing based on what your ds has said to you and based on help from other sources and then push it through with the SWs, as well as the WhoCares advocacy.

It is possible that part of the problem is the old foster carer - you said she called the shots though it is difficult to know what that means - if she had very different opinions from you as to your ds' needs then this might have caused some of hte problems you are now dealing with, and the attitudes towards "attachment"

I hope you have a great weekend, maybe taking your mind off it completely for a day or so will help.

I also agree with SFCA about the benefits, assessed on a case by case basis, and that it might well work here. In all honestly I think it will become far more the norm in future, with proper professional support.

The clear expectation of your ds makes it even more worthwhile to explore properly.

You have said your ds doesn't understand about adoption vs foster, but there is f2f in adoption, and there is sufficient flexibility to do whatever works for your ds.

So at the moment you’re legally his foster carers while the adoption process goes through, and at the moment the long term plan is for no direct contact with birth mum but no one will tell your little boy that or let you tell them that.

What a bloody mess.

Another place you could contact is the Scottish Children’s Commissioner, their office has an advice role particularly in relation to children’s right and their staff are excellent. Your son can contact them directly or you can contact on his behalf and they’ll look into what’s been happening. They’re a useful resource to keep in mind.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas, I might give them a call next week.
I hope I don't sound rude @sassygromit but I know reading the research will overwhelm me. Not from it's content but because I'm already not sleeping with everything going round in my head. There's a limit to how much information I can take in and while we sort out solicitor stuff, CAMHS and the whole mess we're in I can't add to what I'm trying to process. I'm also not saying I think f2f contact is definitely the route I think we should go down so I'm not going to 'push it through' with SW etc. He's had no prep for the adoption so we have to go back a few steps and see what he wants and what's in his best interests.
I am really grateful for the advice so please don't think I'm not but it is such a complicated situation we have to take it one bit at a time.

I don't think you are being rude at all but please could you re read my post because I didn't say you should push f2f through. I said you should decide what is best for your dc longterm and then push that through. By "push through" I meant reach agreement.

Good luck.

Thanks, based on previous comments I misinterpreted it. You can see now why I said I can't manage taking on any extra information. I'm struggling with the basics at the moment.

Runner, I don’t have anything useful to add but I do want to say that I really admire you for wanting to hear what your son feels, thinks and needs and then trying to advocate for both him and what’s right for your family. It sounds horrible but your commitment to your son shines through. I hope that doesn’t read as patronising, it’s not meant to!

@Runner31 What does SW, LO and FC stand for?

@NV42 it's social worker, little one and foster carer

@Runner31 Thank you.