Mother's Day

[UnderTheNameOfSanders]

Does anyone else on here feel somewhat ambivalent towards Mother's Day?
This will be my 14th, but I never feel it goes well.
All I want is a nice card from each, and then some consideration on the day - e.g getting to do what i want to do, being offered occasional drinks.
But from eldest I tend to get cards that say 'from' not 'love from'. I never really get whether she understands it is hurtful or whether she just doesn't get social convention (though I tried to guide her over the years with any cards she wrote to anyone else). Or am I really still second best after all these years?
Younger does nice cards often with a thoughtful message too, but is a teen now and suffering from MH issues and needs her own world.
I haven't seen my Mum since August due to distance and covid.
It's not a day I am looking forward to. Again.

I wouldn't expect to be getting to do what I wanted all day, but flowers and a card is nice.

I would ask the younger if she wants to go with you to buy you some flowers and a card on the Saturday, choose them together, but say it is fine if she doesn't want to. I would say a similar thing to the older one. I really do honestly think "from" is absolutely fine in terms of social convention, it is better that it comes genuinely from her.

I would put a rocket under your DH and get him to buy you flowers and a card and make you breakfast. And do the same for him on father's day.

I hope you have a lovely restful day!

We have always managed to have good days. As I’m on my own, the first few years nanny helped get a card and small present.

When he got a bit older I would take him to a local shop, show him a few things and leave him to choose something, the owner helped him with wrapping.
This year I gave him the link to notonthehighstreet and told him to search Mothers Day.
I think its important that he makes a token effort on birthdays, Christmas and mothers day.

Last year he went to the co-op and bought me two very large bars of galaxy ( he knows me well) and the kind of card you would give to your great auntie nellie.
It was fine, I didnt want him to spend a lot of money, Just to acknowledge that life isnt just about him. He grumbles, which is also OK

That's not what I meant really. (16 & early twenties).
I probably haven't explained myself very well.

It's hard, when days you feel should be important, momentous, or special... Just aren't.

Perhaps this is better than telling you they fucking hate you all year, and being fake on this one day?!

I havent seen my mum since July for the same reasons @UnderTheNameOfSanders

are you thinking they don’t bother so much because you are the adoptive mum and not birth mum?

I also have to tell my son what to write in cards, I don’t think it comes naturally to him at all. I know he doesnt think I am second best but also I don’t think he would bother if I didnt walk round wondering aloud when he is going shopping. It doesnt occur to him without the prompt

My two are younger but they both get very excited about birthdays and celebrations. My DD particularly is as excited about Mother’s Day or my birthday as she is about her own, and my DS is very thoughtful. We really cultivate that by being enthusiastic and making a big deal of their birthdays and doing the dragging round the shops and pointing stuff that @Ted27 describes.

Both mine now have their own pocket money so can pay for gifts for others, my son bought me flowers from his this week “because mums should get treats too”.

I don’t feel ambivalent about Mother’s Day, it’s not a huge deal but it took me a very long time to become a mum and I enjoy the little bit of fuss. If my kids didn’t do it, I’d do it myself, to remind myself of my value as their mum.

I think that younger children are more likely to get excited, and as they become teenagers and young adults more selfabsorbed and focused on peers, and then revert to wanting to pay their mother attention as they mature towards their mid twenties?! I might be talking nonsense there though.

OP, do get your DH to make a fuss and treat you, though.

I totally agree @ratspats, I’m enjoying it while it lasts, but will do something for myself if/when they reach that point - Mother’s Day is a celebration for me regardless of whether the kids want to/are able to.

I totally get you @UnderTheNameOfSanders feeling pretty ambivalent towards Mother's Day myself. This will be my third.

My LOs struggle with any 'event' and the lead up to them, as many of our kids do. Just can't cope with the anticipation and we have lots of self sabotaging behaviour. It's not helped that 2 of them have birthdays coming up too.

My middle child seems particularly triggered by Mother's Day, I'm certainly getting a lot more "you're not my real mum" type aggression from her in the run up to it.

The day won't get much acknowledgement here although my DH will make sure I get a card and my youngest has been colouring in a picture which will be lovely.

Mother's Day has been difficult for many years, I lost my own mum in my twenties and struggled through 8 years of recurrent miscarriage, 3 due date birthdays in March alone.

