How to not put lives on hold during the process?

[AdoptionWoes]

Probably seems like an odd question but genuinely curious how people do this. We have just had panel refuse to see us and now an unspecified wait will be needed before going back (looking like 3 months)

When pushing back on this from a planning perspective our la just keep parroting that they always tell potential adopters not to put their lives on hold as nothing is guaranteed, but I just can't see how people do that.

For example we want to book a holiday, but if we book in September for example its essentially us saying we aren't going to be able to have a match before September which we aren't willing to do, but where does it end, not booking anything until we get a match which could take ages.

So unless you do everything last minute, how does everyone either pre approval or pre matching manage to not let this hold them back from planning things?

I say book the holidays - that’s how you don’t put your life on hold. I think - have in your mind that it’s not happening now, it’s happening later. I say this as someone who is desperate to adopt the sibling of our adopted child who is currently in foster care. We weren’t made aware until she was born a year ago and now there have been so many delays. In July last year we were told it could be three months. Then we were told it could be Feb. Then now I’ve been told June. I just don’t believe any of these days now and so have booked a summer holiday.

One thing that has dramatically helped my mental health during lockdown and it might be absolutely bloody bonkers but is knitting. A hobby of some sort will help you to take your mind off things. For me, knitting combined with work has helped me take my mind of things and stop myself getting stressed about when it might happen or angry for the reasons it’s not happening.

I just read your previous post and it sounds like you are having a tricky time of things. Possibly the enforced break might help you to think some things through?

This might offend the social workers on this board but nothing has ever moved quickly for me - and covid has made everything worse....

You just don’t, if you’re looking at a further 3 months until panel I’d be doubtful you’d have a child placed by September in any event. As with everything the linking and matching process takes time so even if they had the perfect child waiting for you to be approved in June, they still may not be able to place until September anyway. Book the holiday, enjoy it and rest - you may have a complete change in circumstances when you come back.

If you do put things on hold you’ll become really resentful of every delay or gap in the process - and there are lots.

The issues with your agency are a different matter and I absolutely would want answers as to why they were so woefully prepared for panel and how they’re going to ensure they complete the assessment quickly and without delay. What the hell have they been doing that it needs another 3 months now.

@Jellycatspyjamas

You just don’t, if you’re looking at a further 3 months until panel I’d be doubtful you’d have a child placed by September in any event. As with everything the linking and matching process takes time so even if they had the perfect child waiting for you to be approved in June, they still may not be able to place until September anyway. Book the holiday, enjoy it and rest - you may have a complete change in circumstances when you come back.

If you do put things on hold you’ll become really resentful of every delay or gap in the process - and there are lots.

The issues with your agency are a different matter and I absolutely would want answers as to why they were so woefully prepared for panel and how they’re going to ensure they complete the assessment quickly and without delay. What the hell have they been doing that it needs another 3 months now.

If not already obvious I am a planner, and for me its just the fact before we were refused at panel we had an EP placement lined up for straight after being approved (oh the naivety!) and she is due in 2 and a half weeks, so its not impossible that if we go to panel in 3 months a placement and or match would be doable for Sept, maybe not likely but certainly not impossible, which is what's holding me back, we have already had one perfect baby take from us (not a healthy way of looking at it but give me time) and I don't want to perhaps be in a similar position in 3 months and have to say no to a child or EP placement because of the holiday or a family member is staying with us (have many who live overseas) or we are looking after someones dog for a month etc.

And yeah on the last part we have a 21 line list of areas to be looked into further which apparently only panel with their wealth of experience had the ability to see (SW's words not mine)

And yeah on the last part we have a 21 line list of areas to be looked into further which apparently only panel with their wealth of experience had the ability to see (SW's words not mine)

That’s a nonsense, no one should be more experienced than the sw team putting you forward for approval - especially given the number of people that looked at your PAR - I wonder if they’ve cut corners to try and make the EP work and it’s backfired on them (but most of all you and the baby). It’s a bloody mess in any event, and I understand you not wanting to be ruled out of a placement by prior plans. You do still need to live though, and a two week holiday wouldn’t usually be a make or break in any placement, eg if a birth mum has been using drugs or alcohol the baby may need a stay in hospital, which would delay placement and let you finish your holiday, for example. Or wait until you have a better idea of when your panel will be and book then?

The thing with a holiday is that it is really about how much money (and annual leave if work is inflexible) you are prepared to lose if you aren't able to go. So book something but perhaps pick something with better cancellation terms, or something cheap that you can afford to not get refunded, or book the flights and wait to book the hotel. I sometimes find it helpful to think in terms of "how much would I pay for X to happen" e.g. if magically money could produce that EP placement how much would you spend? So you book a holiday, a match is made but it means you lose your £500 non-refundable deposit - is the EP placement worth £500 to you? Of course, that only works if you have the money to spare/lose. Book the holiday! If you get a match you won't care about the (potentially) lost holiday, if you don't you'll be having a lovely time on holiday!

@AthenaMinerva

The thing with a holiday is that it is really about how much money (and annual leave if work is inflexible) you are prepared to lose if you aren't able to go. So book something but perhaps pick something with better cancellation terms, or something cheap that you can afford to not get refunded, or book the flights and wait to book the hotel. I sometimes find it helpful to think in terms of "how much would I pay for X to happen" e.g. if magically money could produce that EP placement how much would you spend? So you book a holiday, a match is made but it means you lose your £500 non-refundable deposit - is the EP placement worth £500 to you? Of course, that only works if you have the money to spare/lose. Book the holiday! If you get a match you won't care about the (potentially) lost holiday, if you don't you'll be having a lovely time on holiday!

Thank you for this, makes a lot of sense so will definitely bear it in mind in a 'how much am I willing to lose financially' way.

Considering we have been feverishly looking up international adoption over the last week I think we would be willing to lose a fair amount so might take the leap and book something (so I stay sane-ish)

Once we were approved we only booked about 3-4 months in advance.

I ended up dictating something for panel whilst sat on a bollard at Puerto Calero marina in Lanzarotte.

I agree with PP. Book something you can afford to 'lose'.
21 points for panel to raise is a lot. Something has gone wrong somewhere and it's not you.

Book the holiday!
I know it’s not the same situation, but I put my life on hold for 6 years while doing multiple rounds of IVF - missed out on job opportunities, holidays, weddings etc. I regret it so much. I made the decision to delay treatment for a couple of important events (brother’s 40th weekend and friend’s wedding abroad) and when I look back at that period I’m so glad I made that decision and had a bit of fun in amongst all the stress and worry.
Your life will change so much once you have a young child, grab these last opportunities to be selfish. Like other people have said, cancelling a holiday will mean nothing to you if it means you get your baby to bring home.