Meeting birth mother

[estornudar]

LO moved in with us 8 weeks ago and we now have an appointment to meet his birth mother the week after next. I feel ready to do this now, and also ready to get it over with! I'd be interested to hear your experiences, and also to know what sort of questions you asked.

We met our son's BM about 6 months after he had moved in - which I think is quite unusual to wait that long (but I might be wrong) For us the meeting was in the SS offices near where our LO was in FC but this wasn't local for her or us. She had to travel for several hours on several trains and I will always remember the commitment that she made to do that. We took photos that we showed her because although we didn't agree to photos in letterbox we felt happy to show her some at the meeting. It was a good ice breaker. For us, conversation flowed relatively easily. We didn't overthink the questions too much and they just kind of evolved. Our son likes animals a lot so we asked her if she did/whether she had pets and that led to a discussion. We asked her how she had chosen his name, she said there was no real reason but at least we know that there was no real significance. I think it was one of the best things that we could have done for him and it has helped us with letterbox now as there is a connection and a face and personality to put together with her letters. Our SW got a photo of the three of us together which is important if you can get one. I found the meeting interesting as it helped me to realise that she was someone who may have made mistakes but who ultimately did/does care. She said to us that she was so pleased he was with us which meant a lot. Expect to find it emotional but remember that there will be people with you (in our case LOs SW and our SW) to support the meeting. Good Luck!

We met our AD's birth mum about 3 months after she joined us. It was pretty emotional but we are so glad we did it. When she came into the room, it was like watching our daughter. We came away with really positive feelings about her

We swapped some photos and some stories. She told us about her pregnancy, what she was up to. We managed to get a picture of her birth dad which we wouldn't have got otherwise. She very generously gave us an ultrasound scan and one of the footprints that they took when she was born.

Some of what she said wasn't exactly true but we took it in good spirit. She was keen to impress us so we didn't want to upset her.

The meeting was over an hour and we have a photo of all of us together having a hug. That was great to be able to show our daughter.

I should add that it has made it much easier to discuss her with our daughter because she is a real person to us and not just a name on a piece of paper

I really wish I had met ds birth mother. We write each year and have built up a really good relationship through letters. Just be yourself you were picked for this little one for a reason. Be you and you won’t go wrong x

Meeting my daughters birth mom was one of the hardest things I have done but the best decision for us.
When we got there we had to wait about 30 mins as birth mom thought we were bringing my daughter with us so she was so upset not to see her.
We then went in & the while visit lasted about 10 mins which was enough. We had already given each other a list of questions so had a copy of the answers wrote up to take away which I look back on when I write letterbox. We asked questions like why did she pick her name, who held her 1st, favourite foods etc. Birth dad didn't turn up on the day but because we had sent the questions he had already answered them for us.
We had a photo taken for lifestory book. I'm so pleased I can say to my daughter I met her & that even though it was such an upsetting thing for her that her birth mom did it for her.

I’m a birth mum and I met my sons parents for me it was so very important. It’s all well and good being told by an organisation that had failed you that your birth child is safe and well with loving parents but for me I Needed to meet them to satisfy myself that was indeed the case.

It was highly emotional. Both myself and my sons mum burst into tears when we met.

Meeting my sons parents meant I was able to agree to the adoption order rather than contest it because up until that Point I had no idea if my son was truly loved and would be taken good care of- meeting his parents showed that he was and would always be.

I am eternally grateful they agreed to meet.

@OurChristmasMiracle I really appreciate hearing your perspective, thank you.

We're due to meet our son's birth parents in June. It will be a year and a half after placement which is such a long time, we couldn't meet last year because of covid, it would have been over Teams and we wanted to wait until we could meet in person.

We've done one letterbox already and had a nice reply from dad but not mum yet.

I'm just wondering if any of you took presents and if so what? We'd like to take a pic, drawing LO's done and maybe handprints.

Neither myself or my sons parents took anything. I did get handprints with contact and then drawings but that stopped a number of years ago now. They also shared a photo to view but not keep which has also stopped. I have also stopped sending updated photos of myself as of course our son is getting older and I don’t want him to trace me through social media etc because I don’t feel that’s the right way to go about it.

I think the meeting is difficult for both birth and adoptive parents, I’d keep things as simple and low key as possible. A couple of questions that you’ve given the sw beforehand so they can talk to birth mum about them, I wouldn’t take gifts because birth mum may not be in a position to do that and while you may not expect that of her, it leaves her in an awkward position potentially.

To be honest, being able to meet, answer a couple of questions and just see each other may be enough and all that you both can cope with. It’s a very hard, emotional meeting on both sides so go gently.