Help and advice needed - child told teacher parents abuse him

[Tinchytot]

NC because this is outing. Sorry it’s long!!

My parents adopted a boy 10 years ago. Told by SS he would be unlikely to have additional needs/attachment issues because he was adopted at 18mo and had only had two foster placements. However he was born very prematurely and had drug and alcohol exposure in utero (no diagnosis of FASD though).

Quite early on in the adoption placement my mum became aware she was struggling with him. Requests for help from SS fell on deaf ears or they were just reminded he was highly unlikely to have issues of more damaged adopted children and she was worrying for no reason. At an early age he was relentless in his tantrums. My mum has raised quite a few of her own children and knew that it wasn’t normal toddler behaviour. This has continued to the present time and is outside the home too. Any adult he has contact with he pushes, goads, defies etc until they’re at breaking point. Sadly he also behaves like this in his friendships, and as a result he doesn’t have friends because eventually he starts winding them up too. He wasn’t allowed to continue piano lessons, football lessons, rugby lessons because teachers couldn’t cope. A dinner lady got suspended from his primary school because she lost her cool and clipped him round the ear when he was continuously goading her when she asked him to queue up.

When he was almost excluded from his primary school SS eventually agreed to have him assessed and they diagnosed sensory processing disorder. My parents paid for him to go to a private school which focuses on more holistic and creative teaching and obviously has smaller class sizes. His behaviour is still awful there, his teacher really struggles with him and he’s constantly on the brink of being excluded.

At the same time, he has a very sensitive side and has a lot of love to give. He adores animals (my family have many) and enjoys outside ‘work’ like heavy gardening with my mum. He has sometimes voiced that he doesn’t know why he behaves like he does and he wishes he didn’t. They’ve tried yoga therapy for him but he refused to go. They also tried some psychotherapy but he did about 5 sessions and then refused because the man made him feel like he was weird.

In day to day life the environment in the house is fine. He will cuddle up with my mum on the sofa in the evenings, they do nice things together, there’s happy times. But lockdown has been undeniably hard. My mum will readily admit she’s not cut out to be a teacher, and certainly not a patient one. They have clashed and there’s been lots of shouting and it’s been horribly tense some days. He went to school yesterday and told his teacher that he’s depressed because his mum and dad shout at him all the time and punch him. The latter is obviously not true, but the shouting is very much how the house has become. SS are getting involved and will need to speak to my younger siblings.

My mum and dad are devastated. The overwhelming feeling is of anger towards SS and the fact they’ve asked for help so early on and weren’t taken seriously and now they’re the ones under investigation. They’re scared because it seems like they’re on a slippery slope down, and there’s possibly no way that he’ll get easier to live with or that he can actually be helped.

Does anyone have experience with this and can think of any support groups I could direct them to? Anything that might help this situation? Someone has suggested getting the GP involved and seeing if medication for ADHD helps, but he doesn’t have ADHD. Another psychiatrist has been recommended so they’re going to explore that. Is there any support out there for parents of adopted children who are struggling?

Hi, they are entitled to an assessment of the child's needs covered by the adoption support fund. Once his needs are identified then further funding can be applied for, again from the adoption support fund. They can access this through their own councils post adoption support (sorry can't remember official name) team. If the visit adoption uk website there should be helpful info about how to get assessment agreed.

Also complex trauma symptoms overlap with ADHD symptoms and many other conditions - google Coventry grid. If he has been removed from 3 separate homes even at an early age (along with whatever reasons he left the birth home) it is likely he has unprocessed trauma that can result in this kind of behaviour.

I have adopted kids who have presented in similar ways and we are pursuing EMDR therapy for them funded by the adoption support fund.

I’ll pm you.

@deathanxiety thank you so much for replying. It was about 4 years ago that he was assessed through the adoption support fund (I had forgotten the name until you wrote it) and they then arranged for the psychotherapy sessions but he didn’t engage with them and he found the man odd. Apparently he narrated what my brother was doing into a dictaphone?! Anyway, this EMDR sounds hopeful and great if SS can fund it. Have you found anything else to help with your children?

