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Adoption

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Original poster

Second time adoption intros

13 replies

Yellowdrawersdubs · 17/03/2021 13:28

Just that really, how did people navigate intros when they already had a childi? Interested to hear how it's been managed to get best experience with new LO without excluding your child. Thanks

OP posts:

HopeRose · 17/03/2021 15:40

Adopting with bc. Hi we are just finished the preparation course for Adoption and will be starting the home study. I would be keen to hear of others experiences who had a biological child and went on to adopt. Our son is 7. Not sure how he will react to the intro of a little one.

dimples76 · 17/03/2021 16:08

When I first received plans for intros I was worried that my DS was not involved enough. I think that the plan was for them to meet at FC house on day 4/7. In the end intros were postponed as they were due to start a couple of days after the first lockdown started. As they didn't want to involve any other households and I am a single parent when we went ahead my DS (then 6) was with me throughout. It was even more exhausting but it was also nice to feel that we were doing it all together.

I bought a present for DD to give DS and vice versa and the foster carers also bought a present from DD to DS - this definitely helped on day one

DodoBaggins · 17/03/2021 19:14

We also did introductions during Covid so it was expected that our LB 4years would be there. He was with us every day. We're a couple adopting so we actually split the longer days between us. One of us would go without him in the morning and then the other one would turn up in the afternoon with him, for example. It helped immensely that the foster carer was very welcoming to him and would play with him so we had time to connect and play with the baby we were adopting. There was one day when one of us had to take our eldest home after 2 hours because he had just had enough of not being in his own home. Rather than be frustrated or worried our social worker was really positive about the fact that we recognises this and supported him by one of us leaving.

scully29 · 17/03/2021 20:07

This is really interesting as it must be difficult for existing children to do intros. Thats a really good idea I hadnt thought of Dodobaggins to divide the time abit as I hadnt thought of that.
Hope Rose we are similar with a 7 year old bc and 5 year old too so hes used to having a sibling and has been fine the whole process but having just got approved and made a busy rush to change the rooms into bedroom etc was too much change for him and hes now saying he hates the idea. So I recommend changes slowly and in advance! 5 year old cant wait!

HopeRose · 17/03/2021 21:32

Thank yous, yes will take it slow. Just introducing the idea of another child in the house at the min as conscious only finished the prep course and no idea how long to start home study (bit of a wait I hear in NI). Just wanting to see what initial reaction is. How long did yous find each stage took. Anyone going through the process in N. I. ?

121Sarah121 · 18/03/2021 09:34

We did intros a few years ago now. We had a 5 yr old bc.

Our adopted son lived a considerable distance away so we had to stay nearby. We brought grandma along. We arrived the night before and after checking into our accommodation, we went out for dinner. The next day, grandma took bc to the cinema and out for lunch while we met with Sw and our son. In the evening, we had dinner and went to an ice cream parlour. The next day my husband, bc and I went to foster carers. We spent a short time in the house then went out for lunch and a park returning a few hours later. We went to a museum with our bc in the afternoon. Next day we spent the whole day out with our ac and bc. Grandma met us just before we returned ac back to foster carers and took bc back to the accommodation and did bedtime routine with her. We did ac bedtime routine. Next day we had a meeting with Sw to discuss intros and grandma took bc out for the morning to a park, meeting us for lunch. Bc, husband and I went to foster carers and spent a few hours at the house and collected some of his belongings. We drove home. Ac arrived the next day with foster carers and they spent a few days nearby, popping in to see us.

It worked really well for our birth child as it felt like a bit of a holiday with lots of treats and fun but we could only do that with grandma there (who she absolutely adores). I am aware that practices may have changed and it wouldn’t work for everyone but it worked for us.

HopeRose · 18/03/2021 12:29

Sarah 121 that sounds lovely. Nice to hear the different stages. How did things go in the early days, settling into your home. Did it take bc long to get used to having a little sibling?
Scully29 I’m really keen to hear how the next stage of your journey goes. Very best of luck with it. Exciting times 😀
Dimples76 my son would certainly appreciate the gift idea! How has ac settled in with you now?

