Separation anxiety

[121Sarah121]

My son is in his first year of school. He has separation anxiety and last night when talking about school he said he doesn’t want to go because when he can’t see me he worries that I will disappear forever. He has my photo on his pencil case, in his bag, I’ve left him a note in his packed lunch (first time today) and he has cd of our favourite songs which he listens to in class when he becomes overwhelmed. Anyone got any other suggestions? I tried drawing on his wrist before but he just washed it off. We’ve done baking together but he became disinterested after a few months. He doesn’t wear a jumper so I don’t think putting my perfume on his wrist would work. Has anyone tried it? He doesn’t have a transitional object. He really enjoys school.

Mine really like it when I tell them exactly what il be doing while they are at school, making it simple and boring and the same - so today i said il be walking the dog (and which walk) and then this would mean Id be driving past school at their break time so Id be waving as i went past in case I saw them, and would then be cleaning the house until pick up time. Of course this isn't quite correct but all they need to know and they can visualise it easily. A friend of mine who's son is very upset to leave her says she will be waiting outside school in the car for him all day and that works for him. She does draw on his hand for him.

Mine feels better when I reassure her I miss her too and that I'll be there to pick her up with a snack and drink.

Yes always a special treat and a drink in the car for pick up!

Thanks for the suggestions. I always tell him what I will be doing and if I’m doing something like a food shop, I’ll ask him what he would like and make sure I buy it! If I’m at home, I’ll tell him what things I’ll be doing like hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc. When I pick him up I tell him I was missing him when I was.... and Was wondering how he was enjoying reading/gym or wondering what sort of things he was learning in his topic work today.

I always have a snack for him. I wait for him at the same spot with his bike so he knows where to look. He goes straight in my pocket for it (while throwing his bag at me!)

I have an I watch with his photos on it and tell him I look at him when we are apart and I always have his photo with me and look at it when I’m missing him. I bought him a vetch watch but he doesn’t like wearing it.

I thought he has object permanence as we play peek a boo, find the hidden object, hide and seek etc. This has been really thrown me.

I don’t know if these are effective as my son hasn’t started nursery yet, but he and I have matching (inexpensive, waterproof, never take them off) friendship bracelets with one bead and if he misses me or I miss him we press the ‘button’ on the bracelet. He presses it on play dates without me and I’ve taught him a song about ‘mummy comes back’.

Oh Op it sounds like your doing everything Id do! Could you put the watch in his bookbag? hes small to learn time maybe but that may help if he can know youl be there at 3 or something? My school let me start my daughter on half days as I thought a full day would be too much so perhaps your school would so something similar to help build up his time away from you more slowly - it must be happening alot on sure with lockdown and all, everythings so uncertain and changing for them so maybe starting again from building up time away would help. Its difficult too I know with school drop off like it is. I wonder if the school might make an exception or something about you being allowed in the building so he can merge his worlds easier or something?

The Invisible String book? My little girl really likes this.

2nd invisible string book. I love it!

Sounds like you are doing great! Could you ask the teacher to welcome him, briefly tell him what they will be doing that lesson and to the give him a job right when he comes in, like to help her put things on tables or the like? My daughter found that helpful.

We have not read the Invisible String but at that age my daughters loved Knuffle Bunny Too. It is about loss in a slightly round about way and they really responded to that.

I have just bought some pocket bear hugs for my (now teenage) daughters. www.etsy.com/uk/listing/938389816/wooden-engraved-bear-pocket-hug?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=pocket+hug&ref=sr_gallery-1-9&organic_search_click=1&bes=1

O something else the teacher did for us when my daughter started was filling the classroom with toys from favourite characters - for us it was the night garden - super comforting and super fun so she went inn every day knowing there would be these to play with in play times. The teacher actually got them off another parent for us as they didnt have them in school, she was really kind. Maybe something like that would help, really comforting play spaces with favourite school toys?

The thing is object permanence doesn’t really help with attachment stuff, his attachment experiences will be telling him that if he can’t see you, you don’t exist. It’s incredible your son is able articulate that at such a young age - you’re doing a good job with him.

All the other suggestions are good ones, I’d keep talking about what you’re doing when he’s not there etc. Leave a note on his bed to find when he comes home along the lines of “I was doing x and thought of you and am looking forward to doing x now you’re home”. I’d also acknowledge his fears and how scary it feels for him and remind him that yesterday you were there after school, and keep building that pattern of explicitly reminding him of times you’ve gone away and come back again. Build in other times when you go and come back again - so he knows it’s not just school that you’ll be separated for.

My two still like it when I talk in the morning about checking in on them when they were sleeping - I tell them about tucking them in, making sure their cuddle toy was tucked in too, about them wriggling in their sleep etc. It reminds them that I’m always there, even if they can’t see me.