The thing I found most helpful was that the kids therapists also worked with us and helped us understand and name the kids behaviours. That part is really important so that we can use a common language and carry on in a therapeutic way at home (and not just therapeutic parenting it is more involved).

They gave us a framework to understand what was happening in our house.

Not just 'bad things happened to the child and you should empathise' but other more subtle stuff.

It help me to stop feeling powerless. There is so much controlling behaviour (overt and covert) that goes on it had tied me in knots.

Now we are able to name it and talk to kids about it so even if we cannot eliminate it I feel more sane.

Please feel free to ask me anything.

That sounds very difficult. Allegations aren't uncommon, hopefully ss will quickly see this as another indication of his needs.

It seems strange to me that an 8 year old (if I calculated correctly) is send off to do psychotherapy. Usually playtherapy, a creative therapy or the like would be recommended. Talking into a dictaphone will having a session with a child also sounds off to me. Did this therapist have experience with traumatised adopted children?

I would ask for a new assessment from ss. You could contact the Anna Freud Centre, Family Futures or PAC-UK or look at their websites for more information on available therapies, so you get ideas on what might suit him. You can also find good overviews on first4adoption. Your parents might find NVR (non-violent resistence) helpful, in case they are not using it already.

What do you know about the birth family (please don't answer here)? Why did his birth mother self-medicate with drugs? Do you know of birth family members with mental health problems? Earlier placed does not mean fewer issues or easier to parent.

Your parents might find Adoption UK very helpful too.

His behaviour sounds very challenging, and not unusual for traumatised children - I had hoped that the “put them in a nice home and they’ll be fine” thinking had died a death in adoption but clearly not.

It sounds though like no one has really got a sense of him and I can imagine daily life is very very stressful and distressing for him. I’d be surprised if a child under 12 engaged with psychotherapy tbh, it’s very hard to do 1:1 talking therapy with children, play therapy, art therapy etc are much better for this age group.

What supports have school put in place for him? Beyond being creative etc, how do they support him to cope with the school day, are they trauma informed in their practice. How much do your mum and dad understand about early trauma - having a good understanding of normal survival behaviours in kids can really help parents cope with the challenges inherent in parenting traumatised children.

A dinner lady got suspended from his primary school because she lost her cool and clipped him round the ear when he was continuously goading her when she asked him to queue up.

This btw is entirely appropriate, adults can’t be lifting their hands to children, it’ll compound the early trauma. How open are your parents to looking at their parenting style? When our children are challenging it can be very easy to fall into problematising the child but if the living environment is triggering for him, and the messages he gets are that he’s difficult, goading or defiant then he’s going to struggle - we all would.

He’s not beyond help, but he does need a lot of help - his parents, school, social work and health professionals working together to provide a positive, safe, nurturing environment for him to heal in. I’d be involving Ed Psych for school, Clin Psych for his developmental needs and systemic or family therapy because the whole family have got to a place where shouting and tension is the norm. It’s not just him that needs to change, the whole system around him needs to look different if he’s to have a chance.

It sounds like he’s been communicating distress for a very long time and, despite efforts, hadn’t got the help he needs. Of course he’s going to shout louder (which for him means challenging behaviour).

No, I probably chose the wrong word re: psychotherapy. It likely was some sort of play therapy because apparently the man would ask what he wanted to play with that day (had a room with toys) and then watched him while he played, but every now and then talking into a dictaphone. My parents raised the fact that it didn’t feel very relaxed and could they instead go for a walk or something, but were told that would have to be approved higher up - and by then my brother refused to engage further. I’m sure it’s a case of there being some great therapists out there, but it’s pot luck as to whether you get one of those. It was organised through SS following their assessment.

We know there are mental health problems in his birth family, but you can go round in circles thinking that if other ‘normal’ people lived their lives for a while they’d also develop anxiety/depression/anger issues etc etc. Can anxiety be hereditary, even if the anxiety in the birth mum was caused by neglect/insecure attachment/drug use and so on? Just thinking out loud there and wondering if anyone knows anything about that. You all seem so knowledgable so apologies if I’m asking stupid questions.

