Food issues

[2mums1son]

Our son is 6, been with us 4 years this year. Obviously what we know of his early life is from CPR etc and we've met Mum who quite obviously has an eating disorder. He was born slightly prem and slightly small, but is tall for his age and slim. He is very active (we walked 8 miles yesterday for example!)

The issue is food. He literally can't get enough. There's always plenty of food in the house and we have regular mealtimes and he is allowed snacks in between (if not too close to meals) He eats a wide varied diet and eats plenty at meals. Breakfast today was a fromage frais, grapes, brioche, cereal and then raisins on the way to school. He just doesn't seem to feel full.

Yesterday we had a late lunch and whilst eating it (a massive roast) he was already asking about tea.

I've read advice before about snack boxes etc but he doesn't demand snacks constantly and I think if I gave him a snack box he would just eat it all by 9.30am. He has never taken food for the cupboards without asking.

I am obviously thinking it is linked to in utero hunger or maybe a lack of food as a baby (he was removed at 10 months to FC) but I just want to know how to support him to understand.

He is learning about food at school so understands about balanced diet, food groups etc.

Thanks in advance!

My son has food anxiety due to his early trauma. When he joined our family a few years ago, I gave him small snacks or meals every 2 hours so he never felt hungry. Although he can be a little more flexible, he panics if he starts to feel hunger. He experiences hunger as terror. He doesn’t understand what it feels like to be hungry.

Because of his early experiences, he is also always asking about food. What are we having for lunch? What are we having for dinner tomorrow? When are you going to the shops? He still worries that he might not get fed. I wonder if it is similar for your son?

My son loves cooking and preparing food. He also loves food shopping. He needs to be reminded a hundred times a day that we can always buy more food and that it’s soon snack time. He asks for food if he is feeling anxious or bored. I often respond with “I am surprised to hear that you are hungry as you had lunch an hour ago. I wonder if the feeling in your tummy is an anxious feeling or I wonder if you are feeling a bit bored so want to eat because it’s something to do. Would you like to play a game instead?” Due to the amount of food he gets, he usually says he doesn’t need any food. It just gives him comfort. Could that be why he was asking for food on the way to school? I’m just sharing our experiences and it might not be the same for you.

@121Sarah121 @121Sarah121sounds very similar. How old is your son now? Does he eat a wide varied diet? My son eats healthily-he doesn’t seem to “care” what the food offered is-will eat a banana as happily as a chocolate bar. It’s just a desire for food.

@Monkeybrains2017 my son is 5 now and been with us a few years now. He will eat anything but now starting to show a preference and will leave food if he has had enough (success!!) if I offer something new, and he doesn’t like it (look of disgust) he will still eat it and will argue that he likes it. I also couldn’t give him a treat box because he can’t regulate his own eating and only starting to leave food he hates (I always put veg on his plate) or stop when he is full (on occasion). I need to be careful with portion sizes as he has made himself feel ill and there is no chance I can take food from him.

I think it’s just a case of he will always have issues with food and that’s ok.

@121Sarah121
I'm going to PM you if its OK!

It is common for boys of that age to have phenomonal appetites. My dc are all tall and slim with huge, huge appetities. They are also allowed snacks, and they don't take food from cupboards when I have asked them not to. If I gave them a snack box they would devour it without thinking. They are also very active, and if your dc will happily do 8 mile walks, they will need a lot of food for energy. Active children burn off food. I honestly think what you have said sounds normal for active boys with healthy metabolisms.

The asking about what is for dinner while eating lunch doesn't happen with mine though, and I actually think it could be that because you think there is an issue, it is making him worry.

I would try to relax and not see his eating so much as a problem. If you are truly worried check with his GP, I am certain they would reassure you.

If he's slim I really wouldn't worry, just ensure it is balanced and have healthy snacks available (carrot sticks and cucumber have very few calories for instance). If he's growing a lot it might simply be that. For reassurance it's worth speaking to your social worker about whether you can see a nutritionist (phone call most likely) who can tell you how many calories he needs etc. And track weight and height on a chart so you can see if starts to gain faster than he should. He was in foster care young so far more likely to be growth making him hungry

Sorry just to clarify that I am only responding to the OP's posts. If your child makes themselves ill eating too much that does change things. My dc do leave food if they aren't hungry, and they tend to be more hungry in the afternoon than in the morning, and if they are doing something exciting they will forget to eat, and need to be reminded to prevent a sugar crash. But at the same time, their appetite is absolutely huge, if that makes sense. They have cereal, egg and carbs for breakfast, a lunch which most people would call dinner, and then a huge dinner. I discussed with the GP when they were younger, and there was no issue. My brothers and my DH can all hoover up and entire kitchen in one sitting too, and none are overweight.

My son is exactly the same as you describe at age 5, but not adopted and I had a full and healthy diet whilst pregnant. I've always allowed him to eat pretty much as much as he want of healthy food. He has always had a huge appetite, from breastfeeding to eating. It still shocks me now how much my 2 children eat and both are tall and slim, not overweight in the slightest.

They both eat FAR more calories than me as a grown woman. Your son's response to food and his appetite could be entirely 'normal'.

Your son sounds similar to my daughter at that age. Since he is very active, he will need large amounts of food. If he is slim and not purging, he is not overeating. That doesn't mean there isn't an issue though.

