Just been matched and finding it difficult

[Parent2be]

My partner and I have just been matched with a child (not long after our panel review), we have yet to meet the medical adviser or social worker. Everyone around us Social Workers, Family Finders, Managers seems really keen on the match. Ever since this news my head has been all over the place and I've not been coping very well. It's been such a long road to get to this point in our lives, but now it seems like it's suddenly all falling away, I am having serious anxiety issues and panic attacks. I just feel like I am not in a position to be able to take things calmly and slowly in order to ensure this is the right decision.

How did others feel / cope with this part of the adoption process?

So not officially matched ?

Sorry posted too soon.
If not this is the time to take stock and think things through. So lots of fact finding and getting as much of an idea of the child as you can. You do not have to agree to the match if it doesn't seem right for you .
Also.i think a measure of panic and last minute cold feet is v normal and is to be expected because it is a big life change for you all so be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to think.it through properly and take it from there. Good luck x

I’m not saying this to be pedantic, because it might help you to think about it a bit differently. At the moment you aren’t matched, you have a link to a potential match which needs to be explored.

You sound like you feel that you are being pushed into this because everyone else thinks its a great idea. But it doesn’t really matter what everyone else thinks, its what YOU think that matters. Do not let yourself be bulldozed into it.

You need a lot more information and have those meetings and then you decide if the child is right for you. Getting information does not commit you.

The adoption process is intense and full of emotion, it can become overwhelming. Family finding is the worst part I think.
Personally what I would do right now is take the weekend off from adoption. Go out, sleep in, read the papers, talk about anything except adoption, do whatever you need to do to give yourselves some breathing space. Its ok to say I need a break.

Come back to adoption on Monday when you are feeling a refreshed.

Thanks for all the answers this sounds like a lot of good advice, I think I need some perspective.

When I say matched, we are obviously not matched at matching panel level yet, but everyone is discussing it as if this is going ahead. We've been given our matching panel date already.

I wish there was longer in the process to make a decision but understand for children's needs why there is not.

Ted27, I think you are right, only after we have more information for the foster carer and medical adviser can we make a decision.

When I say matched, we are obviously not matched at matching panel level yet, but everyone is discussing it as if this is going ahead. We've been given our matching panel date already.

It’s ok to take your time. You need much more information about this child, I’d start with why they think it’s such a good match for you - which of your matching criteria does this child fit and importantly are there any the child doesn’t meet. Talk to the child’s social worker, explore their background and their road to adoption, what’s their foster placement been like, how many carers etc. How are they day to day, what does the foster carer find challenging about them, how do they deal with those challenges (the answers to those questions will tell you a lot). With the medical staff really expire any health issues currently presenting and how they are dealt with just now, any long term prognosis etc.

Leave the matching panel date as it is just now but be clear you need to speak to sw, medical adviser and foster carers in good time, well before the matching panel. Try to read between the lines - as in what aren’t they saying.

Most of all don’t feel pressured, if it’s not right for you that’s ok, there will be another child that is. I’d agree with the advice to take a breath, take the weekend off and approach it with a clear head. Much of the decision needs to be clear and measured, try not to stop your heart rule your head and don’t be afraid to say “no” at any point if it doesn’t feel right.

Sorry don’t let your heart rule your head.

We are recently matched and start introductions next week. Just after we had our first interviews and everything was plowing towards matching panel, I struggled massively. I still have waves of panic. After being in the adoption process 18 months it feels overwhelming. I was having anxiety attacks, second guessing our decision. I knew his profile was positive and I felt some positive feelings but I couldn’t make sense of what my head was doing.

Turning point for me was our bump into. I saw him and I just knew, all the anxiety was worth it for him. I’ve still had moment of utter terror about becoming a Mum/being good enough/life changing but I know for sure he is meant to be our son.

Go slowly. You can pull out. We pulled out of 2 profiles that SW were very positive about because they weren’t right for us. See how you feel as you get more information. Remember, saying no is ok! It’s better than carrying on and having a placement breakdown!

I felt like this too after linking - suddenly it was real! And I started to panic. If it helps, a friend said she felt the same about being pregnant. I think it's natural to start freaking out at this point, it's a huge life changing thing!

I didn't think of it being permanent at this stage, we talked to medical advisors etc to get more information to decide whether to proceed (my wife was not in the same head space but we had different approaches to matching, she fell in love instantly with every kid).

The panic didn't really go away until about 4 months post placement 😂 now I can't imagine being without our beautiful amazing son.

How are you doing? X

My bit of advice would be to pause, breathe, take stock, and listen to your gut.

I was tentatively matched with another child at first. This link was very much presented to me as a sure bet and I very much felt it was what the SW wanted. Yet, despite the child not connecting with me, I was terrified to say 'no'.

Saying 'no' to an actual child is one of the hardest things, and to have to say it to someone who has so much power and control over your life can be terrifying. But 'no' must become part of our vocabulary, the consequences of it not are too awful to imagine.

I allowed the process to proceed far further than it should have, sick to my stomach, knowing this was not the right child for me, but paralysed by fear to do anything about it. Thankfully that paralysis was temporary.

I also recall having a complete meltdown the night before matching panel with my child, ]. This time it was more generic - 'do I really want my life to change so unrecognisably?' 'what if I don't love them?' and on and on it went. A full, and quite monumental, wobble.

What I'm trying to say is that both reactions were intense, fuelled by fear. To the outsider they may have appeared to be very similar. But they weren't.

When I stopped and listened to my gut it was easy to decipher the difference between the two. And being able to distinguish between these two responses resulted in me being happier than I ever thought would be possible because it brought me my child.

So give yourself time to process, hear and feel your own thoughts to establish whether it's 'just' a wobble or is based on something far more fundamental.

G xx

Poor you, OP. I felt like that - being pushed by social workers to go ahead with match for our DS2. I was riddled with anxiety, felt v sick al the time, couldn’t sleep. DS2’s social worker and our SW were really pushing us - saying we wouldn’t get anything better! As though he were a commodity (Even now those words seem strange.) I stalled, asked for more info and then they said others were interested in him. I ended up having a lengthy call with SW for when we had DS1 - and that really helped. We went ahead but the wobbles continued for about a year after we adopted DS2.

Don’t feel bull dozed into doing something that doesn’t feel right, OP. Some SWs can do this...