It’s hard, but he needs the experience of knowing you go away and come back again - there’s no real shortcut with attachment I’m afraid.

Thank you for all your ideas. I’ll have a look for the books.

We made necklaces with beads when he was home. There’s a few with our initials on them and we talked about these being a button to send love. He asked what does love feel like which started a nice discussion. My daughter asked how could they possibly work and I said if you look for the “M” for mum you will think of me and you will feel my love. I wonder if it will work. Thanks @mahrezzy for the idea.

My son goes into school no bother (once we manage to leave which can cause him to dysregulate but that’s another story). I wish he would cry but instead he dissociates so I don’t even get a second glance.

Communication has been a real issue with school and I wasn’t quite aware of how much of an issue the separation anxiety was until he said that to me and now I feel terrible because every time I leave him there, he feels like I’m gone forever but like you say @Jellycatspyjamas only by going and coming back will our attachment strengthen.

Re the drawing, I used to cut out a small bit of coloured paper (3 by 5cm approx) and draw on it v small about 8 signif things which dc loved, like a tiny pirate ship, a family holding hands etc and we put it in his back pocket.

Maybe The Owl Babies book too?

My son goes into school no bother (once we manage to leave which can cause him to dysregulate but that’s another story). I wish he would cry but instead he dissociates so I don’t even get a second glance.

Is he’s dissociating he’s not really going in no bother, dissociation is a sign that he’s under a lot of stress and has switched off from his feelings to cope - the dysregulation you’re seeing is him being overwhelmed by his feelings, dissociation switches those feelings off so to speak.

How understanding are the school about early trauma? I’d be talking to the school about supporting his transition into school - with dissociation they need to help him get back into his body so if they can do some sensory play with him first thing eg water, sand play, music or noise making it’ll help him be more present (and able to engage in learning). By way of example my daughter has a sensory box in class with kinetic sand, squishy toys, scented lip balm, fidget spinners and sour sweets which she uses for 10 minutes every morning while the class is getting settled for the day. It’s the difference between her being able to cope or not, being in class and engaged or being tearful, anxious and upset.

I’d also be looking to reduce other sensory input, eg ask them to put his desk in a quieter part of the class, not next to a door or window, where he doesn’t have children needing to pass him to get their tray or work etc.

You may find that part of the separation anxiety is him finding school pretty full on (even if he enjoys it) and him not understanding why it feels stressful when he likes being there. I’m guessing you help him regulate his feelings, but if you’re not there it’s hard for him to know how to do that so he gets overwhelmed.

I’d also keep working on his emotional literacy, what does love feel like to him, how does he feel when he’s worried, happy etc. One thing that can work well is to have him lie on a big bit of paper and draw round his body, then draw, use pictures, feathers, buttons etc to show where he feels his feelings - eg feathery feelings in his tummy if he’s worried, sunny pictures in his heart where he feels happy, be led by him. The more he can understand his feelings the better.

Have a look at Huggable Heroes. Pre school suggested one for AD which she loves. I spray it with my perfume to make it multi sensory.

The Owl Babies and the string book are both great

@Jellycatspyjamas

My son goes into school no bother (once we manage to leave which can cause him to dysregulate but that’s another story). I wish he would cry but instead he dissociates so I don’t even get a second glance.

Is he’s dissociating he’s not really going in no bother, dissociation is a sign that he’s under a lot of stress and has switched off from his feelings to cope - the dysregulation you’re seeing is him being overwhelmed by his feelings, dissociation switches those feelings off so to speak.

How understanding are the school about early trauma? I’d be talking to the school about supporting his transition into school - with dissociation they need to help him get back into his body so if they can do some sensory play with him first thing eg water, sand play, music or noise making it’ll help him be more present (and able to engage in learning). By way of example my daughter has a sensory box in class with kinetic sand, squishy toys, scented lip balm, fidget spinners and sour sweets which she uses for 10 minutes every morning while the class is getting settled for the day. It’s the difference between her being able to cope or not, being in class and engaged or being tearful, anxious and upset.

I’d also be looking to reduce other sensory input, eg ask them to put his desk in a quieter part of the class, not next to a door or window, where he doesn’t have children needing to pass him to get their tray or work etc.

You may find that part of the separation anxiety is him finding school pretty full on (even if he enjoys it) and him not understanding why it feels stressful when he likes being there. I’m guessing you help him regulate his feelings, but if you’re not there it’s hard for him to know how to do that so he gets overwhelmed.