Due to early lie experiences, my daughter used to panic if she did not get food instantly when hungry. We used to have our family rules at the fridge and one was "we always have enough food" to increase her feeling of safety.

She could eat as much as she liked for dinner times, so she would often have 3 large portions. If she looked full but wanted more, we would gently say: "Are you sure you need more food? Feel into your tummy. How does it feel?" to increase her awareness. She would then often just take one more bean, just to be able to chew a bit more. Chewing calms her down.

We did use to regulate her snacks, but they were still large. Just to give you an idea: In the afternoon she would usually have an apple, a banana, 4 rice cakes, a pepper, carrots and a small sweetie, eg. a rock.

We had a rhythm of meal, snack, meal, snack, meal with about 2 hours in between and tried to keep meal times calm (no tv). Had we not done this, my daughter would have eaten non-stop. We also never had a snack box.

The constant asking and talking about food is very familiar to me. My daughter memorises people by the food we have had with them. She knows there will always be food, but if she gets very hungry her survival brain still takes over. She very often chews gum or on a "chewie" (you can get them on Amazon) in order to calm down her anxiety. When she was little, I always had gum on me.

So we have tried to give her a sense of how she could be eating in the long run and tried to increase her awareness for when she is full. We have also tried hard to keep eating fun and to see it as something that is immensely enjoyable.

We have always been positive about food when talking to others. Other mums very often commented after play dates on how much my girls ate and I used to respond proudly along the lines of "yes, we all eat a lot!". At home we have conversations about how it isn't fun to eat with picky eaters, so my daughters can feel good about their eating behaviours and not ashamed - and because that is how we feel.

My daughter is 14 now and still working on improving her ability to distinguish between "I am hungry" and "I am worried/scared/etc", which is at the root of the problem.

I am pretty certain, OP, that you are not causing this problem. To me it sounds as some other posters might not be adopters and don't know about the effects of early trauma on the brain.

Hello following with interest if you don't mind as encountering the same concern with my son who would also not have been very well.nourished in utero

Your description of your DS is so similar to mine. He also asks what is for the next meal while still eating the current one. He constantly asks for snacks but is as happy with celery or frozen peas and corn as he would be with crisps or sweets so it’s not just that he wants junk.
In his case he has ASD and the OT thinks that it is linked to his interoceptive sense. He doesn’t experience feeling full. He also craves sensory feedback from chewing so we have had a little success with providing chewies to satisfy that. Although your DSs cause may be different it might help to use sensory strategies and see if any help.

@PocketFullOfPuddocks - if you don't mind me asking, how old was your son when you got the ASD diagnosis? I keep wondering about getting an OT involved. Did you access that via ASF?

@2mums1son I’m sorry if I misled you, DS isn’t adopted but your description of your DS was so familiar I had to comment! I read this board because my niece is adopted and reading here has really helped me learn more to support my sister. I do think the sensory thing is worth exploring though. DS was almost 5 when diagnosed and, without a doubt, the OT has been the most useful and supportive professional out of many! Our area does self referral sensory workshops and then follows up with more individual programmes if needed. Understanding how sensory processing worked was like someone had suddenly translated my sons manual into English and I finally understood why he did so many of the things he does. It didn’t help me solve all of the issues or his difficulties but understanding them has made me much more accepting and patient with him.

I am pretty certain, OP, that you are not causing this problem. To me it sounds as some other posters might not be adopters and don't know about the effects of early trauma on the brain OP I didn't mean to suggest you were causing the problem, more that you might not be aware that appetite and food intake varies hugely (people not being aware because it is outside their experience is highlighted in yolande's post). I am certainly not minimising the possibility of trauma causing food problems, and it is well known that food issues can be linked to emotional issues. But in my experience adopters can be hypervigililant too, and because of what you had written in your OP it occurred to me that you were not aware that what you were describing in terms of food intake falls within normal, and if that were the case it is possible that your dc has picked up on your concerns about how much they eat.

However, I did remember after posting about one of my dc asking about the next meal, it happened a couple of times when we were on holiday, away from home. I dealt with it directly, by explaining what was in my head in terms of the plan for the next meal, and also asking their opinion on it, so that they knew it was in mind and to get their input about what they wanted.

Trauma symptoms can look similar to ASD symptoms, and for both there will be vast spectrum of minor to major impact.

Our 8 year old has massive food issues/obsessions. Always asking for snacks, what's for the next meal, how long til next meal. Constant questions about food. If we were to offer him a sweet treat or fruit, he will go for whatever is biggest, regardless if what it is. We have had instances of him climbing across table and stealing food from others plates. Snack boxes don't work as he eats everything in one go. All we can do is keep the cupboards full and reassure him he will be fed. Takes a packed lunch to school so he knows he has food "in case they forget to give me a school dinner".

Thanks for all your responses. Lots of different things to think about. Glad to hear I’m not the only one with a child who would not benefit from a snack box. Always interesting to hear different viewpoints but I think as the parent of a child who has experienced ACE, you always have to think about things more deeply than maybe a parent of a child who has experienced none has to.

I very much agree with your last post. Plus, trust your instinct. If you think there is something more behind it, most likely it is. You know your child and non-adopters usually have a huge tendency to normalise and to minimise things, because they only get to see the tip of the iceberg.

Hi @2mums1son, I saw this and wondered if it may be of interest. I follow Sarah Fisher on twitter! sarahfishercoaching.simplero.com/page/198596

Thanks @Patchyman1