Anybody know how I feel?

[tractormadmumof3]

Hi I am a new to mumsnet and want to know if anyone else feels like me? I am 30 in 4 weeks time and 13 years ago had a baby boy adopted mainly due to pressure from my family as they where absolutely disgusted and made it quite clear I wouldnt get any help if I kept him. I had to pick his suitable parents from lots of profiles and create a life story book and I have contact by letter twice a year which I am extremely lucky for however I am a total mess! I now have 3 beautiful sons a 10yr old and a 2yr old and 9month old all boys! My husband of 3 years is really great and my eldest knows but at times I cant cope with all the feeings! I mainly hate myself for giving him up especially as I now have 3 sons and as he has said one day he would like to meet us I am petrified as that day is fast approaching! I also found out recently as my mum told me that she was in a difficult position when I had this baby as my stepdad told her if she helped me he would leave her! He is not bad but I know he has felt guilty about this over the years but I feel devastated my mum chose a man over me! I also have had postnatal depression after my pregnancys and this time I have taken a small dose of antidepressant and it helps but with a busy family is it normal to feel so desperate at times? I dont want to burden my husband all the time and would love to hear from anyone who either has an opinion or a similar situation as I feel like the only young person to have had a child adopted!

I don't ahve any answers tractormad but I know this used to go on quite a lot (less so now, TG) so i'm sure someone will have some good advice for you!
-to you.

Thanks for that hope so!

I adopted my DS so otehr side of the coin as it were however I know that there is certinaly at least one other MN'er who had a child adopted young who has no contact and will probably wander on at some point for a chat. You will find the adoption community here on MN (parents, children, brith and adoptive) are very supportive of each other and do tend to check out all the adoption threads so you should get some more advice from someone in due course.

I would say that you have two separate (though linked) issues to think about/deal with.

• you mothers lack of support for you and you disappointment in her for that.
• you feeling about possible contact with your first baby.

generally prior to actually having contact there would be counselling for both parties which I hope would help.

can you articulate to yourslef what exaclty you would be terrified about if/when you meet him?

Hi thanks for your reply kewcumber I think I would be terrified he hates me! He has already asked the question why I didnt keep him but kept my son who is 10 and I tried to explain but if I am honest I longed to have a baby and planned him but he never was a replacement as I thought he might be, that may sound awful but I thought it would make the pain easier but it didnt he is a totally different boy and I wouldnt want it any other way. I just feel guilty for putting this child I had adopted through a lifetime of wondering and thinking about things no child should have to, like why wasnt I wanted, was I loved and also if and when I met him even though I gave birth to him I dont really know him at all!

But you haven't put him through a lifetime of wondering have you? You can answer his questions honestly now especially as he has asked.

At 13 I think you can be pretty honest with him without being brutal. That when you gave him up for adoption you were only ...age and your family refused to support you and you didn't feel you had any choice. Another three years made you that little bit older and more confident that you could manage with or without your family and that had he been the baby you had when you were more mature/capable then you would have kept him, because he was perfect in everyway and the reason you weren't able to keep him was because of you and not because of him.

I'm not wanting to put words in your mouth of course

I think its perfectly reasonable to tell him that you have worried for years that you made the right decision for him and are very glad to have been able to be a part of the process of choosing his parents and to be able to have some contact. Though obviously I'd be wary of communicating too much of your guilt.

The truth is that the person that he is today is partly because you gave him up for adoption. He isn't necessarily a better person as a result or a worse person just a different person and no-one involved in his life can really regret that becuase they all love the person who exists today.

Children have been bought up by people other than their parents for thousands of years, adoption is a fairly normal (if painful) fact of life. People do far worse things to their children than what you did, which was the best you could at the time.

Yes I agree and for what it's worth we have adopted children of a similar age. I think you would feel quite reassured if you could hear them talking about BMs - empathisising with their difficulties and feeling grateful for choices that were made at relinquishment and at placement. (Not that we have encouraged a feeling of gratitude because it's obviously not part of most children's experience to feel grateful for having parents) But really just that empathy - an appreciation of how hard it must have been and how sorry they feel that anyone should have been in the situation of giving birth and relinquishing a child. Certainly so far no anger or resentment is at all evident - they would like to know more about BPs though (sadly for them not very likely)
I do think it's worth taking advantage of counselling with those very experienced in adoption matters, I feel sure it would help.....

Thankyou for your replies yes I do think counselling would help and I am going to sort it out soon. Your comments have helped alot as I have never spoke to anyone on the other side of the coin apart from my adopted childs mum and she is lovely! however I dont ask her questions like this just general such as how he is getting on! Thankyou!

hi tractormadmum

i agree with the others who say you shoudl think about counselling. everything you are saying about how you feel now and how you felt after your first son was born is entirely normal. Lots of women whose babies are adopted have another asap. just the same as women who have a still birth or whose baby dies. of course its not a replacement - its because you feel such a huge sense of loss, you dont knwo what to do

please think about speaking to an experinced adoption counsellor - you have lots and lots of issues to work through. you ask if its nromal to feel "desperate" with a busy family. Well i have 3 kids under 8 and i often feel exhausted but not desperate - i think you are grieving for your olderst child and everything that happened then

please dont worry about your son hating you - he is only a few years younger than you were when you had him and he will be growing in underatsnding as to how complicated these decisions are, especially as a teenager with adults pressurising you.

if you plan to meet up soon you ALL will need soem support

Thankyou Kristina M thats nice of you to reply and yes I am sorting out some counselling with a specialist in adoption and am feeling more positive thanks!

