Should we adopt again?

[SFCA]

Hi Everyone,

We have one wonderful AS who has been with us since he was tiny. He has very complex needs so can’t express an opinion on whether he would like to have a sibling or remain an only child.

DH and I are at something of a crossroads and are trying to decide whether we:

• continue fostering
• stop fostering and adopt again
• swap to respite / short term foster care
• don’t foster or adopt

If we did adopt again we would adopt another little one with complex needs. Our thoughts are a bit jumbled at the moment and we really respect your opinions so...

Our reasons to adopt:
-neither of us are only children and we always thought we would have more than one child

• we know we can meet the needs to 2 children
• more stability than fostering
• despite his complex needs we think our son has something to gain from having a sibling

Reasons not to adopt:

• the process 😫 to be completely honest we do not relish the idea of going through it all again. We are also concerned that given our son’s complex needs SWs may think adopting again is not a good idea?
• our son came to us as a foster placement first and we fell in love with him before adopting. We are a bit worried that with typical adoption you don’t really get a sense of how well you will ‘gel’ with with the child and vice versa.
• Our son’s needs are lifelong, we are both in our early 30s at the moment but when we are older we would have to consider the significant care needs of two adults.
• Fear! I am sure the fears that everyone has, what if we don’t love them the way we love our son? What if this would be the wrong decision for our son and our family?

Sorry this is super long but probably gives an idea of how mixed up we are 😂

Thoughts appreciated

I think the main issue for me would be the long term care

I have a friend with a young adult son ( not adopted) who has quite complex needs. Quite frankly its been a nightmare getting him a suitable placement. He wasnt able to live at home from his mid teens and that was difficult enough but adult services have been worse.

Good luck with your decision making

If it helps, the process is so much simpler the second time around! Much more chilled out!

Well as you may remember @SFCA we are in the same position though the other way around. We have our long term foster child with complex needs and adopted our youngest one who also has extremely complex needs. It is hard work having 2 and we also have the worry of what will happen long term if we die before our adopted son ( we are mid 50s so a lot older than you).
We are also at a crossroads because our fc may need residential care in a while ( aged 15 now ) as he is challenging and aggressive which will break our hearts. So we have to decide whether to adopt him now if we can ( Though legal complications there so may not be possible anyway ) or risk losing him to the system as an adult who we will have no legal link to.
We also want to adopt again if we do then have a free room and would also want another child with complex needs as it is so hard for them to find a family with all they have going on.
So my bottom line is this , children like ours find it v v hard to find a family to claim them for life so if you can do it for another one then why not especially as we have the skills and experience to cope . That is my viewpoint though of course you may feel completely different and i am just explaining my mindset on it all. Anyway I would love to know what you decide .

I don't think I am quite the right person to reply to your post but here goes. We have had 8 children placed for adoption 4 with Down Syndrome and 4 with complex needs, sadly 4 have died one before the adoption order was finalised. Something perhaps you should factor in.
Do I have any regrets, a big fat no despite the sadness they have given us so much joy. My only concern as flapjackfairy has said is the future, it it scares me stiff but it is something to think about even though you are as young whippersnapper. Good luck.

We previously had someone long term with complex needs from 6-13 years.

Unfortunately we have just moved the young person on to a residential as it got to the point where we were being attacked and we were physically and mentally drained and it was affecting the rest if the house hold, to the point it made me ill.

Whilst it has broke our hearts and i am still grieving the loss, the young person is thriving in a residential, getting their needs met, and thankfully we have been lucky to continue the relationship.

Would i do it again unsure at the moment (but no regrets) but i also now that i gave the young person an amazing start to trust adults meet their needs and wouldn't be so happy in the environment they are in now if we hadn't.

Thank you all for your responses. A year ago we would have adopted again without a second thought. In fact we wanted to adopt our long term foster child but that’s another story. However after doing 16 weeks at home with both of them, with one of us working from home, no day support and loads of uncovered nights (which means one of us has to be awake all night) we were absolutely exhausted and had never been more aware of the responsibility that comes with adoption! It has been a tough year, as it has been for everyone and a shock as every bit of support was swept out from under us. Parenting children with complex needs always necessitates being a Jack of all trades but suddenly we were parents, nurses, physiotherapists, teachers, SALT, OT, TOD, TVI and countless others and completely trapped in our house.