@Jellycatspyjamas everything you say is spot on and my mum has said that sometimes you just don’t know what he’s thinking/who he is and that’s a really disconcerting feeling. I think it is entirely that we just don’t understand how he’s processing and experiencing things. I agree the dinner lady incident was completely wrong. I include it because I was prepared to be told that he’s just a typical 11 year old. I just wanted to make it clear that he’s much more challenging than your average child. I’ve been pleasantly surprised that it hasn’t been doubted, presumably because there’s sadly a lot of experience with this here.

I’ve been writing down all the names of organisations and therapies you’ve all suggested so far and will be passing these onto my mum. She had a call with SS today and they suggested the same kind of input as last time (when he was around 8). She said that wasn’t enough and didn’t achieve anything meaningful and they appear to have listened and be putting a more thorough plan in place.

Can anxiety be hereditary, even if the anxiety in the birth mum was caused by neglect/insecure attachment/drug use and so on?

As far as I know, not in a genetic sense but there’s growing research about the impact of stress/anxiety hormones on development in the womb. If the birth mum was using drugs, living a chaotic lifestyle, experienced trauma (eg domestic abuse) during pregnancy then it’s possible that’s impacted your brothers development. I’d also not underestimate the impact of being moved from birth mum to foster care to foster care to your mum. Two foster placements is actually a lot at 18m particularly in terms of attachment. If you think about it, by his second birthday he had had 4 different parental figures/primary carers, that’s absolutely textbook in terms of disrupted attachments and ss were very wrong to say he wouldn’t be impacted by that.

Your mum has been told repeatedly he wouldn’t have the issues that other adopted children have, and I assume has patented him accordingly. What might be considered “traditional” parenting strategies like using punishments (eg removing toys, using time out) can really raise anxiety levels in children with insecure attachments, so her parenting may - completely inadvertently - have compounded things, because she was wrongly informed and then not taken seriously.

Have a look at books by people like Dan Hughes or Suzanne Zeedyk both of whom are clinical psychologists with an expertise is adoption. Also google dyadic developmental psychotherapy which is highly recommended for attachment issues, if you look on the ddp network website there’s a good introduction to the concept of therapeutic parenting which is an evidence based concept of parenting which acts to build and strengthen relationships and support secure attachment- your mum could look there for strategies to help her with your brothers behaviour.

I’d also suggest your mum gets some independent support, I know I’ve found therapy of my own so useful when things are tough with my two, and she may need space to process the impact of the utterly woeful information and advice given by ss.

I just wanted to make it clear that he’s much more challenging than your average child.

Yes, we totally get it here 😁

I would also second the suggestion upthread for helpfulness of Adoption UK, they are amazing and have regular adopter zoom meet ups which may be a good start for help and advice?

There is much more accessible help available now in relation to understanding child development and also understanding developmental trauma, of which attachment problems might form a part, compared to when your mother first adopted, I think. I have attached to this post a number of links which are very short and so easy to watch/read quickly, if she hasn't come across them already.

Firstly it sounds as though your mother has been knocked right off her feet, with all the shouting and the stress of covid. I really do think that homeschooling for many parents has been so stressful, and so difficult in relation to patience, and these four links I do think will be helpful for your mother, to help her see things in perspective and get back to her normal:

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/When_You_Lose_it_With_Your_Child
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/angry-child-triggers-parent-control-self
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/The_Secret_of_the_Full_Cup
www.ahaparenting.com/blog/wake-up-happy-radical-self-care-parents

A lot of the above we know, but we forget in the moment, and reading about it and reminding ourselves what it is all about can help, I think.

Also in relation to the above links, the website they are from is a parenting website written by a clinical psychologist specialising in child development and is about parenting by reference to child development research and if interested your mother can google "ahaparenting 11 year olds" and that can take her to child specific age but go back and look and what is said for each age.

As you probably know, a child's brain substantially wires up in the womb and years 1 - 3 and this is why it is going to be easier to parent your bioligical child compared to an adopted child. This is a lovely video by beacon house (led by clinical psychologists) about how the brain is wired up and the obvious things to go wrong - it might be helpful for your mother

www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&feature=youtu.be&v=Wcm-1FBrDvU

This is also by beacon house and is about developmental trauma and attachment and is a quick and easy introduction to the key issues and what can be done to help a child with the right help (and the importance of getting a proper assessment):

In relation to anxiety, there is developing research about genetic memory, ie inheriting a disposition in relation to anxiety, but the research (ie which is still developing) also indicates that we can change the way our brain's work and heal damage and do the same for our children - easiest in the first few years of life, but possible at any time.