Hi Tractormadmum, I adopted a son when he was still a baby (did you mean me Kewcumber? ). I think that you showed a lot of love and care for your son, and still do. At a time that was emotionally difficult for you you chose the best possible family for him, you made him a life story book and you have continued to keep in touch.

I am so impressed by the way that you continue to put him and his feelings first when it's so painful for you. My ds's birth mother loved him very much, and I will always tell ds that, but I think she was not emotionally strong. She completely disappeared before the decision to place ds with us was made, and I really wish that we knew more about her or that there was some contact so that ds can ask questions in the future.

Your son's adoptive mother sounds lovely, and I'm sure that she has told him a sympathetic and realistic adoption history. I think that as he approaches the age that you were when you gave him up he will really appreciate how hard it would have been for you to give him the childhood he deserved with no support at all from your family. As terrifying as a meeting seems now, it may set your mind at rest when it does happen. And I'm sure that your eldest son and your other 3 sons will gain a lot from knowing each other.

Best wishes, however it goes. Perhaps it might set your mind a rest if you did ask his adoptive mother how she thinks he feels about you. If he is positive about you and knows that you love him and always have then you will be relieved, if he is negative then at least you will be able to work towards addressing that and you won't be anxious about not knowing.

did I mean you what, bran?

I have a lot of respect and sympathy for you Tractor. It just goes to show that decisions made over teenage pregnancies are not very much in the hands of the teenage mother, who is subject to the pressures of those around her. You did the best you could in an impossible situation and far from hating yourself should be proud that you gave life to this 13 year old who is presumably being brought up in a stable environment. You do not mention the father of your given-away child; it takes two to tango and I wonder how much support he offered at the time.

Oh, I see. I must stop skim-reading.

aha - hadn't thought it could be read like that!

thankyou for all your kind notes that everyone has left, have had two little ones poorly just recent so no time to check messages. Yes Bran you made a good point maybe I should ask his mum how he feels about me and being adopted? Its his birthday soon and I normally hate christmas because of this but this year for the sake of my 3 boys at home I am determined to not be glum as they love christmas! If anyone knows of anyone who has had their child adopted at a young age Id love to speak to them thanks!

CAT me if you want tractormadmumof3.

I had a boy adopted at birth just over 18 years ago. (I now have 2 more boys aged 8 and 10).

Rx

Tractormad,

when we did our adoption preparation, one of the sessions was on the birth parents' perspective, and we learned that our local authority post-adoption team actually runs a birth mothers' support group - it was open to anyone who had had a child adopted. There were a couple of mums who spoke to us and of all the sessions it has stayed with me most. They cared about their children so much but also the group had been a real support to them.

Might it be worth contacting your local adoption team, to see whether they have something similar? at least you may have the chance to meet some other people in your situation.

Adolescence is a time when a lot of adopted children really struggle with identity so if you can answer his questions honestly and reassuringly it might actually help him come to terms with it and keep the relationship open for when he is older, if he wants to meet you.

Bit of an update to you all have arranged counselling and received a contact letter and photos from his adoptive family and im feeling alot more positive now thanks to all who replied! Yes I would like to chat to you roisin but Im a bit new to this so i will give it a try!

Tractormad, good luck with the counselling. Just wanted to say that what you did was very brave. And though you are right to feel sad that your mum didn't support you as much as she should have, you should feel proud of yourself - you got through that time and ensured your son got a loving family to bring him up when circumstances meant you couldn't. You did a good thing for him.

I really feel women who give up their children for adoption don't get enough support and praise. IMHO I think it's a brave and loving thing to do.

I'm sure adopted children don't necessarily immediately see it like this but as beemail said, many do. I think having a "different" story often serves to make children more understanding and more able to empathise than children from bog standard nuclear families so I wouldn't be surprised if your son has this sort of maturity. I hope so anyway, and I hope you get some peace through the counselling.

Hi tractormadmummy: I look forward to hearing from you!
Rx

hello

i was adopted nearly thirty years ago and have just had my own baby. i met my birth mother six years ago and now see her a few times a year. I have always thought of her choice as a brave decision and I've never felt a moments anger. I waited to approach her until I was 24 and for her sake I wish I had done so earlier.

she was terrified when we met and we took things very very slowly. I love my half brother to bits, he's three years younger. My sister isn't really interested and my birth mother tries to protect me from that.

I want to give you encouragement as you may gain a wonderful relationship, albeit a strange one. i would be very nervous about meeting a 13 yr old boy but it sounds like his parents are as supportive as mine. I can't imagine having the book and minimum information he has about you. i had nothing much until i was eighteen. it must be strange imagining your family and he is obviously very curious.

i hope all goes well and you find solace from a meeting. my bio mum gradually stopped feeling depressed and the birth of my child has helped enormously. Without her brave choice I wouldn't be where I am.