@flapjackfairy the similarities between our children always strikes me! Our adopted child and foster child are very like yours but the other way round. I am sorry you are facing the prospect of residential care. I am sure whatever the legal status of your son if this happens you will still make sure he feels claimed and part of your family.

Can I ask if you have discussed adopting again with SS? I have found the attitude towards children with complex needs within adoption circles quite alarming!

@Mynamenotaccepted thank you for sharing your experience. We have LTF 2 children that have passed away, it was heartbreaking but I don’t regret caring for them for a second. 8 children is amazing!!!!!

@Ted27 fear of the future is definitely a big thing for us. Our son’s needs are constantly evolving, we seem to be adding a new diagnosis every 6 months at the moment. Like others we have the terror of what will happen to him if something happens to us.

Thank you all again

@SFCA we have revisited adoption again yes but it is like banging our heads on a wall and the escalating aggression and subsequent disruption to the whole family makes us wonder if it would be wise at this point. Honestly I am driving myself mad going round it all in my head trying to see the best way forward. We have 2 adult children still at home and of course our little one is v vulnerable so it is a full time job keeping everyone safe. And like you we have been stuck at home for the last year with v little support. We went 10 months with no outside help at all last year just 24 hrs off last July. It was dh and me 24 /7 . like you I spend a lot of nights awake so it takes its toll. I honestly think families with complex needs kids were completely forgotten about throughout the majority of this whole pandemic .
Maybe we need time to recharge when this is all over and mental space to analyse it all. Perhaps the way forward will be clearer then .
One final thought is that I try not to look too far ahead because as we know the future can be v uncertain. We need to form a club to support each other and explore solutions to the long term plans we need to put in place in case out children do outlive us after all. I wish I had friends in real life like you and @Mynamenotaccepted to meet up with but unfortunately I seem to be a bit of a freak as my friends are buying bungalows and cruising towards retirement . They are at that stage of life of course as am I but somehow I can't let go of the dream to adopt again.

@flapjackfairy if only life came with a set of instructions! Sounds like we are both at a crossroads. It can be so hard to know what will work out for the best.

I know exactly what you mean about friends too, unless you live it you just don’t get it! We had the opposite, I was in my early 20s, my friends were drinking and clubbing I was sitting up on hospital wards night after night 🤷‍♀️ Our lives were how we wanted them and that’s all that matters but it would be so nice to have people nearby who have the same challenges.

I think maybe we need to put decision making on hold for a while and just recover from the last year. We are so tired and probably not the right time to be making these decisions.

Wishing you the best of luck with your dream to adopt again, I hope you find a open-minded SW who can see that you wouldn’t take it on if you didn’t know you can do it. Any child would be very lucky to have you

@SFCA
Thank you. Ditto to you.
Though like you I dread the thought of the process if we do adopt again . In my naivety I thought we would have sw queing at the door to snap us up as we wanted a child with complex needs who are so hard to place (so we are told ). Oh how wrong I was ! I found the system v gruelling and draining. There has to be a better way in my opinion. I am breaking out in a sweat just thinking about it

Hi there @SFCA, don't want to be doom and gloom but I would want people's honest experiences. I'm eíght months into the process of adopting again. Not a child with 'complex needs but the sibling of my adopted child, I wasn't looking to adopt again but was asked by SWs if I would. Unfortunately my experience has been the complete opposite to JellyBumNBunnyHun's. Far from easier this time around the process is not only lengthy and stressful but unnecessarily so. I still have to wait another two months to be matched with a child they have asked me to adopt.

I am constantly stressed and tearful and almost every day, numerous times a day, I feel like throwing in the towel and telling them to find a different family. I am appalled by the process. Was also told it would be quicker and easier second time around but certainly is not the case.

Hopefully your experience would be totally different to mine and the system would work as it should. But I wouldn't want you to go into it thinking it'll be easier next time around, it has brought me to my knees. So frustrating that a system in place to protect children and give them the best outcomes continues to fail them.

Had I known eíght months ago what I know now I would've said no.