I would say from personal experience (I am an adoptee) in relation to your mother not really knowing or understanding your brother, what she can do is to start to ask questions - not about huge subjects but about every day easy things, like favourite book, favourite colour - if they aren't used to talking then it is hard at first for them both but gradually over time your brother will learn to express himself and to understand his own thoughts and feelings, and be able to communicate them, and over time more and more complex issues can be talked about.

If your mother is interested in more of this sort of thing, then Dan Siegel's youtube videos are great - here is one example:

and also go back not but go back

There is also a lot of very good background information here:

www.annafreud.org/parents-and-carers/adoptive-parents-special-guardians-kinship-carers-and-foster-carers/

For practical parenting advise your parents might want to look at
Karyn Purivs: The Connected Child
Celia Foster: Big Steps for Little People
Sarah Naish's books on Therapeutic Parenting

Bryan Post's books
Sally Donavan: The Unoffical Guide to Adoptive Parenting

I really like the podcasts of creatingafamily.org. I have learned heaps from them. You can download them for free from their website or iTunes.

Some anxiety disorders are hereditary, OCD for instance, so childen can inherit a greater risk of developing it. There are also theories that trauma can be passed on via epigenetics and make the next generation more vulnerable to trauma.

That play therapy still sounds off to me. It is common for therapists to unobtrusively video record sessions. However, I have never heard of one speaking into a dictaphone. He should be engaging with the child.

Thank you so much everyone. My mum is doing much better and has now got the book a-z of therapeutic parenting that a few people have mentioned. She’s been finding it really helpful and it’s had her in tears a few times at the predictability of the ‘paths’ that families seem to go on. I think she’s finding it hard to see that they were on a well recognised path to destruction a few years ago and still then SS didn’t help. As a whole, the family is feeling much more positive about the help available though. They’ve got an appointment for a new assessment to be started and my mum has written a strong email asking for my brother’s funds to be released ASAP for some therapy that was recommended in his last assessment (but SS said the waiting list was too long). We all need to completely rethink how we relate to him to try and pick him back up, but I think we can do it.

@Yolande7 what a great collection of resources. Thank you so much. Honestly feel a bit overwhelmed by how supportive you’ve all been and how eye opening it’s been to find out about all these different avenues for support. It’s sad that you must have all had difficult journeys to have all this information, but thank you so much for sharing it and making the journey easier for others.

Excellent advice here. Your poor family. And your poor brother. I do think lockdown has exacerbated things so much - more tension in the house, all of us parents trying to put on a cheerful face and trying to reassure that everything is ok when we might not be feeling like that. The shouting is an unfortunate by product - but even what I consider the most placid households do shout occasionally and it sounds like your mother is at the end of her tether.

The therapy that your DB accessed at 8 seems slightly weird - the therapist shouldn’t have been speaking into a dictaphone during the session.

We went down the Anna Freud route and really rated them - not least because it provided an outlet for me too (to cry to people who had some understanding of what I was going through as my friends really don’t). They recommended DDP therapy which unfortunately they didn’t provide. But we found a DDP therapist (eventually) and I think it is helping. Beacon House is also an amazing resource. They are also a school in Bucks and have a lot of traumatised children. A truly amazing place...

SS is so strapped for cash that of course - if they can get comfortable they don’t need to get involved - they won’t. Hopefully now your family will get the help they need.

I hope that your brother gets an assessment with a clin psych soon, and that recommendations are put in place and work for him. It is worth your mother telling the clin psych what strategies from a-z therapeutic parenting and any other source they are using, to make sure no conflict, I am told. Really great things are going in the right direction.

yolande thank you for posting the Anna Freud resources, the videos were really interesting and it sounds as though they are really positive about recovery which is fantastic.

hels20 it is really heartening to see how positive things are!