I knew that 'events' would be difficult for my children, I read all the books, I do the therapeutic parenting. I make little of the day to keep things as quiet and settled as possible but it does make me sad.

So yeah, meh to Mother's Day from me too. I propose a large gin to dull the pain.

charliesays13 I am sorry about your mother. I lost one of my parents when I was a young child, so I can empathise.

I knew that 'events' would be difficult for my children, I read all the books, I do the therapeutic parenting. I make little of the day to keep things as quiet and settled as possible but it does make me sad not all adopted children find "events" difficult and there are things you can do to make it better for them - mainly talking to them, getting them to express how they really feel, and validating their feelings. You need to do this if you want to move on with them and have them treat you with kindness - which is basically what Mother's Day is about. As parent you need to teach them how to deal with their own feelings and how to be empathetic about other people's feelings. You can't bury it by saying "this is how it is for adoption" as it won't get better for them or you unless you go through what is needed to be gone through and help them out the other side.

Do you acknowledge with the middle one that you are not her "real" mum, and when she is aggressive about it, ask if it is because Mother's Day is coming up and ask her what she wants to do about it, what she would ideally do on Mother's Day if she could? Would she say she wanted to send her "real" mother a card and if so how would you deal with that?

Other than a large gin, what would truly make you happy on Mother's Day? Having a private time to make yourself feel happier about that might help?

Could you change the celebration a bit, instead of "Mother's Day" make it "CharlieSays13's Day to say Thank You for doing all the Cooking and Cleaning"? With a big card from DH saying that, and flowers?

Thanks for weighing in @ratspats however I wasn't looking for advice. I'm on the whole happy pretty happy with how I am parenting my 3 significantly traumatised wee people and marvel daily at how far they have came in such a short space of time.

I merely was showing the OP some solidarity in understanding her point of view about one day of the year, as I share it.

And yes, once my kids are in bed a large gin will certainly put a smile on my face come Sunday....

I’ve had very few mothers days. Husband seems to not bother telling him or helping him arrange or do anything. It was the same in my birthday last year. My sister always thinks she has to do it but to be honest I wish she wouldn’t. I know exactly how hard it is for him, he remembers his mum well and of course it was never going to he easy. It does annoy me that husband doesn’t take the time to do it. This year however I can’t even mention anything as he lost his own mother in August so I don’t want to add to that. I always feel dread rather than being excited about these days because I know nothing is going to happen. I never ever forget Father’s Day or birthdays from our son and always explain family occasions to him even though now 15 he doesn’t seem to care or think about it himself. I’ve tried hinting by asking him what he would like to get his other granny

I always feel dread rather than being excited about these days because I know nothing is going to happen.

I take a different tact with this, while it would be lovely if someone would just do something for me without my input, I also think it’s my job to teach my kids how to show care for themselves, each other and for their parents. I have no problem explaining about Mother’s Day or whichever holiday and helping them to prepare whatever thing we’re going to do. In my view it helps with a number of things, eg the world isn’t all about them, they enjoy treats and so do others, showing care for others is a good thing, knowing your own wants and needs (and communicating these) is also a good thing.

I know traditionally there’s the sense that Mother’s Day is the one day when others look out for/after you and you may just be tired of always driving things but having a conversation about how you’d like to be treated and making arrangements for that to happen is ok too.

@CharlieSays13 I wrote from experience and it might have been unwanted but it was right. You feeling sad doesn't make it ok to be rude and passive aggressive to other posters.

@ratspats Me commenting on a post to the OP of said post doesn't make it ok for you to tell me what I need to do with my children. My reply to you wasn't rude or passive aggressive. I pointed out that your advice wasn't asked for it required. It still isn't.

This is my first mother's day as a mum.

As a child and adult with untreated ADHD until I was in my late 20s... I have always found these occasions pretty stressful. Just organising a gift, card etc sounds so simple but wasn't for me! My poor mother got a lot of hastily put together coupons which she never even used! Once I got up at 4am to make her breakfast in bed, served it at 5am (!!) And gave her food poisoning.

So going into this I feel like I have pretty low expectations. I'm preparing for LO to have complicated feelings about the day when he's old enough to understand.

