Matching panel 1 month away - what prep should we be doing?

[Bananahana]

Hi there,

Two little ones hopefully coming home to us in May, matching panel late April. All seems/feels quite straightforward.

But Im finding it hard to work out how we should be prepping. Mainly because panel might say no! We’ve identified a school, ordered bedroom furniture, bought a mud kitchen... but am I being daft doing all this before panel? Social worker told us to do as much as we’re comfortable, but I just want to buy everything in the kids section of Etsy so majorly holding back!

Think I’m losing my marbles.

Any advice most welcome x

Hey, we adopted two siblings about a year ago. We knew the interim timescales past our matching panel, which were going to move quickly so we made plans for rooms and the house to be in order so we could take some house tour photos and provide our welcome book to the social workers the days before introductions commenced.

We had a few etsy and amazon shopping lists (two baby seats), decoration plans, new loo seat and baby proofing all on the go before panel - We also had a build a bear commissioned with our voices in! It's definitely not silly! Don't forget the kids may or may not come with many toys or belongings, you can ask for current list of belongings - ours came with three car journeys worth. And don't try to get everything, you'll have rhe rest of your life to fill the gaps you don't get in place for day one

My advice would be get as much ready as your willing to financially risk as outside influences may present timesaving opportunities at any time after panel. And with covid impacting business - this may increase risk of you getting what you really want on time! I also found argos helpful for sruff i wanted hands on same day - worth checking out if not considered.

Also don't forget about the ADM decision wait after panel.

All the best and hope everything goes well.

What are their rough ages and are they the same sex as each other? Might just help us to give you some suggestions. Best of luck. Sounds like exciting times ahead!

Honestly, I’d do everything you can before panel. It’s unlikely you won’t get matched if you’re already at this stage and once you start introductions you won’t have the emotional energy to do anything but focus on your children.

Things I wish I’d done:

• gone to the rubbish dump more (I did this a lot but I could have done more)
• batch cooked and frozen as much as possible
• slept. Drank. Danced. Had sex. Etc - all the adult things you take for granted!
• had a toy system in place (boxes for rotation, proper storage in child’s bedroom)
• watched all the tv / read all the books on my list.
• childproofed all my outdoor spaces / done all the niggling building work things. I had to do some after my son came home. We were in lockdown, he didn’t know the difference between builders and family, the noise was very alarming for him.
• thought about new family traditions I wanted for my family. It’s nearly Easter and I don’t know how I want us to celebrate going forward (I never did as an adult). I don’t really have the headspace atm to properly think about what we’re going to do.
• created pros / cons documents on nurseries. Trying to choose one for my son in lockdown was stressful. I told myself I didn’t know his needs before he came home and I’d do it when I knew him better. Wise of me, but also I was starting from scratch when I did have to look.
• budgeted property for a set amount for his clothes / new toys. I’ve just bought what he needs when he needs it and not considered the cost. I wish I’d planned better.
• bought a bigger washing machine and a tumble drier.
• have I said slept?!?

Congratulations. Your life is going to change forever!

Maybe start to think about your introduction book to them. Think about what photos you want in it (you, home, bedrooms, car, pets etc etc) and what you want to say to them. The ones you can record your own voice in are definitely the best. How you want to decorate it to make it visually appealing. It took a while to get ours the way we wanted and and we were very conscious that this would be our LOs first experience of us and it needed to be just right. The foster carers used this book for about a month with the kids before they met us. They've been home approaching 3 years and still love to get the book out and look at it. They've memorised the recorded bits and speak along with our voices.

Think about transition cuddly toys. We got one for each of our kids that fitted their personality but also the type of home and lifestyle they were coming to with us. We put them in most of the photos in the introduction book, so on their beds, eating breakfast, in the garden). We slept with them in our bed for as long as we could and then gave them to the kids the day we met them for the first time.

Having bedrooms near ready, it means you can photograph them and put them in the introduction book. Also, once introductions start you'll be too tired to worry about it.

I would caution against having too many 'things' for them. Our LOs would have been totally overwhelmed. They came with quite a lot and much of it was broken and little of it was practical or our taste but we lived with it and changed slowly a bit at a time. They needed the reassurance of familiar things around them.

Adoption UK have a great list of questions that are useful to ask the foster carers, it covered loads of things we wouldn't have even thought of. Might be handy to have an early look at that.

In terms of the matching panel itself be really confident in your answer when they ask you "why these children?"

It's a bit of a leap of faith getting everything ready when you're not officially matched but our SW told us we wouldn't be going to panel if they weren't pretty sure of the match.

It's such a scary, wonderful, exciting, overwhelming time for everyone and it's very very worth it. All the best for the panel.