Fakinit03 · 18/03/2021 12:59

We have just done intros with our birth child (4) and our new lo (13m).
He came along from day 2 and we just played it by ear. We had the intro plan from the sw but they were happy for us to do our own thing to a certain extent in terms of timing etc. My husband did bedtimes at Foster carers and I stayed home with our son and did his bedtime. It worked really well as my son really wanted me while life was so strange and having a consistent person doing bedtime through intros was better for our daughter. I was really stressed before hand but it was actually fine. We had a little wobble in the last day we had to be at Foster carers. Our 4yr old was really crying that he wanted to go home etc and it really worried me but the next day intros moved to our house and he was a different child. The hardest part is trying to keep them entertained in someone else's house!

Fakinit03 · 18/03/2021 13:04

Just to add he absolutely adores his little sister, constantly keeping an eye on her, moving stuff from her each when he thinks it might not be safe for her. They're always sharing hugs and kisses! I think it has helped her settle with us too as I think kids trust other kids before they trust adults and she can see he is happy and comfortable with us so she is too if that makes sense? Also the fc commented on how much more vocal she became after just a few days around him. She's also switched in a matter of days from exclusively commando style crawling to traditional just from watching him crawl around the floor. It's the most amazing and beautiful thing to watch them bond!

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 18/03/2021 13:12

DS was 5 yo when we did the intros for DD. We had to stay nearby the foster family's town because it was a bit too far to drive every day. DS missed a week of school while we did the introduction and came with us every day. We bought him a present from his new sister (a sticker book of dinosaurs I think) which gave him something to do. He was a very active child so we tried to give him a good run around or play park or something to burn off some energy either before or after seeing DD. If he was unable to settle at the foster family's home one parent took him to the park and the other parent stayed with DD. When we were at the stage of taking DD out with us we went to active places like soft play or the local forest activity centre. We also had a portable DVD player and some favourite films for if he wanted to sit quietly.

Original poster

Yellowdrawersdubs · 18/03/2021 20:57

Thanks all for your contributions. It's really interesting to hear of different approaches and reassuring to hear of children being involved throughout. Sounds to work well for a couple alternating.

I'm a single parent though but there's been no mention of including my family, just of excluding my son. I'm not really happy with it. This is my son's full birth sibling but even if that weren't the case I feel that he should be heavily involved. My worry is that him feeling excluded could be counter productive and potentially damaging for their relationship going forward. I will speak to the social worker about it.

OP posts:

dimples76 · 18/03/2021 21:08

Yellowdrawersdubs I did find that I really had to fight for my DS's needs to be considered. I also think flexibility is key. We were able to stick to the original plan but that was only because DD's foster carers were amazing and quickly built up a rapport with DS. They were so understanding, even when he tried to create a foam party in their downstairs bathroom!

I was also lucky that DD's bedtime was 6:30, DS's was 7:30/8 and the FC house was 15 min drive away. I think otherwise it would have been hard to get to know DD's routine whilst meeting DS's needs

Original poster

Yellowdrawersdubs · 20/03/2021 01:40

Thanks dimples76, foster carers sound amazing! As does DS. :) So lucky too to have been so close to foster carers, a real help that, am so glad it all worked out for you. Were you direct in battling for your DS's needs or did you have to be more delicate about it? I'm a bull at a gate and don't think that's welcomed. :)

Am definitely going to question proposals next week.

Think I'm going to have to post another question now unless any of you here have had experience of it. I had to change my child's (adopted) name completely due to safeguarding issues. They are referred to throughout sibling's documents with a clear mix of both names. Is this usual? I know confidentiality is tight but know too that SWs are human and systems not infallible, so mistakes are possible. As this is my child and I have PR do I have the right to say what my child should be referred to in these documents? Suppose the match doesn't go ahead after all this, that's other adopters having my child's birth and current name. I am not comfortable with it. Anybody dealt with this?

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