I don't want to go back to work 😭😭😭

[AncientEmo]

I guess this is a pretty universal parenting problem but I only ever post here, and of course settling our children into nursery is more complicated than those without attachment issues.

After a slightly rocky start and doing some attachment works workshops, we've come a really long way with our LO who's just turned 2. We have really settled together, we're a team and life is good! When we were matched with him, our plan was for me to stay at home until he started school but during lockdown my wife got made redundant and her new job doesn't pay as well, so we could do with the extra income of me going back to work.

I'll be working 3 days a week from 9-3 (and one day at home but whatever) so LO will be in nursery from around 8.45-3.15 for 3 days.

It was hard choosing a place because getting viewings was difficult and there are hardly any spaces. I quite liked the look of Busy Bees but they've no places until July at our local one.

So we finally chose a pre-school where they have kids from 2-5 years, there's only 20 kids enrolled and 6 staff and I got a good vibe from it there, the staff are even trained in early trauma and they have a diverse group of kids some with SEN, some ESL! But our LO is one of the youngest there and I worry it's not an appropriate setting.

I am a total worrier but it seems so high stakes, I don't want to get it wrong! He's had 2 settling in sessions and seems alright but we have seen an increase in clinginess at home, regression and more tantrums.

Basically arrgh! Thank you for reading my rant. I really really really don't want to go back to work, I don't even like my job and I want to be with our LO! Financially it is the responsible thing to do :(

What are your experiences with this?

I am a total worrier but it seems so high stakes, I don't want to get it wrong! He's had 2 settling in sessions and seems alright but we have seen an increase in clinginess at home, regression and more tantrums.

This is really normal, because something is changing and change can be hard at the best of times for little ones, especially for adopted kids. Go at his pace and make lots of time for the two of you so he knows your relationship is secure even if things change.

In terms of not wanting to go back, I really get that, I didn’t want to go back either for lots of reasons, not least because I’d lost “work” confidence after being at home for so long. I liked being at home and worried about the impact of aftercare on my kids, who were both in school by that point.

We did lots of talking and planning, and they were both fine. I took a while to settle back in but got there in the end and found having a bit of time for myself really helped me to care for the kids because I felt more like myself.

Can you afford to take more time off? What’s the net financial benefit once you take nursery fees off?

I felt exactly the same - had a huge feeling of dread about returning to work and a bit of a mental block about finalising the details. I wanted to go back 3 days but ended up having to go back full time - although I was able to build up to this through a phased return. My Los were just 2 and 3.5 when I went back to work.

It was tough at first - we found a lovely local nursery but as they were only doing 2 days initially and there were a number of Covid related closures it took a good few months for them to settle in. They settled much more quickly once their days increased - they now do 4 days and a day with my parents. It was hard leaving them crying (I'd be crying too walking back down the path) and my eldest used to constantly tell me he didn't want to go - despite having been really excited about it in the build up.

We perservered - I repeated how much fun they had when they were there and they did always come out smiling at the end of the day and settled quickly after drop off.

Now they love it! Covid aside we were out and about every day during my adoption leave and had lots of fun but they like the structure of nursery and they do so much more messy play and fun learning activities. It's lovely seeing them playing with friends or talking about them.

The balance feels ok at the moment - although a cleaner would help so we can just focus on family time at the weekends

Hi @ancientemo we also agonised over which nursery and were we doing the right thing etc as you say a universal parenting problem but we were also really aware that we did not want to add to existing trauma/ separation anxieties.

We talked and agonised and in the end decided we had to make the best decision we could for us at the time as a family unit and figure out how to do this in the best way for him. We needed the money from us both working so nursery it was.

He goes for 2 days a week which we are increasing to 3 days next month as he has turned 3 and we are aware school is looming!

The nursery worked really well with us agreeing a slightly longer introduction although I’m guessing covid may have changed this! They have on the whole been understanding. He still lacks some confidence there and we are hoping an extra day will help with this. Overall he seems happy.

Now my favourite part of the days he’s there is him telling me about his day on the way home!

Good luck - it’s really hard at first but does get easier!