Amazing thank you! Terrifying but so so exciting too x

Hello Bananahaha, glad you posted here.

Someone on your other thread just said something like ‘it’ll help them develop independence’ and I could have cried because that’s so missing the point.

We bought all the furniture and had their rooms ready-but-neutral in advance. We personalised them with huge wall stickers, which in the event the match hadn’t happened, would have been easily enough removed.

Everything else, we kind of waited til we had to.

We bought a few toys and a handful of books and frankly I’d say that was still too much.

Foster carers sent them with all their familiar cups and backpacks and even plates so I wouldn’t buy those even til you know what is coming with them. Maybe a placemat with their name on and signs fit their doors.

Resign yourself now to the fact that you’ll be buying whatever can be delivered next day rather than what you might have chosen if you’d had 9 months notice.

We also had framed pictures of them up in our living room before they arrived and some pictures they painted for us during intros on the kitchen wall to try and create a sense that it was their home.

There’s a list somewhere of questions to ask foster carers. I’ll go look for it.

www.adoptionuk.org/faqs/questions-for-foster-carers-and-social-workers

Here you go.

I’d also add, if things go well with FCs see if you can get more info about birth family. Foster family will likely have facilitated contact with birth family so they may well know lots more that never made it into any of the reports you’ve seen.

My two were 4 and just turned 6 at placement, so very similar ages.

At this stage I’d get their rooms ready, so paint, furniture, curtains and bedding etc. We had a lot of books but didn’t buy toys until we saw what they were coming with, because in those early weeks they wanted their own stuff around them - we bought toys after they were here a few months. We also held off on buying clothes - we had tonnes from the foster carers who basically bought everything for them moving in (to hide the fact that they had mostly hand me downs in foster care). If I were to do anything differently I would have bought them some clothes tbh because they were so excited to have clothes that were theirs and that they had chosen.

A good first aid kit (you may find their spatial awareness a bit lacking), we had near constant bumps and bruises for a good while.

A decent trampoline and a paddling pool are good for regulation - both mine are still at their happiest in water and jumping is good for burning off energy and body/mind connection.

Expect to keep your world small for quite some time - my two were utterly overwhelmed for a long time and we needed to pace them meeting family etc.

Definitely start talking to the school especially in terms of their understanding of early trauma and adoption. We found the closest school to us just didn’t have the knowledge to meet our kids needs, they’re in a school in the next village along and it’s perfect for them. Start those conversations now in case you need to look for a more appropriate place for them. I’d tend to ignore OFSTED and talk to staff about nurture, pastoral care and how they support kids with additional needs. I’d also think about when you want them to start - it’s a fine balance between them feeling secure enough at home and your sanity - both are equally important. If they were being placed in Scotland (where I am), I’d be looking at starting them after summer because school finishes in June here so even allowing for 6-8 weeks settling in at home they’d be off school for summer. Don’t worry at all about academics, they’ll catch up, this next year is wholly about them getting to know you, your new home, you getting to know them, so take your time to get them settled before worrying about them starting school.

We knew the interim timescales past our matching panel, which were going to move quickly so we made plans for rooms and the house to be in order so we could take some house tour photos and provide our welcome book to the social workers the days before introductions commenced.

This is good advice, our matching panel was mid-June and intros started mid-July, and that month was absolute mayhem - we would have struggled to get everything ready, finish up at work, cope with all the emotions involved with impending parenthood etc in that time while also thinking about schools and the practical arrangements for intros, you may also have meetings with SW, foster carers etc to plan in so the more you can do just now the better. It’s very unusual for a matching panel to say no - I’m not saying it can’t happen but by that point it’s usually a formality.

Also plan something for you - we booked a last child free weekend away, which may be tricky at the moment, but give yourself some space and time to enjoy these last couple of months and to get your head around the changes that are coming. It’s exciting but also a massive adjustment and you don’t have the more gentle adjustment that comes with pregnancy.

I’d also have space in the main house for toys, my two didn’t move toys into their bedrooms at all for about 9 months and even then it was very chosen things. Both rooms now look like an Argos catalogue exploded in them but we were very glad to have a playroom where things could be kept to play with because they really didn’t want their old stuff in their new rooms. Also remember the toy rotation that often gets suggested may not work for your two - the anxiety of not having access to their own stuff may be too much on top of everything.

Things I wish I had asked (and got answers to) were things like favourite toys and games, favourite movies, favourite meals, drinks and brands of food - chicken nuggets aren’t all created equal.

Big thanks! That other thread is awesome, but don’t worry, I’m there to hear the general parenting stuff, not advice the adoption stuff - I come here for that, and had numerous training and books over last 12 months! I know people post with best intentions but just nope to independence! X