I’d also keep working on his emotional literacy, what does love feel like to him, how does he feel when he’s worried, happy etc. One thing that can work well is to have him lie on a big bit of paper and draw round his body, then draw, use pictures, feathers, buttons etc to show where he feels his feelings - eg feathery feelings in his tummy if he’s worried, sunny pictures in his heart where he feels happy, be led by him. The more he can understand his feelings the better.

Thank you for explaining it all. I know he isn’t ok but the school have been a nightmare and because he isn’t displaying challenging behaviour, refuse to accept that beautiful, charming wee boy has additional needs. It’s been meetings, emails, phone calls and complaints since august. I’ve given up with them. Unfortunately we live quite rural and another school isn’t an option.

I spent all morning helping him regulate, naming the feeling, talking about strategies he can use when he is starting to dysregulate. He is so aware now that he can use these strategies without me sometimes. I am so proud of that little boy. Going from violence and aggression lasting 2 hrs, 3 times a day to very rarely (maybe once a week for minutes) has been incredible.

However, I watch him walk in to school dissociated and pick him up dissociated. I know he misses me (he verbalises it to the teacher) but feel so helpless when we are not together. My son is very complex and the teacher inexperienced but she is starting to get him a little better (she has pulled me aside a few times at the end of the day and said “it’s like he is gone, he isn’t there” and waves her hand in front of her face). Finally! It’s only taken since August for you to recognise the trauma! Unfortunately, I don’t know what strategies she has put in place for him. I know he finds the sensory box too overwhelming (he struggles with sensory processing. I’m not sure to what extent.) there’s no sand or water tray or soft furnishings due to Covid at the moment. The children don’t have desks. I’ve asked for him to have his own “spot” which I think is a laminated piece of paper (because a cushion is wasnt permitted. It had to be able to wipe clean) to be able to go to when he is overwhelmed away from everyone else which can alert the teacher he needs help regulating. I don’t know if it is used. I’ve told the school to just let me know if he needs anything and I will buy it but I don’t know what happens between 9am and 3pm.

I suppose I’m just at a loss at home feeling helpless.

On a positive note, he loves the necklace and I put a heart on his ankle and hoping this will help him feel a connection. We spoke about when I press his initial on mine I think of happy times together like playing football together and asked him what he felt when he pressed mine and he says he thought of walking the dog together and it made him happy. Fingers crossed it works even once.

I think theres a book called the Trauma informed classroom or something I would maybe get and give to the teacher to help. I think also Adoption UK have school support resources that may help them too maybe?

The reduction in violence sounds fantastic, OP, well done.

Having an inexperienced teacher isn't ideal, as she just won't have had the breadth of exposure to children that an experienced teacher would have. Have you written out things she can do during the day with him to help him feel calm and present?

The school have been sent loads of resources about trauma and attachment and how to support my boy. They don’t believe he has trauma! The teacher is trying her best. She is naturally very nurturing and although may not see a he trauma, her warm nature makes my son feel safe.

The necklace and heart on his ankle has been a huge success. We were pressing then and he said “I’ve done it. I have a real smile. I know what it feels like to be happy now!” I could have cried. (About a year ago he told me being happy is scary and he can’t ever be happy).

So my little boy never became angry or shouted or throwing things. He got on his shoes and grabbed his bag and went happily to school. Success!

Oh thats wonderful to hear! Well done!

Last week, he discarded the necklace. It hurt too much to press it. He felt angry at me for leaving him and all he could think of was times when he hurt me or shouted at me. I asked his teacher about him becoming upset or angry at school and she said he never mentioned it. I think he is internalising it (and shutting down his emotions because they are too hard).

a short distance from the gate, he asked for his bag so he could go ahead (I always carry it because he goes on his bike). I said I would give him it when we got there so I could give him a big cuddle. He said he didn’t want me to because saying goodbye is too hard. I told him I know it is hard.

Last night he had another nightmare. He dreamt that he was at home with dad and I was out in the car and I crashed the car and I died and I never came home. These sort of dreams are very recurrent. He knows they are a dream but he panics at the thought of being apart? How can I help him? I don’t know what to do anymore. Any more suggestions?

I’m sorry. That sounds so so tough. I’ve been talking to an adoption therapist in the run up to my son starting nursery and I’m very anxious about it - for the same reasons you’re experiencing as I suspect that my son will feel similarly. She said that as much as I can try to help him he needs to learn to bear it and that despite everything I do he’ll find it tough. I’m sure other people will have more suggestions on how to help your boy and I totally believe you should do everything you can to help him. I hate to suggest that time will help as it seems like such a cop out but I do believe that even if you did nothing more that in six months it would be easier for him as he’d trust in your separation (as I wrote this I was trying to get a drink in the kitchen and my son started howling for me to come back to the living room, ironic).