However we are two mums so at least we can use it as an excuse to treat each other. We had afternoon tea together today with LO.

I've actually had a nice day.
A text from DD1 early on and some chocolates in the post.
A hand drawn/coloured card from DD2 with a nice message that she had taken time over.
Then I drove DD2 an hour each way to therapy & had nice chats in the car and listened to The Archers whilst waiting for her.
Cream tea when we got home (requested by me but organised in the shop by DH).

We had to rename the day to 'family day' after our AS asked if we could call his birth mum today to wish her happy mothers day. He doesn't know yet that he is only to have one final contact with her (long story and thanks SW for dragging that out unnecessarily). He also made us a joint mothers day card and had to be told, in a very kind and diplomatic way that it wasnt appropriate because we have different roles in his life so something separate would be better.
Family day went well as a family is completely new for him and it means we all got something special. It was still tough but a lot easier with it's new name. He was feeling huge guilt at not spending mothers day with his birth mum so even though i've waited at least 8 years for a mothers day I suggested we leave that day for his birth mum. Even though he didn't have previous happy mothers day with her his mind is full of memories and hope of what should have been. Family day was brand new and he's already began planning the next one which some of you may know as 'fathers day' 😉

Thinking of you., Runner.

@Runner31

you are one Mighty Mum, you seem to be handling things so well.

@Runner31, what Ted said (it tickled me that that rhymes ). BUT, I would emphasise that you continue to be an important person in your own life and in the lives of your partner and your new son. Please don’t assume the minimising role of the less important person here (coming from the perspective of a feminist and a single adoptive mother here). Why not move your proposed Family Day to a date that is totally random and does not happen to fall on Father’s Day. I get that these days are pretty much Hallmark constructs but we sacrifice so much and fight tooth and nail 365 days per year for our children, so, in my opinion, it’s okay for ONE day per annum for us to have a little bit of recognition (however pre-meditated and pre-planned it has to be). Besides, it’s good for our children to rehearse for the future oiling of the squeaky wheels that will make their social and personal lives easier if they can be taught how neurotypical folk celebrate these major events.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders, I hear you! Mother’s Day was a total let-down again (13 years in now). I actually bought my own card and left it out for teen DD1 to write and then enable her toddler sister to sign. Did this happen? Nah! DD1 is simply incapable of empathy and considering other people and their feelings. If I had the energy (and five billion spare hours), I’d push for an ASD diagnosis. So I’ve put the card away in our ‘card box’ to send to my own mother next year.

Typically, my own mum would order me something from my two adopted children but she has just been discharged from hospital after a two-week stay and we’re expecting a dementia-type diagnosis imminently. My old dad has been in and out of hospital with pneumonia since last October and he can just about shuffle to the bathroom let alone the corner shop.

I did, however, pop to the naice supermarket to treat myself to a well-deserved bottle of Champagne and a scrumptious bar of Tony’s Chocolonely chocolate. I mentally apportioned my DD1’s newly-granted adoption allowance (13 years of difficulty and not a penny of support until this month! And, even then, it’s only bobbins) to pay for my Mother’s Day treats. Because, in the words of the historically naff advert, I’m worth it!

Why not move your proposed Family Day to a date that is totally random and does not happen to fall on Father’s Day

We have our family birthday on our wedding anniversary - the kids wanted a “family birthday” but not on the anniversary of them moving in or the date of the adoption order. We plan something to do as a family, our anniversary usually falls on a holiday weekend so we can (in usual times) go away for the weekend.

I do agree SmaugMum and we are quite clear that we live in a family where we are all special and all have a role to play. There is most definitely no minimising of roles here. I think mothers day and other special days mean different things to different people. For me it feels like it's a milestone in my life I've been trying to reach for years. For that reason I actually said to my husband yesterday that next year I want to do a day of relaxation with just me and my mum where we can celebrate everything that makes us the mums that we are. We will move 'family day' to the day before. It has to be close to mothers/fathers day because society, his school and friends will always make the day a feature in his life but for our LO mothers day is a day of confusion and guilt. I get that.

DD forgot it was Mothers day. I was vaguely aware, and my mum came over for Sunday lunch as usual and the subject didn't come up. But we did spend some very happy time together. Sometimes routine says something more powerful than a special event!