Adoption and blended families

[TayceOnToast]

My partner has a 4 year old son from his previous relationship. We want to have children of our own and are considering the possibility of adopting in the future (2 or 3 years down the line as we don’t currently live together yet...we’re working on it).
My question is, does anyone have experience of adopting a child when there is already a step-child in the equation? I guess I am worried it would be too disruptive/confusing for my partners child to suddenly have an “adopted half sibling” and too disruptive for the adopted child to have another child coming and going (partners son is with us 2 or 3 nights per week) and that social workers/agencies may prefer to place a child in a more “stable” home????
I am imagining adopting an older child, age 5+
Would love to hear from anyone in a similar position, or who knows someone with a similar family set up
Thanks

*adoptive age is a rough number, I’m aware that age gaps and birth order need to be considered

hi @TayceOnToast

the arrival of an adopted sibling should be no more sudden and disruptive than if you had a birth child. You will need to talk to him about your plans and explain what adoption means. Your social worker will expect you to prepare him and at some point will want to talk to him. Dont forget that if you aren’t thinking about adopting for another 2 or 3 years, your son will 6 or 7, add on at least another year, possibly 2 to get through the process, he could be 8 or 9 before any child comes home.
so he will be able to understand more.
I don’t see why a family where a child visits regularly should be seen as unstable so I wouldnt worry too much about that.
For both children, preparation will be key, but as you get into the process you will be able explore that with your social worker

Hi @Ted27 thanks for your reply

This was my thinking, in my mind there isn’t any real reason why it should be a major issue, I just wanted to make sure there isn’t something I was missing or haven’t thought of.
Do you mind if I ask what your involvement with the adoption process is? (Are you a parent/adoptee/social worker etc?). Thanks

I agree with what @Ted27 says, sw will want to know how contact works, how stable a pattern you’re in etc and you’ll need to have separate bedrooms for each child but there’s no reason it can’t work well.

What I would say though is while older children have more clearly known needs (eg there’s less uncertainty than with a baby), they often have significant additional needs. You’ll need to consider what might happen if your adopted child doesn’t tolerate your step child coming and going (might be very unsettling at least to begin with), how you’ll deal with holidays and birthdays etc as these can be challenging for older children who are adopted. Simply put, in much the same way as any adopter you need to think and plan for the challenges that might come. In the meantime do lots of reading about trauma and attachment - I’d start with anything by Dan Hughes.

I am a retired SW and sit on adoption panels. We don't agree many adoption plans for children age 5+ unless they are part of a sibling group where the siblings are younger. That age group usually achieve permanence by long term fostering and often (but not always) stay in the foster family they are already part of. I can't recall ever placing a child for adoption with a family where there was another child who was not fully resident in the family.

I'm an adopter, and I'd say the fact you're thinking about this is reassuring. Adoption is different to parenting a birth child. I would choose an agency that will work with your step son, and include him in the assessment, as for any other sibling. Families can be complex, but problems come when issues are ignored, I think social workers will be requiredy that you're worried, and thinking about how both children will be affected and feel.

I know of a "blended" family who adopted, it absolutely shouldn't be a barrier, given how aware you are of the issues.

Reassured. Not requiredly.

We are currently in family finding and my DH has a son from a previous relationship and we had no issues getting approved although it has stopped one match from going through as they wanted the adopted child to be the only one in the family.

He is older at 17 so quite a bit older than your stepson but I can't see that would be a problem for you. The only thing we have been told by our SW is that contact must be regular so any adopted child is used to a routine of him being with us on certain days right from the start.

@UCOinaUCG I’m a social worker and an adoptive parent and have both placed older children for adoption and placed in blended families. I think it really depends on the local authority and their ethos towards permanence - there are pros and cons to older adoption and permanent foster care but ultimately different areas can do very different things.

[quote Jellycatspyjamas]@UCOinaUCG I’m a social worker and an adoptive parent and have both placed older children for adoption and placed in blended families. I think it really depends on the local authority and their ethos towards permanence - there are pros and cons to older adoption and permanent foster care but ultimately different areas can do very different things.[/quote]
Yes you are right. I also work in Scotland and we have different laws and guidelines etc.

@TayceOnToast

I’m an adopter, my son was nearly 8 when he came home. I know lots of people who adopted children who were 5 or above.

My son is 16 now and doing well.

I work in Scotland too - I think practice differs across agencies. There’s nothing legislative or in national guidance that prevents older children being adopted, those decisions are based on local or consortium policy.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I work in Scotland too - I think practice differs across agencies. There’s nothing legislative or in national guidance that prevents older children being adopted, those decisions are based on local or consortium policy.

That's interesting. It's very possible I just haven't come across examples of this. I would hate to mislead the OP with wrong information. I am just going by my own experience. I am just glad there are people like OP out there who are willing to accept a child into their family who may not have had the best start in life.

@UCOinaUCG

my son was just shy of 8 when he came home to me. I know lots of adopters, just as many adopted older kids as pre schoolers

I think its a very sad world if we can’t give a 5 year old a chance of having a permanent family

One thing to consider OP is that in England, any child you adopt is required to be a minimum of 2 years younger than exsisting children in the house and so depending on how old your DSS is when you start the process, you may be limited on age anyway.

Thanks everyone for your responses. Interesting to hear that some older children only find permanent homes through fostering, I had never considered that before, but reassuring to hear that is not always the case and lovely to hear it has worked out/is working out for some.